I wonder some times why it is we live our lives the way we do.. It seems we are born with the notion to be in a hurry to find something to fully devote ourselves to, a relationship, a career, children, a calling.. something solid to identify ourselves with, and define exactly what, or who we are. I just wonder sometimes. A long time, I’ve pushed and pushed under the notion that if I can just sacrifice a little more, for a little longer.. then I will get to the point where I will be allowed to do something profoundly positive.. something that will make my time here make sense, to fulfill what it is I was put on this earth for.
I feel anxious for that time, but I have to wonder still, why should I be in such a hurry? Wouldn’t fulfilling that accomplishment (whatever it is) mean that my time here is done? If I found the reason for my being here fulfilled tomorrow, while I’m sure it would feel pleasing to have answered my reason for being, what about all the things I haven’t touched? What about the forgotten unexplored pieces of life I’ve hurried past, not taking the time where I should have. Isn’t life about the journey? afterall, we will all reach the destination in due time? why hurry there? What about the journey?
The more I thought on this, the more I started to piece together the following. The fact is that we are all a product of our experiences. From each joy, tear, heartbreak, or situation, we are meant to take away with us bits of ideas that together fully form intended lessons. Gathered from exploration of ourselves and the world around us, these lessons make us more rounded, stronger and wiser individuals, better preparing us for accomplishing our purpose.
If I continue to allow pieces of my being to go unexplored.. untouched.. and ignored until a time when I am no longer able to do anything about it, then what section of my coursework, my preperation, my training if you will, have I lost out on… all because I was in a hurry, and pushed it off until later? How can I ever expect to be at my best, if I don’t do more than just wait to exist?
Energy and time are already an issue, responsibilities, and the needs of those dear to me are also present. Its a real struggle to balance it all, and I wouldn’t trade any of the things in my life right now, I just… want it to be ok to be me.
I want to draw again, I want to sing, to dance, take up yoga, and paint pictures, maybe go back to school and get some kind of degree, so that I can be taken seriously in some aspect. To take beautiful photos, To laugh a lot more with family and friends. To have adult conversations that last more than 3 minutes, that enable me to visualize and intelligently talk about ideas, and to learn from others. I yearn for something creative. I think it would actually be very cool to be able to work with computer graphics, and do CG for movies, etc.. I want to take philosophy, psychiatry, art. Pick up where I left off learning Japanese. I want to figure out how to fix my computer and know why things work the way they do. I want to study and understand more about nutrition. I want to encourage, inspire, and help the world around me be healthy. I want to help people heal and begin to understand and analyze personal perceptions, to acquire deeper and more truthful understanding of themselves, so they can in turn use it to inspire healthier attitudes in others.
Just the tip of the iceberg really.. and maybe that’s why it seems so overwhelming, and why it feels much safer to fall back into a routine… but I want to be so much more than I am, and I can’t help but feel like if I don’t pay attention to at least a couple of these soon, that I will miss out on lessons I was really meant to learn, and it will be my own fault. I have chosen my lot in life, but in reality, I’m the only one limiting myself, sure things may not be ideal, but in honesty, they will never be perfect. My world is not insurmountable stone.. It may just be time to get the chisel out, and start working on a masterpiece.. 🙂