Archive for the ‘Misc Musings’ Category

There are times where I find myself in this state of mind where I’m super self conscious and feel as though everything I do or say is somehow annoying or bothersome to those I interact with.

I’m not even sure how it starts, but I think in the end, (wither initially true or not….) that fear, then causes me to second guess all further interactions and my apologizing, etc could perhaps be even more annoying or bothersome to those I interact with. Its a cycle that I can’t even for the life of me figure out if its all imaginary, or a self-perpetuating cycle that feeds itself into reality through a perceived fear of pushing those I value away.

Sometimes I just feel really alone, and its really hard to shake. Like everyone I occasionally just want to be understood.. or to be able to intellectually share thoughts or philosophy or ideas about the world with people, and its hard to initiate those conversations a lot of the time when it seems hard to find those who are interested in that sort of topics or discussions, and those are what I thrive on.

One problem is that when you allow the mentality of believing you are so very alone, to inwardly reside too long, it can quickly spiral you downward into a hole of negativity.

It becomes important to fight it for your own health.

My personal conundrum comes in selecting how I choose to fight it.

Option A – Get it out… venting

I’m a little shy really, and I don’t really like sharing my own thoughts and feelings because when I do share my frustrations I just end up being mad at myself over having done it.

Here is why…

If I’m honest… whenever I’m needing to vent, I’m likely still pretty upset. When I’m that upset, it means I haven’t really worked through the issue yet. During a venting session, we kind of just let things go and say things or admit things you haven’t really solidly thought or reasoned out. Its mostly emotion. Then generally immediately after venting, once you can’t take anything back… its only then that enough pressure has been released that you begin to recognize all the places where you yourself may not have been fair… or reasonable… or where you may have been a bit petty, or childish, or plainly just sounding like a whiner.

Its frustrating because now that I’ve unloaded , and subjected someone to all my idiosyncrasies, whoever I’ve unloaded on either #1 (and hopefully) an understanding friend… or #2 they have marked a little checkbox in their own mind, categorizing you as someone a bit too unreasonable, crazy, possibly needy, and maybe not really someone they really want to be around all that much after all.

I’m petrified of pushing people to that second category and losing even more friends (because it has happened in the past). So more often instead I try to work through any hurts using another method.

#Option B – Shifting Focus

In reality, we are never as absolutely alone as we start to feel, and those times when we feel we are so very alone….. I personally believe its often because we are too intently focused on ourselves, our own fears and our own insecurities. Its time to get a higher view of things… to add to our understanding that everyone has difficulties they are dealing with, and that we aren’t alone in that fact.

There is something really positive by taking the initiative to be there for someone else. To let people know that you care enough… to care. To encourage others to find positive and healthy ways to cope. Sometimes in taking those journeys with others, you discover tools for your own.

Most often this is what pulls me out.. being able to connect or help someone else brings things back into perspective. Most of the time this is my go to method of coping

Here is where it sometimes goes wrong though..

Occasionally you get into these cycles (mentioned at the beginning of this post)

With shifting focus – It begins with this paranoia that to them, it probably just seems that I’m needlessly bugging their already busy lives with trivial questions about how they are, or whats going on with them. They may either ~ #1 respond out of kindness just to humor me, #2 respond with short (often perceived as non-interested in continuing any dialog) answers, #3 they or do not respond at all…

All of that then just feeds this worry that I shouldn’t have bugged them in the first place, or that I’m causing annoyance for interacting with them. Making me feel like that in earnest…….  if they didn’t seek me out.. it could be they really aren’t wanting any interactions with me at all. Making me feel like my caring is unwanted..  which makes me feel kind of worthless and less valuable as a friend. All of that unfortunately just plays into supporting that initial thought that I myself…. is alone and not worth connection. Effectively  stomping any attempt to prove anything different to myself or others.. to prove that they/we don’t have to feel so alone.

So then what…..

Its frustratingly illogical, and kind of the reason why I really always try to first look to reason for my sense of stability rather than any “feelings” in most anything. Even then though,  emotions (even known unfounded ones) seem to raise an aggressive head demanding attention, refusing to be silenced and throwing things off balance.

The thing is that logically I know better, yet knowing better for some reason doesn’t seem to be enough to stop that feeling from becoming overwhelming and suffocating.  It becomes scary when you feel the depression set in. Mostly because I know how quickly negative that turns if you entertain thoughts like that too long.

Connections are such a difficult thing.

First its difficult because people perceive things all differently, and even when we 100% intend something a certain way, others will give your desire to connect with them very different meanings based on their own personal historical experience, or what they think makes sense for them in that situation. It could even be based on what they think they would do to express something specific, and assume you to be the same.

Part of the problem is we only initially see out of our own lenses…. and that causes an incredible amount of misunderstanding and disconnection, because in order to gain a bigger picture, it means we have to be willing to see from a different vantage point.

Sharing is difficult.

I was brought up being told that it was important to share our thoughts and feelings in order to process them, but then at the same time being told that drawing attention to yourself in general is basically selfish and should be avoided.

After his suicide I remember seeing a few last interviews with Anthony Bourdain, where he talked about sharing sort of being at odds with actually being a good person. Citing instead that it takes a level of vanity to believe that what you are sharing (be it thoughts or ideas or stories) is worth someone else’s time. He talked about how some author (that I don’t remember the name right now)  had said something at one point that sharing feelings is more akin to “leaking” than actually sharing.

While I can kind of see where they would get this thought, I find it incredibly destructive.

Humans are social creatures, and building these walls where it is automatically considered a sign of a problem, or weakness, or selfishness to ever want to share or have another human understand what motivates you, or what your position is seems a bit much.

I get that obviously we should try for our interactions to not always be about ourselves, yet I don’t understand how you are supposed to ever encourage any real connection with anyone if it can only be one-sided.

If its taboo to share anything we really think or feel with another. I think that attitude about it is a gross oversimplification. Taking that simplified thought as truth may even secretly serve as an excuse for us to justify not having to leave our comfort zone (in either having to listen to others or needing to share ourselves.)

I don’t know how friendships can be considered real without being able to both care and allowing yourself to be cared about.

Its all so conflicting. Its all so hard… and honestly I don’t have it figured out. There is no one method that works everytime….








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In a month…

In a month… my oldest will be 20 years.

This means in two months I’ll be 40 years old. A couple years back, I had thought I was already 40 and was fine with it. This year I’m actually turning 40 and for some reason feeling a little down about it.

I know its just a number. I know it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. I know its not really that “old” though all the grey hair doesn’t help me not feel that way. It’s illogical and a waste to time and energy to be concerned with, but I have this annoying little internal voice that keeps bugging me about it. That is attempting to give merit to all those plastic and simpleton notions that I tend to hate so much.

I think its less the age thing thats bugging me really, and more the reflection that aging brings. The questioning of what your life has accomplished.. the impact you’ve left, or will leave.

The big hopes I had, to live my life in the manner that serves to inspire those around me to be positive, to push a little harder, to not give up.

I question how successful I’ve been.


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The issue with questioning everything is that you do in fact question everything which makes it hard to ever feel actually comfortable. The upside, however, is that you are quicker to learn from every instance that presents and adjust things accordingly. Adapting yourself to best deal with whats around you and whats beyond your control, yet still making the most out of it. You remain open to new ideas and new experiences, and you choose to learn from them rather than merely judge them.

The issue with following blindly is that you do in fact follow blindly and you need nothing real or proven to substantiate what you think, or feel, because your belief is all that matters. You can totally find comfort, but since this is life… and things have a habit of changing, you also are less likely to learn or adjust to the things around you because it doesn’t fit in with the perception of how things should be, and if you do adapt or change it becomes guilt over betraying that initial core belief.

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This world can be an incredibly lonely place.  How is it that there can there be 7.4+ billion people in the world and it still be so incredibly hard to not feel so alone. You are surrounded by people, even people that you love, and that love you back, yet…. you still feel so unknown. Unknown and not understood.

Not even feeling like anyone should be obligated, or should have to even “want” to know you… just more of a feeling that no one really understands your essence because everything you think and feel about situations feels so different and foreign from everyone else.

It makes it so hard to communicate. When you aren’t on the same wavelength and you realize it. When you realize that there is so much that you’d have to explain, just to get to the point where it would be fair to expect anyone to understand. When you know its really no ones fault, but you really don’t know how to then convey it to others, because you are hurting a little, but its entirely to exhausting to even try to explain… even to those who are patient enough to listen.

And then there is the guilt… the guilt in feeling like you just need to buck up and deal with something, but internally wishing that it wouldn’t be such a burden . Having the real desire to NOT be “That girl” … the one that complains and who people secretly don’t want to actually deal with, but are too nice to say it. You prevent that by minimizing the times you talk about anything you feel to anyone.

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My two youngest children at opposite ends of High School, one starting and one ending this year. My older son wants to be a video game programmer / designer. My youngest wants to be a physicist or a bio-engineer. My older son wants to go to a college in Utah, my younger son told us this week he wants to go to Yale.

My heart is proud of both of these boys for planning out their future doing what they want to do. At the same time I can’t help but feel anxiety over how they will get there. The thing is, I have no doubt that they can do these things…. I’m just not familiar with the roads to get there, so that makes me worry, because I don’t already know how to be helpful… but that is my issue… not theirs. I don’t need to project that upon them.

My worries, really doesn’t matter.  I have to remember, its not about me or my worries. Its their adventure to start, and I don’t want anyone impeding that.

We shared the news with a couple groups of family and they immediately start in with the “Well you need to do this” and “Are you sure that is what you want to do”… and  “Its going to be hard”, and “You better figure out scholarships and get student loans”….. blah blah blah….

Why do adults do this? Why is their initial reaction to scare kids off? I know adults mean well, just wanting the kid to be prepared for the world and work ahead of them, but over the years I’ve discovered that often what makes things harder to manage is plain being psyched out early over how daunting the challenges in front of you are. There are multiple ways to achieve goals, and what is hard for one person, might be fine for another person and totally within their ability.

Instead of saying “Oh thats going to be a lot of work”…. why don’t we say more things like “Oh! What steps do YOU need to get to that goal?”… or if you actually care to be helpful… “Do you need help gaining access to finding out the information you need to plan this?”

If you want to help a kid, then encourage THEM to research and identify what they need to achieve their goal. Adults rarely know all the ins & outs of what they are so opinionated over. Want kids to succeed… Don’t identify what they “need” for them – because in most cases, (while few admit it) adults will really only have a partial idea anyway… because things change faster than we like to admit.

Everyone’s life has “hard work” times involved, and maybe this piece is hard for you, but not hard for your kid. Maybe instead of psyching kids out… maybe instead just let them know that you are supportive of them applying themselves to their own goals. Maybe instead of you pointing out what they’ll “need to do”… maybe instead encourage them to think it out by asking what their road looks like. Ask what their plans are in tackling those things.


I listened to adults way too much…. and I regret that.

Growing up there were three things I really thought about doing when I grew up. I wanted to be an architect.. and when I mentioned it, it was brought up that at the time (mid-school) that I struggled and had to actually try hard at math as it was, so maybe that architecture might be “too hard” for me to be good at.

(I really should have questioned how an adult with absolutely no personal experience with architecture in the first place (and no access to “google” back then, nor someone who visited a library ever) felt like they KNEW this would be too much of a problem for me. (and by the way… thanks for having no faith that I could get better at math, or encouraging me to get better at math… I just “wasn’t good” and apparently that wouldn’t change.) I wish I would have really questioned how seriously to take their opinion. I think this is part of the bad with being brought up rather sheltered)

Later in High School, I contemplated being a counselor or a teacher. When I mentioned that, my Mother told me I was way too sensitive to be a counselor so I wouldn’t be very good at it. I would cry with my patients and not be able to handle helping people with problems.

So later I thought about being a teacher, but my family did not have the money for school. I was told basically the only way I could do that is if I got really good grades and got a bunch of scholarships and student loans. I got A’s and B’s, and ended up getting one scholarship that paid for 3 classes worth at the local community college. I was told that student loans would be really hard for me to get because I had nothing of value to leverage for a loan, and I didn’t have family that could (or would) co-sign. I just believed all this too. Adults know what they’re talking about right? They’ve lived, so they know.

I found out later that isn’t exactly how student loans work. I should have looked into myself instead of trusting adults so much

I did my three classes, and then when that scholarship ran out I was done.

I don’t at all regret having my kids or current family, but I do regret listening so intently to some of the adults that “knew me”, that I put their worries ahead of forging my own path. That I just took what they said as being gospel. That I didn’t have the confidence or commons sense to question what I was told.

There is a difference between listening and accepting that what your told as being correct… Its fine to listen to what others opinions are, honestly its good to listen… but its important to not blindly accept something as absolute truth. Its important to remember that opinions are often cloaked as knowledge.

I hope I will teach my kids to make their own choices and forge their own way by doing the research and implementation themselves.




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Honesty is difficult. It is easier to hide in the crowd and to drown one’s own guilt in that of the human race.  – Kierkegaard

In the past week, I’ve seen three different posts on facebook of people who start off saying how toxic or mean the posts they see on facebook are, how people should be so much nicer… and then either in the next line blame some group over it, or like someone’s comment responding to their post with words blaming <insert label here> for behaving this way… for  “crying” or “whining” of being entitled, or plain being disgusting or dumb.

#1 Gripe: Here is the deal. Facebook is made up of your circle of “Friends.” People you’ve accepted or invited. If the posts you see are negative… perhaps consider that it is the information bubble you’ve created, and maybe… just maybe…. you should do some soulsearching on why that is. Either people you choose to be connected to are really that spiteful, OR… and stay with me here…..  maybe your friends are going through a rough patch and could use an actual FRIEND to help encourage them that things aren’t as dim and bleak and hateful as it appears…

Your Facebook feed is never an accurate reading on the world… its only a small section of people you’ve collected to stay connected to. Don’t ever take it as anything more than that.

#2 Gripe: Why can’t people ever seem to plain understand that if you want to find peace, its not found in demonizing or blaming others, or projecting that you are above human imperfections.

Peace is not found in unwillingness to even listen to another’s hardship or situation.

Peace is not found in supplying judgement over situations you only just heard of and/or never investigated beyond a two minute google search. Upon situations you’ve never experienced for yourself.

Peace is not found in an unwillingness to reflect upon your own behavior or require improvement in even yourself or require thought into what you publicly support.

Complete peace is not found without complete honesty and civil minded motivations. “Peace” that you encounter when things are hidden, is not really peace at all – its ignoring someone else’s exploitation or pain.


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    Affix your own mask first….

When you get on an airplane, its one of the first things they tell you. In the event of an emergency when air masks are deployed, you should always set up your own first. Why?  Because you can’t help others if you are dead. You have roughly 30 seconds to get your mask on.  Seems simple enough… yet.. there is a reason why the reminder is issued.

From the time we’re children we’re told not to think of ourselves first. We’re told its selfish. We’re told its disrespectful, but we are told all of these things without any context. We are told it in a very overly simplified way (probably because we are children) as if it is always 100% the best way to maneuver always. When we get older, and things graduate beyond sharing our toys, taking the last seat when someone else would benefit more from it… it gets forgotten sometimes to teach us that in fact, there are some situations in which our own clarity and well-being actually needs to be given more priority in order to be effective in what we do. You are able to give more and help more if you yourself are stable.

Put another way, you are far more able to help others find stability… if you have found it first.

I’m personally experiencing a down time. I’ve gotten into that rut.

The world is swirling around me with concerns and issues. Some mine, some my family and friends, some my communities, some my countries.  I’ve been feeling tapped out and pretty much felt suffocated, like I have no room to move or work. Limited resources to work with, and inability to be as productive as I feel I “should be”. Feeling like I’m barely getting by, and not accomplishing some needed things.

Truth is though… that is the story of everyone.

Even though I feel so spent.. truth is I need to admit to myself that I’ve not been doing “everything” I could, and a big part of that is because I’ve gotten in the habit of plain ignoring me.  If I’m to accomplish anything at all, I need to first make sure that I’m not “dead.”

This means that even though my husband’s health situation isn’t resolved, we actually have done work there. He is currently on medicines, he is figuring out his routines. The smart side of me knows that some of the things he says and does isn’t really about me or the kids at all. All the emotions and negativity when those times come… Its about how uncomfortable he is… uncomfortable with himself, with his place, with his sense of value. A good chunk of how we live this life is seated in how we choose to react and the attitudes that we allow ourselves to take on….. and in the end it doesn’t matter who around us, or what they say or do for us… we choose our willingness to change our own minds and our own situations. In the end I can’t do this for him.

I can be supportive, but not at the detriment of myself otherwise there may be a time where I can’t help him even a little. If I’m honest, I’ve been afraid to go get help for me, because it might take away from what he or the kids need… but if I don’t stop that, and begin to work some self care into that equation too.. then I won’t be able to help them even the little that I currently am able to.


I’m going to the doctor today. Going to talk about this current issues I’ve been experiencing. Going to re-open the possibility of getting a new neurologist, and I’m going alone. This way the conversation doesn’t get hijacked to other’s issues. I’m better at hiding my issues, and seem to not be trustworthy enough to not let someone take focus off of me, I generally welcome it. Mostly because I get this horrible uncomfortable feeling and get super self conscious when I have to talk to someone about me. Give me any other topic… please.

Anyhow.. this is the plan..


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