Had my first appointment today with my counselor to try and get this (whatever this is) dealt with.
Observation. My life lesson learned today – Even when you push uncomfortable things to the side to focus on “more important” things.. those hurts and thoughts from events don’t go away no matter how long you ignore them, or how long you choose to focus elsewhere. They remain unprocessed and undealt with until you actively do something with them. At some point there will be a tipping point, where it catches up to you because you’ve used up all the space you can stuff things. You may feel like you’ve escaped, because time and/or distance has passed.. but you won’t have… not until you breakdown and do the work of processing those emotions.
It’sInteresting. Never thought of myself as “textbook” but apparently.. in some regards I am.. but on the bright side.. my struggles are apparently within reason and totally sane.
I’m prepping to talk to a counselor a bit, and thought it might be good to just have some thoughts written out for whenever that occurs. That is what this is.
One of the things that I viscerally hated growing up, was that nothing was ever good enough. Even when I did do something well or excelled at something, the credit for actually getting there had already evaporated and was no longer noteworthy, or was already demoted to being sub-par, or was attributed to someone else entirely, even before the next step or goal or task was even identified.
I’ve struggled to make sure to not be this way with my kids. This is not to say that I’ve perfectly avoided it. It’s just meaning that I’ve meant well. It was super important to me that my kids always knew I loved them and never felt unvalued, or that they had to accomplish any certain things in order for them to be important enough for me to love them, …. all of which was the exact opposite experience of what I felt growing up.
I’ve had conversations with my kids where they’ve told me, that while they do feel that I support them overall, and that they assuredly know that I love them, I’m definitely not a parent that will gush over every single action. It was important to me to have my kids be able, and actually be ok to have some sort of a relationship with me. For them to feel comfortable coming to me wither or not they thought I’d approve. So far they all still talk to me about misc topics at times, so perhaps I may have done ok at least in that regard. That said… I’ve been thinking about it, and I’ve come to a few conclusions.
Confession #1 I’ve realized that I still treat myself the way I’d been brought up.. The things I personally do aren’t ever good enough to warrant importance in my own mind as far as self value is concerned. Its always been the same old internal grind to not be worthless garbage. Whatever I’ve done, even if its something I should be proud of… it instantly doesn’t matter, and is forgotten as soon as it occurs, because if I accomplished it, it probably wasn’t that difficult or important.
Confession #2 I’ve realized that I wield a double edged sword when it comes to how I deal with others on the topic of “me”. While I never “expect” anything out of anyone else.. and while I don’t “require” them to even be any certain way to be considered “worthy” of decency. I’ll listen and mentally note and consider what they have said on all other topics, but the second they express anything positive about me, I internally dismiss the value of what they’ve said on that specific topic.
Some times I don’t even acknowledge the compliment, as if nothing was even said, as if that part of the conversation just didn’t happen. Partly because I don’t know what to do with it. Internally I feel myself recoil from the attention and because I don’t feel the same about myself, I instantly attribute it to them “just being kind” and that is all. I disable it from being any “real” sentiment —- which is not only unkind to myself.. but unkind to them as well, especially people who haven’t given me evidence to disbelieve them. I want to reiterate though.. it is only about the topic of me… anything else they say, I will totally accept as being what they believe to be true… unless their actions prove otherwise.
Confession#3 I assume people do not desire to have me in their lives long-term. When I was young, I opened up to a couple of adults about some of my insecurities, and they pretty immediately moved on and avoided engaging me any further. So I tend to put up roadblocks to try to not allow myself to be in that place where people moving on doesn’t hurt as much, simply because I’ve expressed hurt or an insecurity I have.
The odd thing is that it has this weird side affect of making me really appreciate when I do end up having actual fun times with friends. It makes me super appreciative of those times, because enjoyment is hard to find at times. I always half expect times of enjoyment to possibly be the last time they may give me the time of day. It makes me feel like I always need to take a moment to express to people appreciation over whatever time they spent with me when I’ve enjoyed it, because they may not be around to thank later. I always kind of feel like I need to let them know that I appreciated their presence.
But when you dive into that —- This honestly is sort of awful of me as well, but I don’t at all know how to combat it. I don’t know how to accept that people might actually “want” to be my friend, or believe that anyone would continue to want to be my friend in the future. Even if they say they do, and even if they’ve done nothing to insinuate they wouldn’t want to… even if they’ve been nothing but kind.. I still internally question.
Oddly enough, this poor attitude doesn’t seem to make me think I shouldn’t invest in others, if anything it probably spurs me into believing what I’d always been accustomed to… that if I ever stop, that if I ever don’t reach out to check on them first…. that it would be the end of everything…. because what purpose would there be in them reaching out to me if they don’t need something from me.
I really need to figure out how to “De-program” myself when it comes to allowing myself to accept that anything about me is worth anything.
There are literally only two people that I feel comfortable enough to occasionally open up to about things like this, and I try really hard to not do it too often because I still worry that if I do.. they will simply get tired of me needing time from them.
This is not to say that I don’t have other loved ones that I value.. because I absolutely do.. but the honest truth is that with the majority of people in my life, my words have to be measured against what I know of their own struggles. They are going through their own things, and they need me to be the “strong” one.
Most aren’t to the point where they are comfortable enough with themselves that they would be able to separate my difficulties with self worth, as being merely that… and instead it would turn into something they take personally as if it was somehow a judgement on them, or about them, or against them.
This is not a logical attitude I’m struggling against, its one I’ve not been able to totally “unlearn” despite me feeling like I know better. It truly is all a “me” issue when it comes to things having to do with me, and me allowing myself to have any self worth. Its an issue where I sabotage my own self.
It is a weakness of my own, and its hard to allow myself to be vulnerable enough to know that its something I desperately need to deal with, and come to terms with its truth that I need to talk to someone professional to help me deal with it.
There are days when I see others so comfortable in their skin, and able to feel a joy that envelopes their whole being. One that is so visibly understood to behold…. One that isn’t instantly spoiled by worries and realities that creep in about whats next. I hope someday I can find and embrace that. To have the feeling last a bit longer would be so nice.. Honestly its those small moments that I actually get those few precious seconds, that’s where I can occasionally feel real, or alive. I’d like more of it.
I have family members that deal with anxiety, and sometimes I have a hard time understanding it, thinking that I don’t have that issue. Truth is though that isn’t correct because for me claim I don’t have anxiety is laughable. The reality is that the anxiety I have pushes different reactions than what some family members experience.
I have a few family members where their anxiety petrifies them. Keeps them where they are and has the tendency to leave them immobile, unable to process or move.
I realized today that my anxiety just takes a different form. Mine pushes me to run… not to run away in any literal sense, but rather more of a “pedal to the metal” type reaction where its more like I’m too scared to stop working towards something. To scared to become stuck where I’m not growing, or learning in some way. Worried I’ve not done enough, worried I’m not enough… I’m more afraid to stop… because if I do, I might get trapped in some bad situation, and then it could be possible that I no longer have the energy to escape it.
Momentum… velocity right… keep on keeping on… right?
The trouble is, pretty often I forget to actually let myself enjoy, and sometimes I feel like I forget how to enjoy in the first place. I know sometimes I should be more excited and revel in the moment, but the truth is that when those time finally arrive… generally at that point I’m already on to thinking about how to resolve the next thing… Internally… I’m no longer even in that moment, I’ve already left before the celebration could even be had.
Warning! This individual is totally able to reserve their opinions and not have it affect how they treat you. They are fully able to be decent, even kind towards you , all the while still having the full impression that you may be a complete idiot… and you will never now any different.
This has become a defence mechanism for me. I wish people were more thoughtful about what they say, how they say it, and really think about things. I wish they explored what they believe, and dissected it accordingly.
Truth is, I have times where I feel overly emotional too, but I don’t find the release in lashing out that others seem to. It just makes me feel worse, and I don’t feel like its worth trying to give people the benefit of the doubt when they’ve proven time and time again that it is beyond them. I’ve gotten to the place where I can’t bring myself to contribute in conversations. I simply can’t participate.
I don’t have the energy for clever comebacks, I don’t have the energy to beg people to be any different than they are, and so that means I can’t bring myself to play those games.
I know from the outside it must look like I don’t care, but the reality is I have gotten to the point where I have to turn the filter on to save my own sanity. I care, but I can’t be wasting my time anymore on people who plain don’t want to find inspiration to be any better than they are, or those who have stunted their own growth by believing they have nothing left to learn.
Sometimes we spend a lot of our time keeping our thoughts to ourselves because we don’t feel comfortable being able to admit who we are to others. We see them judge others on the most miniscule things, that makes things seem so fake and relationships so unstable. When we don’t share and it gives us plausible deniability. Many times we worry (and at times know) that others simply may not understand, and so we feel it isn’t worth losing even those limited friendships in trying to get people to understand where you are coming from.
Its much easier keeping things as one-sided as possible, where you are their friend, but where you don’t have to trust that they would really want to be there for you. On the same token, that can be incredibly lonely not feeling truly understood, not being able to trust that you have worth enough for people to value you, or want to share time with you.
There are a few people that breakthrough that shell, and those friendships force us to change our mode of operations a bit. They force us to realize that how we keep people at arms length isn’t the best way to go about things. The problem is it feels so much safer. Then there is also the worry of scaring those precious few away.
I’d like to live somewhere in the middle.. but I’m not always brave enough for that.
There are times when I’m in the most pain, that I become pretty angry at my parents for having me in the first place, and then for subjecting my siblings and I to the environment we were brought up in… all in a desire to acquire free farm labor. Two of the four surviving ended up with certain neurological issues, one un-diagnosed but understood, and me with the MS.
To give them the most benefit, I could chalk it up to being young and stupid, though, they weren’t all that young, one knew they didn’t want children and had them anyway, because the other wanted labor and to grant that one the excuse of stupidity seems to give them too much of an excuse.
But in the end the anger doesn’t help. I’m here now regardless, I’m hurting now regardless, and no amount of frustration or even blame or responsibility thrown in their direction will change anything. The past cannot be altered. The anger only serves to magnify what I don’t want right now.. the hurt.
Without knowing the future, without understanding what they put us through – which will likely always be beyond them, they might not have made the same decisions… but who knows.. they still might of… In the end it matters little, because now is now, and that is all I have to work with. Now is all that is in my current control.
I will choose to figure out how to minimize it now, how to calm my soul and how to rework my being to find what is the best possible, that allows me to come back stronger.
The utter truth is that we are all just small stipple points in time. Our doings do cause ripples that we should strive to be mindful about, but our existence isn’t the center of all that is… its merely our own center, and we should remember that.
Our power lies only in what we choose for our selves to express and manifest. Beyond imagined ranks and hierarchy, it is never truly our place to decide how others “should” live their lives, or how they “should” be, nor how they “should” view the world. Its a pretty aggrandizing belief to think that we would ever have that privilege over someone else. To believe that we have any sort of ownership over someone else’s mere being. There is no actual right to oppress nor enslave.
We should accept that we don’t actually need to be so very opinionated over how others choose to live. It is not necessary that people fall in line and just “be” what we imagine they should be, or “do” things in the manner we think they should. Recognize that your expectations of others is merely our “imagination” and nothing else. We are not the center, we are merely a small droplet in a vast ocean.
The only thing we should ever strive to actively enforce, or be opinionated about are things that adversely affect others when it comes to their health, or life itself.
Pearls to me are always associated with wisdom and truth. In thinking of how some don’t understand love without the presence of attachment, a visual of a pearl being present in someone’s heart came to mind, and it inspired this poem of mine.
The Precious Pearl
There is a precious pearl..
that resides deep within my heart
It started as a grain of sand
and all it does is grow
But now it is sleek and smooth
with no defects or strings attached
It is there for you…. whenever you want
Though I don’t believe it will ever find that path
It is yours in entirety..
though I don’t believe you understand
I don’t see it leaving me
nor ever reaching your hand
I cannot bear to drop it
or leave it on the ground
I had tried to do so in the past,
but the hole it left was too profound
So I keep it safe and warm
and hide it deep inside
There is truth and beauty in its form
and an internal strength that it serves to remind
Some things don’t need to be understood by others
to validate their existence
there is resolve, in that it remains intact
despite no expected reciprocation
That seems to only increase its value
and make it known to me
that its truth is plain stronger
than that of what is normally
So this pearl I will harbor
and smile quietly
Even though I know
that full understanding will never be
You plain may never be ready..
nor able to correctly understand
No rocking of your boat is needed
at least not at all by me….
Smooth sailing is my wish for you
No matter how far away from me that path may lead…
“One decent friend is worth more than a hundred mediocre relatives”
I have to say I wholeheartedly agree on that point. There is nothing that feels quite as pleasant as getting to spend some time with someone who’s energy you plain enjoy and who allows you to relax and actually feel comfortable being yourself. Someone whose energy seems to build up your spirit rather than deplete it. Those people are a rare find, and they are worth the world!
Not saying you can’t find that kind of relationship with family members, but it definitely isn’t as much of a “guaranteed” thing as we are initially led to believe when it comes to family.
In the end its not actually the similarities of your blood that make the strongest bonds… it ends up being the complementary effects of two different people’s energy and how much synergy is found that is the most rewarding.
Overheard this quote, and honestly I just wanted to remember it as sometimes it is so very relevant.
“Sometimes we just have to keep on living until we can feel alive again”
We all just have these times when we really wonder, when things just don’t seem to be working, when things just hurt…
Honestly that can merely mean that we just aren’t quite there yet. If we hang on and persevere long enough, we may find we are closer than we think. We may find that the good is just around the corner, or just out of sight or out of earshot. We could be just outside of something great and just not realize it because we are so discouraged.
Kind of reminds me of a minecraft comic I saw once.