All posts by sclason

Both “minds”… and I still cannot fathom

My logical mind expresses it this way:

IF your “morals” place unequivocal priority on an unexpressed life, then what value is your opinion really when that same value you have assigned that unexpressed life shrivels up the second it becomes an expressed life?

At that point they get touted as “someone else’s” responsibility, so why should you have to participate in anything regarding their actual continued support.

Your “opinion” on how the the lives of others should be shaped is worthless if once they are actually here, you no longer value or invest in their quality of life. Who are you to enforce your will over another’s personal choice… If you have no interest in supporting the reprecussions of the choice you are wanting enforced.

Herein lies my inability to give your opinion merit, if in reality you don’t care about helping that life’s potential be realized, your brain stops short of thinking through what all is actually needed for a new life to flourish.

My emotional mind expresses it this way:
I’m honestly so disappointed in our country, and this desire to backpedal. Abortion is NOT a simple topic, and treating it like it is a one-size-fits-all scenario, is absolutely pathetic, and a blatant indication of how little people actually know.

This isn’t even a thing I’ve had to personally deal with, but through the years what little I’ve been made aware of has been real-life situations where actual friends had to make the gut-wrenching choice to go through with it because of actual real-life pregnancy complication. To think of future women being stripped of the choice to have the care they need if those situations arise, or to think about the situation being held against them if someone unrelated somewhere decides to take an issue with the decision made……is thoroughly depressing.

Wither you like it or not, this opens a can of worms that people obviously aren’t really thinking through if they are celebrating this decision.

And here we are again…

Roe vs Wade…. really… this is something you think is important to overturn right now…. This is what you want to focus on?

The amount that this country wishes to backpedal is astounding sometimes. Its alarming how people who are supposed to be learned individuals, are so obviously not. History is not something they consult, data is being ignored and they are blatantly choosing not to learn from things our country had already experienced.. had already realized. We’ve been down these roads in the past.

I’ve lucked out, and never had to make that kind of choice, but I’m not dumb enough to believe that this kind of choice should be anyone’s but the individual involved. Your opinion on how others “should” live, should never outweigh the people who are actually living it….. especially when the reality in these scenarios is that you get the privilege to continue to stand on your pulpit, without ever having to actually deal with any of the consequences, nor lift a finger to help someone who is forced into the consequences of “your decision” for their life, all based on your personal faith, or lack of faith in people to be given the freedom of their own decisions, when it comes to such a personal matter.

Life Lesson – lets hope I remember it


Had my first appointment today with my counselor to try and get this (whatever this is) dealt with.

Observation.
My life lesson learned today – Even when you push uncomfortable things to the side to focus on “more important” things.. those hurts and thoughts from events don’t go away no matter how long you ignore them, or how long you choose to focus elsewhere. They remain unprocessed and undealt with until you actively do something with them. At some point there will be a tipping point, where it catches up to you because you’ve used up all the space you can stuff things. You may feel like you’ve escaped, because time and/or distance has passed.. but you won’t have… not until you breakdown and do the work of processing those emotions.

It’s Interesting. Never thought of myself as “textbook” but apparently.. in some regards I am.. but on the bright side.. my struggles are apparently within reason and totally sane.

Coming to terms….

I’m prepping to talk to a counselor a bit, and thought it might be good to just have some thoughts written out for whenever that occurs. That is what this is.

One of the things that I viscerally hated growing up, was that nothing was ever good enough. Even when I did do something well or excelled at something, the credit for actually getting there had already evaporated and was no longer noteworthy, or was already demoted to being sub-par, or was attributed to someone else entirely, even before the next step or goal or task was even identified.

I’ve struggled to make sure to not be this way with my kids. This is not to say that I’ve perfectly avoided it. It’s just meaning that I’ve meant well. It was super important to me that my kids always knew I loved them and never felt unvalued, or that they had to accomplish any certain things in order for them to be important enough for me to love them, …. all of which was the exact opposite experience of what I felt growing up.

I’ve had conversations with my kids where they’ve told me, that while they do feel that I support them overall, and that they assuredly know that I love them, I’m definitely not a parent that will gush over every single action. It was important to me to have my kids be able, and actually be ok to have some sort of a relationship with me. For them to feel comfortable coming to me wither or not they thought I’d approve. So far they all still talk to me about misc topics at times, so perhaps I may have done ok at least in that regard.
That said… I’ve been thinking about it, and I’ve come to a few conclusions.

Confession #1 I’ve realized that I still treat myself the way I’d been brought up.. The things I personally do aren’t ever good enough to warrant importance in my own mind as far as self value is concerned. Its always been the same old internal grind to not be worthless garbage. Whatever I’ve done, even if its something I should be proud of… it instantly doesn’t matter, and is forgotten as soon as it occurs, because if I accomplished it, it probably wasn’t that difficult or important.

Confession #2 I’ve realized that I wield a double edged sword when it comes to how I deal with others on the topic of “me”. While I never “expect” anything out of anyone else.. and while I don’t “require” them to even be any certain way to be considered “worthy” of decency. I’ll listen and mentally note and consider what they have said on all other topics, but the second they express anything positive about me, I internally dismiss the value of what they’ve said on that specific topic.

Some times I don’t even acknowledge the compliment, as if nothing was even said, as if that part of the conversation just didn’t happen. Partly because I don’t know what to do with it. Internally I feel myself recoil from the attention and because I don’t feel the same about myself, I instantly attribute it to them “just being kind” and that is all. I disable it from being any “real” sentiment —- which is not only unkind to myself.. but unkind to them as well, especially people who haven’t given me evidence to disbelieve them. I want to reiterate though.. it is only about the topic of me… anything else they say, I will totally accept as being what they believe to be true… unless their actions prove otherwise.

Confession#3 I assume people do not desire to have me in their lives long-term. When I was young, I opened up to a couple of adults about some of my insecurities, and they pretty immediately moved on and avoided engaging me any further. So I tend to put up roadblocks to try to not allow myself to be in that place where people moving on doesn’t hurt as much, simply because I’ve expressed hurt or an insecurity I have.

The odd thing is that it has this weird side affect of making me really appreciate when I do end up having actual fun times with friends. It makes me super appreciative of those times, because enjoyment is hard to find at times. I always half expect times of enjoyment to possibly be the last time they may give me the time of day. It makes me feel like I always need to take a moment to express to people appreciation over whatever time they spent with me when I’ve enjoyed it, because they may not be around to thank later. I always kind of feel like I need to let them know that I appreciated their presence.

But when you dive into that —- This honestly is sort of awful of me as well, but I don’t at all know how to combat it. I don’t know how to accept that people might actually “want” to be my friend, or believe that anyone would continue to want to be my friend in the future. Even if they say they do, and even if they’ve done nothing to insinuate they wouldn’t want to… even if they’ve been nothing but kind.. I still internally question.

Oddly enough, this poor attitude doesn’t seem to make me think I shouldn’t invest in others, if anything it probably spurs me into believing what I’d always been accustomed to… that if I ever stop, that if I ever don’t reach out to check on them first…. that it would be the end of everything…. because what purpose would there be in them reaching out to me if they don’t need something from me.

I really need to figure out how to “De-program” myself when it comes to allowing myself to accept that anything about me is worth anything.

There are literally only two people that I feel comfortable enough to occasionally open up to about things like this, and I try really hard to not do it too often because I still worry that if I do.. they will simply get tired of me needing time from them.

This is not to say that I don’t have other loved ones that I value.. because I absolutely do.. but the honest truth is that with the majority of people in my life, my words have to be measured against what I know of their own struggles. They are going through their own things, and they need me to be the “strong” one.

Most aren’t to the point where they are comfortable enough with themselves that they would be able to separate my difficulties with self worth, as being merely that… and instead it would turn into something they take personally as if it was somehow a judgement on them, or about them, or against them.

This is not a logical attitude I’m struggling against, its one I’ve not been able to totally “unlearn” despite me feeling like I know better. It truly is all a “me” issue when it comes to things having to do with me, and me allowing myself to have any self worth. Its an issue where I sabotage my own self.

It is a weakness of my own, and its hard to allow myself to be vulnerable enough to know that its something I desperately need to deal with, and come to terms with its truth that I need to talk to someone professional to help me deal with it.


Frustrating observation

The frustrating thing about being human… is that some are not allowed to be human…. and everyone seems to own some biased opinion on some other group’s value.

Humans are resistant to updating their bias, even when they meet someone of that group that doesn’t fit their bias belief about that group.. they’d rather keep the bias and just say “well — that particular one is just ok “

They’d rather not update their thoughts or beliefs, despite being proven wrong on their own court. Its an obnoxious tendency.

Numbness all around… too much dedicated focus… and not enough

Numbness is something that is commonly on my mind, but recently it’s kind of entered multiple levels of thought for me.

Physically, MS has decided to make all the skin on my left side be a bit messed up. I feel, or rather sometimes don’t fully feel things on that side. Mostly its like that side lives in a glove that at different intervals dulls, or sharpens, or delays what my skin can sense. I’ve actually burnt myself a few times now because it has taken longer for the sensation of heat to reach my brain. I have a nice new splatter burn mark on my chest from the abrupt reaction I had once the feeling reached where it was identified. Probably something I’ll have for awhile, and a reminder that it actually isn’t wise to probably be wearing a tank top when cooking food. ><

I don’t know what to think or feel about this, It definitely has days that is better and worse, and they fluctuate, but I feel like the damage is done, and “normal” feeling won’t likely ever be quite the same, nor all that near to what it had been.

The fear as to what that means going forward, honestly affects me mentally sometimes. For the longest time, the most helpful thing for me was that of minimizing inflammation, coupled with a “bit” of distraction therapy. I do realize that isn’t always the best solution, but it is something that helps me cope.

There have honestly already been times when I’ve allowed myself to get so mentally focused on projects, or work, that when I’m done, its like I forgot that I had any issue. I’ll try to do something physical, and be sharply reminded that I have limits. This is a bit of a painful hit on my pride. When you’ve grown up as a “do-er” who doesn’t bother waiting for someone else to come help with something… (mostly because you couldn’t rely on anyone to feel that what you personally wanted or needed was at all important). To not always just be able to do everything anymore, it sometimes makes me upset, but I really don’t dare to allow myself to think too hard or long on it. It hurts my soul to have a piece of yourself, your way of life, not be in your power anymore, but regardless of how it makes me feel.. I still have to make peace with it and figure out something else that I am actually able to accomplish.

I suppose that sounds bad… like I’m a control freak or something, but the thing is it has nothing to do with anyone else. Its all a disappointment in myself I sometimes have a hard time with. When your value had growing up been tied to “what you could do for others” it is kind of hard sometimes to shake it, even though you “know better”… but its like this silent presence sitting in the background always there, even though you tell yourself it shouldn’t be there.

So that all escalated into more than I meant to share…

Originally I came here with the thought to talk about a whole other topic… I wanted to talk about a observation I had.

Growing up, we were told that no one was perfect, and that no ones life is truly ever problem-free. I know this, and yet as I grow older, I just seem to notice more and more pain and unrest in those around me both young and old. To the point where I’m questioning if its always been to this extent for everyone before – just in a more behind closed doors type situation… or if things have changed to where the current state of life is plain offering less hope for people to latch onto and people are suffering more?

I guess it could be just more noticeable because the current world has never been more willing to outwardly share their anxiety and pain that they are going through. They’ve never been more willing to share everything they think and feel unscripted and raw. I see lots of discussions (which can be helpful for growth and healing) but at the same time there is also a lot of ruminations and dramatics on some things where headway is not being made because we dwell too long, or give ourselves the luxury of being angry instead of being productive. It is no longer that people at all seem to worry about how something makes them seem, or the impressions they give. Which I guess in a way is good, but I can’t help but think it can also be bad too.

I see more suffering and pain at a time where things really should have been so much better. I feel like people are caught up in themselves, their pain, and their fear and anger and not enough in what is best outside of themselves.

I know that when I focus too much on my hurts, my failures, my issues… its really not good for me mentally, and really gets me down. I desperately need the distraction of caring about others, but at the same time I still need to balance it all, and be able to release myself from being too involved in their dramas and daily needs too. To prevent myself in going too far down someone else’s rabbit hole. Its not easy, and I’m honestly at such an odd space right now, and I can’t help but feel like we all are. We all feel too much and are all so numb at the same time.

Like with my MS, the desire to return to a normal that is rather unlikely to return, does us less good to focus on than we think. At some point, I think in the interest of the health of the world and those that inhabit it, that we actually need to figure out how to deal with what is reality right now, and figure out something that will allow us to form a few more positives towards what can be a new normal, since that no matter how we want to fight it…… something altered is what we will end up having to work with. It will be different no matter how much we want to distract ourselves from the truth.




Finding solace under the Sycamore Tree…

“The light that makes you cry your first tears…”
The funny… or not so funny thing about youtube, is that one thing can lead into another, then into yet another, then to yet another… the subject matter can be so random.

As I worked today, I started with a funny video that just talked about misc facts. The third video today brought me to absolute tears. Its an insane thing to hear words describe the experience that is your daily life, be expressed so concisely and eloquently on point.

This was the third video I had came across today.. Thank you John Green for expressing this in a way that I’ve struggled to express to even myself, and that I tip-toe around ever trying to express out loud.

Sick with worry

Have you ever been so sick with worry about something that is reasonable to worry about, but that shouldn’t paralyze you to the extent it does? ….. Over something that isn’t your place to have the privilege to worry about to the extent you are.. you know this, but your heart can’t help it?