Occasionally there is no changing certain things because you’ve already done what is under your own control.
Sometimes the anger just turns into numbness and exhaustion and there is no more you can actually offer.
For the first time in a bit, I’ve been able to articulate a simple goal to myself. Maybe it was the scene, maybe it was the hours spent on my absolute own with not even my phone to distract me from my own thoughts.
I just want to get through this… Whatever this ends up being. I want to survive and I’d actually like to end up healthy afterwards regardless.
I abandon the responsibility of “knowing the right answer” or of even convincing people of it. The things that happen, just will. I can encourage better, but I can’t force it, nor can I reliably know all the variables.
I will have to just take comfort in that I know that I mean no harm, and that I only know what I know.
I was listening to a video that talked about some value cards in used in therapy to help people identify what matters to them. I took a stab at ordering them. These are not in order of importance, just in alphabetical order with initial reaction to seeing the card.
- ACCURACY (to be accurate in my opinions and beliefs)
- AUTONOMY (to be self-determined and independent)
- CHALLENGE (to take on difficult tasks and problems)
- COMMITMENT (to make enduring, meaningful commitments)
- COMPASSION (to feel and act on concern for others)
- COOPERATION (to work collaboratively with others)
- COURTESY (to be considerate and polite toward others)
- DEPENDABILITY (to be reliable and trustworthy)
- DUTY (to carry out my duties and obligations)
- FAITHFULNESS (to be loyal and true in relationships)
- FAMILY (to have a happy, loving family)
- FLEXIBILITY (to adjust to new circumstances easily)
- FRIENDSHIP (to have close, supportive friends)
- GENUINENESS to act in a manner that is true to who I am
- GROWTH (to keep changing and growing)
- HEALTH (to be physically well and healthy)
- HELPFULNESS (to be helpful to others)
- HONESTY (to be honest and truthful)
- HOPE (to maintain a positive and optimistic outlook)
- INDEPENDENCE (to be free from dependence on others)
- INNER PEACE (to experience personal peace)
- KNOWLEDGE (to learn and contribute valuable knowledge)
- LOVING (to give love to others)
- MINDFULNESS (to live conscious and mindful of the present moment)
- MONOGAMY (to have one close, loving relationship)
- NURTURANCE (to take care of and nurture others)
- OPENNESS (to be open to new experiences, ideas, and options)
- RATIONALITY (to be guided by reason and logic)
- REALISM (to see and act realistically and practically)
- RESPONSIBILITY (to make and carry out responsible decisions)
- SELF-CONTROL (to be disciplined in my own actions)
- SOLITUDE (to have time and space where I can be apart from others)
- VIRTUE (to live a morally pure and excellent life)
Important to me
- ACCEPTANCE (to be accepted as I am)
- BEAUTY (to appreciate beauty around me)
- CHANGE (to have a life full of change and variety)
- COMFORT (to have a pleasant and comfortable life)
- CONTRIBUTION (to make a lasting contribution in the world)
- CREATIVITY (to have new and original ideas)
- CARING (to take care of others)
- ECOLOGY (to live in harmony with the environment)
- FITNESS (to be physically fit and strong)
- FUN (to play and have fun)
- HUMILITY (to be modest and unassuming)
- INDUSTRY (to work hard and well at my life tasks)
- INTIMACY (to share my innermost experiences with others)
- JUSTICE (to promote fair and equal treatment for all)
- LEISURE (to take time to relax and enjoy)
- LOVED (to be loved by those close to me)
- MASTERY (to be competent in my everyday activities)
- MODERATION (to avoid excesses and find a middle ground)
- NON-CONFORMITY (to question and challenge authority and norms)
- ORDER (to have a life that is well-ordered and organized)
- PASSION (to have deep feelings about ideas, activities, or people)
- PLEASURE (to feel good)
- PURPOSE (to have meaning and direction in my life)
- SAFETY (to be safe and secure)
- SELF-ACCEPTANCE (to accept myself as I am)
- SELF-ESTEEM (to feel good about myself)
- SELF-KNOWLEDGE (to have a deep and honest understanding of myself)
- SERVICE (to be of service to others)
- SIMPLICITY (to live life simply, with minimal needs)
- SPIRITUALITY (to grow and mature spiritually)
- STABILITY (to have a life that stays fairly consistent)
- TOLERANCE (to accept and respect those who differ from me)
Not Important to me
- ACHIEVEMENT (to have important accomplishments)
- ATTRACTIVENESS (to be physically attractive)
- AUTHORITY (to be in charge of and responsible for others)
- EXCITEMENT (to have a life full of thrills and stimulation)
- FAME (to be known and recognized)
- FORGIVENESS (to be forgiving of others)
- GENEROSITY (to give what I have to others)
- GOD’S WILL (to seek and obey the will of God)
- HUMOR (to see the humorous side of myself and the world)
- POPULARITY (to be well-liked by many people)
- POWER (to have control over others)
- RISK (to take risks and chances)
- ROMANCE (to have intense, exciting love in my life)
- SEXUALITY (to have an active and satisfying sex life)
- TRADITION (to follow respected patterns of the past)
- WEALTH (to have plenty of money)
What do you do when you feel the tears behind the eyes. When you know your mind has done an amazing job of tricking you. Where your internal thoughts gaslight you just as well as any external source could…. if not better.
I feel it… the pressure, the pain, the disregard.. the unshed tears… and somehow I’m unable to correctly identify or articulate what exactly it is, or the why it remains. It all seems far too much (and at the same time irrelevant and pointless) to go into. It feels so far beyond my ability to break down into digestible pieces.
It seems too much to talk out with friends.. because its just too much in general. There is no beginning point to easily start at, and starting at the end is too complicated. I myself don’t even know why or what this feeling is. Its not fair to them honestly. No one has time for that.. including me.
So I tell myself “its just a feeling” and shove it back to the side and go on with my normal tasks.
Yet it remains.
Not at all taking the hint that it is unwelcome and should leave.
I do want it to go away. Its exhausting and it saps enjoyment from most things and makes me question constantly what exactly and where exactly I’ve been taken… or worse… where I’ve allowed myself to get.
I read a quote recently
“Feeling the need to be busy all the time is a trauma response and fear-based distraction from what you’d be forced to acknowledge and feel if you slowed down”
I’ve seen it attributed to multiple different people (so sorry for not citing.. I don’t know which is true)
Regardless.. this quote feels like it is calling me out directly. Growing up – I participated in everything I could get my hands on. When I got MS – I would honestly use work to distract me from the way I felt physically… and I suppose emotionally as well.
Distraction — It was the main thing that half worked and since the things I focused on were not seen as selfish, because its was all centered around different family needs, or what work needs, or about accomplishing something, or helping someone… It doesn’t get questioned. You are allowed to proceed for as long as you are able, and no one is the wiser.
Except… While it had been “OK” (aka manageable) for the longest time… somehow at 42 it just stopped being ok. Stopped working as well as it had previously. Things I used to be able to push aside (and forget/demerit its importance), I can’t always anymore… it lingers. Things I used to distract my attention… just doesn’t work quite as well.
There is an irony in that it really got hard at 42 yrs old… 42…. the number cited as being the meaning of life… Life has been the most challenging internally since then.
Perhaps the best way to honor the brave, is to show some bravery ourselves. I think its incredibly brave to fulfill the role of an actual well adjusted adult, who has it within them to not hate others simply because they think or look different.
It is brave to not be such a slave to our own (honestly often) half thought out opinions. It is brave to not limit our own opportunities to grow. It is brave to understand things aren’t as simple as we’d often like them to be.
It is brave to not be quite as impressed with ourselves, our party, our team, or our own side of the argument. It is brave to not need to be defined by a banner. It is brave to still be able to really think something through reasonably.
It is brave to make the choice to actually and fairly listen and consider, and be willing to choose to adjust if an understanding is expanded, or to respectfully offer what has convinced us to the other (without being petty).
It is brave to realize you are responsible for your actions, your sentiments you promote, the quality of the information you pass along.
Let’s choose bravery… Lets make them proud.
“You are responsible for how you act, no matter how you feel” ~ unknown
I think this is a lesson that remains unlearned by too many. Too many can’t seem to be in actual relationships.
Truth is – If it is beyond you to understand that your feelings and thoughts aren’t always based in actual truth, then the issue you are suffering does actually start with you. period. You are not mastering yourself and you are choosing a victim mentality, and expecting everyone else to react in your favor despite your disregard for what is the actual scenario.
Personally I’m more than willing to help people who are wanting to resolve things and do the hard work of give and take with each other to improve things. But I’m increasingly tired of having to adjust to your version of the scenario where everything is tainted with your opinion and your feelings that you don’t require anything beyond the fact you “feel” them to make them true to you.
When you can’t seem to rise above how you “feel” to have any empathy at all for how others might be feeling or understanding things, because that might remove validation from “your feelings”, that is not respectable.
You don’t gain respect ever by being immature socially. You push people away once they recognize that, and sometimes until that pattern is visibly different, for a real long time… you aren’t going to gain their trust back. They may choose to not do any more with you than they absolutely have to in the interest of their own mental sanity.
If you can’t understand that it might be because you’ve hurt them, or lost their trust in some way, and you can’t simply understand they may need some time, to see you be better on a constant basis going forward (evidence), rather than you just saying you are better, then you will never understand. You are wanting people to be respectful of you.. but are not interested in returning the favor.
I wish things were different…
I wish energy was matched…
I wish understandings were shared…
I realize.. that even if things were different… I’d probably still want some things different. May even want what is reality now.
I realize.. that if others actually matched my energy at my highs.. then they’d also match me at my lows.. and that isn’t as ideal as one would think.
I realized.. that its not always best for everyone to understand the same things.. because if they did.. then what joy would I have in learning something new, or even enjoying some of the unique ideas so close to my heart.
It could be different… but honestly it is already different.. and trading one different for another may not be as ideal as you’d hope.
My logical mind expresses it this way:
IF your “morals” place unequivocal priority on an unexpressed life, then what value is your opinion really when that same value you have assigned that unexpressed life shrivels up the second it becomes an expressed life?
At that point they get touted as “someone else’s” responsibility, so why should you have to participate in anything regarding their actual continued support.
Your “opinion” on how the the lives of others should be shaped is worthless if once they are actually here, you no longer value or invest in their quality of life. Who are you to enforce your will over another’s personal choice… If you have no interest in supporting the reprecussions of the choice you are wanting enforced.
Herein lies my inability to give your opinion merit, if in reality you don’t care about helping that life’s potential be realized, your brain stops short of thinking through what all is actually needed for a new life to flourish.
My emotional mind expresses it this way:
I’m honestly so disappointed in our country, and this desire to backpedal. Abortion is NOT a simple topic, and treating it like it is a one-size-fits-all scenario, is absolutely pathetic, and a blatant indication of how little people actually know.
This isn’t even a thing I’ve had to personally deal with, but through the years what little I’ve been made aware of has been real-life situations where actual friends had to make the gut-wrenching choice to go through with it because of actual real-life pregnancy complication. To think of future women being stripped of the choice to have the care they need if those situations arise, or to think about the situation being held against them if someone unrelated somewhere decides to take an issue with the decision made……is thoroughly depressing.
Wither you like it or not, this opens a can of worms that people obviously aren’t really thinking through if they are celebrating this decision.
Roe vs Wade…. really… this is something you think is important to overturn right now…. This is what you want to focus on?
The amount that this country wishes to backpedal is astounding sometimes. Its alarming how people who are supposed to be learned individuals, are so obviously not. History is not something they consult, data is being ignored and they are blatantly choosing not to learn from things our country had already experienced.. had already realized. We’ve been down these roads in the past.
I’ve lucked out, and never had to make that kind of choice, but I’m not dumb enough to believe that this kind of choice should be anyone’s but the individual involved. Your opinion on how others “should” live, should never outweigh the people who are actually living it….. especially when the reality in these scenarios is that you get the privilege to continue to stand on your pulpit, without ever having to actually deal with any of the consequences, nor lift a finger to help someone who is forced into the consequences of “your decision” for their life, all based on your personal faith, or lack of faith in people to be given the freedom of their own decisions, when it comes to such a personal matter.