Grieving for the magic…

Have you ever just been in awe and amazed at some presentation of magic and it filled you heart with joy and wonder. Its surprise entertains you and keeps you amazed, to the point you think about it long after seeing it.  Then at some point, your curiosity just can’t be satiated and you look it up to find out how that amazing thing could possibly have been done. You discover the secret which is great in that you now know a bit more, and understand things a little more outside of the box… but that sense of wonder you once had, simply fades away with the knowledge about it.

I’ve never been able to push aside my curiosity when it came to things like that. I value knowing, and possibly being able to be a little more level-headed about certain things BECAUSE my curiosity pushed me…   I value knowledge,  I value understanding, and it is important to me, and part of me at my core……  and yet..

Its hard to admit, but sometimes I really miss the magic. Sometimes I miss the joy and comfort in citing something wondrous and allowing faith in the mysterious as being a credible reason for things occurring.

Mostly I miss the sense of comfort, and hope generated by being able to just believe that a wish or prayer impacted anything…

It can be gut wrenching when all I have to offer is words…. knowing full well that even the things I wish for others can feel so meaningless to say as I often don’t have the power to truly force anything positive to happen for them. I struggle in believing that things will just work out for the good… just because they will, because in my experience, that is not the story that my dealings with people keeps repeating.

Hope can be rather elusive at times, but in the end I think its our actual choices that shape the majority of our lives, rather than some “Fate” or “Plan” worked out by someone else.

It may have been far easier when I was younger and was more optimistic than realistic.  I miss those days.  I miss feeling inspired and really only desiring to inspire others, and thinking I could. Truth is that you can’t inspire those who aren’t willing to be inspired in the first place.

It got to a point where it became difficult to trust in things so unknown, once the repeated patterns and tendencies in the known world became so laid bare.  Not saying that pleasant surprises don’t happen… because they truly do…  I’m just saying that it isn’t something that I feel can be relied upon to just occur.  Reality tells me that bad things just happen.. and its always our choice with what we do with the situation at hand.  We steer our own lives, and that is a lot of responsibility that many can’t or don’t seem to want to accept.  Things aren’t black and white, we don’t actually have to take the standard path, we don’t have to stop looking for something better, and sometimes we do have to just do things we aren’t excited about and go through discomfort in order to reach the goals we have. Its on us to keep at it and not allow ourselves to stay in those dark patches. This is my truth.

But… coming to that conclusion, it sure makes things more difficult at times to ever go back to finding that simplified joy of being amazed, and really just trusting that the world or the mysterious would just work things out FOR us… just because it “should”.

Work out DESPITE us—yes – that I can see because something will happen regardless… and inaction is a choice… even if we don’t like to admit it.  But,  I have lost my trust that it will simply work out for the greater good if we are always just leaving it up to miracles and chance… leaving things to thoughts and prayers.

That said… it is a  truth that I do feel it heavily right now.

Sometimes I do just simply miss the magic  and am a bit envious of those who have faith and find actual comfort in believing that things will just turn out good “in the end” because something or someone else will take care of it. It was definitely far easier… and allowed me feel ok about resting more.

I at times wish I could be convinced of this easier path, and way of looking at things…  especially during those times when I become so tired.

But… this too shall pass.. and things will change… If I really do put some effort into changing them.. there is some hope to be found in there.


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