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Sometimes you run because you have to. Because if you don’t then the worries you’ve been unable to deal with are able to catch up, and it kills you to let them. They eat away at your heart and soul, and you can’t allow that because if you do, there is no safety net. There is no backup support. There is no one else to shoulder this with, so you can’t allow them to catch you. You just keep pushing through, going a day at a time. Hoping and praying to the universe that it will all be ok if you can push a little longer…. but sometimes you stumble. Sometimes they do catch up, and they overtake you, and unfortunately, they have tonight, so I find myself unable to sleep and in tears in front of my computer. Typing away to try and get these feelings off…. to lay them somewhere else, because I’m already tired, but I still have to work in the morning.

You just keep pushing through, going a day at a time. Hoping and praying to the universe that it will all be ok if you can push a little longer…. but sometimes you stumble. Sometimes they do catch up, and sometimes they overtake you, and unfortunately, they have tonight. This is why I find myself unable to sleep for the last four hours and hopelessly in tears in front of my computer. Typing away to try and relieve myself of some of this pressure. Desperately wishing to get these feelings off of me….. to lay them somewhere else, because I’m already tired, but I still have to work in the morning. Tomorrow my eyes will be puffy, and I will once again likely blame allergies to people who care to ask why I’m a bit puffy, and I’ll feel bad to do that but the alternative is to explain too many things that they weren’t really in the position, nor wanting to hear in the first place… besides, the last thing I want or need is sympathy, because all it does is compound how inept I feel at not being able to manage and take care of those around me let alone myself.

How expensive peace of mind seems to be, and how odd it is that people are so opinionated on whether someone else “deserves” it or not. I sometimes wonder what it is you have to do to “earn” it? I’m at this point able to work full time and push through everything, but I still am not able to afford it. Its all I can do to keep this family of mine going in maintenance mode. Where just enough is taken care of to keep them fed, housed, and clothed, but not much more.

Deon’s troubles with Fibromyalgia and the chronic inflammation issues keep piling up. He falls more than twice a week, thankfully able to get himself back up after a bit… but what do I do when that is not the case? His medicines keep getting added to, and like me, only seem to be able to keep him in a maintenance mode… to where it keeps him somewhat stable-ish, but doesn’t resolve the pain or the issues he’s experiencing, just minimizes them. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful, and he is too, but it does get to him, and makes him chaotic and emotional, which makes him question everything, and I have no answers…. none at all. He should be going to specialists that we’ve been referred to, but honestly, they haven’t been helpful in the past, and at this point in “maintenance mode” there really isn’t the money to spend on things that don’t help. This sounds horrible of me to say, but I can’t afford it at the moment to continue to see Doctors who nickel and dime you without giving direction nor actual assistance.

My youngest son used to be a catcher for his baseball team. Now he mainly catches anything and every sickness possible. He gets the flu, or a cold so often that we got a letter from the “dropout” specialist warning us that we were reported to them because he has missed so many days. Luckily he is a self-driven student and he catches up in his classes pretty quickly, and once the teachers get around to grading everything, he is still somehow on honor roll. I’m not exactly sure what they want us to do.. send him in sick so he can infect others?  It usually takes a day or two and then he shakes it off, so we haven’t even been making Doctor appointments for him, we tend to wait a day or two… which drives me crazy with worry, yet I know “it will probably be alright”, so we wait first to see, because if we took him in each time, the co-pays alone would be an actual problem.

My older son, he is on this emotional roller coaster at the moment. It worries me because my coworker just lost her son of the same age to just that. I’m having a hard time getting thru to him, I don’t know that he ever really gets the lessons and coping strategies I’m trying to teach him, he gets caught up in the emotional part and just won’t talk to anyone about anything real. He covers it up with being silly, but I can see he’s actually weighed down internally. No clue if I’m handling things with him right or not, he’s so different from my other two. I would like to get him in to see a counselor and have them talk to him and give me any possible hints as to what I could do differently, because I don’t feel like what I’m doing is working, and I’ve not got much time left with him really. Not because I think he would do anything (course my coworker never thought it either), but mainly because he is going to be eighteen this year and released on the world, and I just hope he has the tools to grow the rest of the way and cope in a healthy way with what the world is.

When it comes to me, the truth is… I’m tired, and I hurt, and I’m kinda tired of hurting. MS has thrown at me all the off the wall and odd symptoms to which I have to try and weed through if something is serious or not… If I should try and get help, or wait it out in case it simply dissipates with sleep and quiet time or distraction.

I’m up this evening because I have this odd sensation on my neck, ear, and a small spot on the back of my head that the nerves are telling me that they hurt and itch like crazy. No bite that I can find, no odd rash or discoloration at all… yet its bad enough to interrupt my sleep and not let me be able to rest. Stupid I know, and I’ll do what I always do, but I worry. At some point, my normal measures may not be a “good enough” option.

I actually had to say no to my Daughter’s Mother’s Day offer of getting me a massage, because at the moment the skin on the left side plain hurts to be touched by anything other than clothes. I have to keep covered to find relief which makes the 96 degrees Fahrenheit days we’ve been having kind of tricky.  I wouldn’t have been able to handle it right now while this is going on.

Truth is that I’ve not even seen a neurologist in the past four years. I was referred to one last year, and they said they’d call me in six months and that was roughly eight months ago. I should be diligent… I should be advocating to get a new one as soon as possible. The reality is though that everytime I get one, they make me do tests that take three years to pay off, and they get nothing helpful out of them. They just tell me what I already know by simply living my life. That I’m decently stable compared to others with MS, and that if I want, I could go on medicines, but all it would do is play decoy to distract from other inflammation in my system, and “possibly” cause me to have “less” symptoms “IF” the MS was acting up. Not a sure thing though, kind of a gamble… oh and a side effect is feeling like you have the flu every day. I’ve been there, I’ve done that, it isn’t worth the gamble when at the moment I seem to be able to rest to minimize things… course I can’t rest right now. ><

It makes me question myself to always be in this “maintenance mode” of limping along… pushing a “little longer’… hoping that the universe allows issues with those I take care of, and with me to “just work out eventually.” till I get to the point where I actually can get things resolved.

In every other area of my life, I’m so pro-active. I plan, I figure out ways to resolve it now, adapt or move on… in order to keep going.

In this health care taking aspect, I seem to fail to be able to have that same nature and it’s really getting to me.

I should be getting Deon to a specialist to see what else could be done. I should be taking my youngest in more often to the Doctor so that we can figure out why he’s so susceptible to picking up sicknesses, and figuring out how we can help that. I should be getting my older son to a counselor so that he has someone to talk to since he can’t seem to open up to me without me constantly prying at him. I should not be waiting to get back under someone’s care for this MS….. but, in the world, we live in, that all requires money which I have just enough to just keep us getting by in this  “maintenance mode.”

All this talk about healthcare in the government right now, and honestly they are simpletons and nowhere near resolving this when the main priority they seem to focus on is on the existence of plans you could buy into, instead of the affordability of care needed in the first place. I have insurance, but right now it does me little good because I only end up being able to afford the occasional “maintenance” visits, but nothing further.

But it is what it is… and I’ll keep going as long as I can. I have work in two hours now …. it’s going to be a long day.

Admitting frustration relieves a bit of this, so maybe now I can shake it off, just hope the universe is kind in the level of severity it presents us with, and I’ll begin my run again.

I don’t run because I’m scared, because truly if the resources were there I’d be all over all of these things rather than doing a little for this one now, and a little for another next payday and so on.   I don’t think I run and try to avoid focusing too intently on these worries because I’m scared… I think I run in the hopes that I’ll reach a point where I’ll find what I need in order to just deal with them head on.

Hopefully, after getting this out I’ll be lighter and able to be faster than the worries for a bit. Hopefully, they won’t catch me and consume me again this way again for a little while longer. It’s time to go maintain this life as best I can… now… where were those running shoes?

 

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You see, its not really about getting us to support you as a politician.. Its actually about you as an elected official supporting and serving our citizens.  So many seem to confuse the purpose of a political office as being “re-elected” rather than “making a real difference” like doing things that make our foundation of people stronger and more viable.

We were once told that we should  “Ask not what your country can do for you… but what you can do for your country” right? Well we the citizens are “Your Country”. In that same mentality, as citizens –  the health and well-being of ALL of our fellow citizens should matter to us. Our “Country” is made up of our citizenship. This is The United States of America not The United Dollars of America. If we are not good stewards of our country’s well being… meaning taking measures to protect our fellow citizen’s stability and well being… than we are no better than the politicians that fail us.

~~~

For me personally, politicians lose points every time they utter the word Republican or Democrat in either negative or positive context… (or any other party label for that matter).  The majority of the voters are out of High School and many citizens have moved beyond the limitation of petty cliques… politicians should too.  Consider this – If you are so wrapped up in constantly representing only half of the demographic, then you aren’t worth supporting because you are only interested in doing half of the job. The actual job description entails you represent America… not just a slice of it.  In reality we are more than just “red states” or “blue states”. This isn’t supposed to be a gang war. If you are not willing to represent us as a whole, then you are the one being unpatriotic.

In order to do a good job would mean that you would have to actually thoughtfully converse with those of different impressions than you. Its pretty simple to draw crowds and gain applause from those who agree with you, but an elected official has to be more than that.  In the real world finding truth is not always such a simple matter. Its not always so cut and dry that a single view can be totally right. Differing perspectives and point of views do deserve consideration, and the more you actually take into account different viewpoints, the better equipped you become at finding what is the actual more complete version of the truth.

This image might explain it better than words. Not sure who made this image originally, but it illustrates the point quite nicely.

TruthIs

Hard decisions will need to be made for a greater good. A greater good that benefits more than just your pocket book.  One that actually looks toward a future with healthy, renewable and stable practices. Pushing us towards that goal should be a priority.

~~~

Talk is cheap and flowery words mean next to nothing.

Politicians, If you are not able to present your actual plan of action when it comes to issues that affect our citizens, then you are not worth our support. If logic and science and credible unbiased sources is not taken seriously in formulating your plans, then you will not be taken seriously  when casting my vote. Having faith is great and all… but you aren’t God. You cannot work miracles, so actual facts and cooperation will need to be involved in the manifestation of “your will”.  No matter your personal faith – gravity and physics plainly still exist, ignoring them will not make them go away, nor make them any less real. If you truly believe that your God created all, then you therefore understand that God then created science to be a real “thing” for man to work with, a tool so that we can be better stewards of this world. To not use the tools God gave us is irresponsible. He gave us the capacity to learn for a reason. Had he wanted to limit our potential, he would have dismissed the idea of free will.

~~~

Before you jump on the bashing “Politically Correctness” train, just remember that in reality there is a real difference between being civil and showing respect through grace, and plain being “weak”.  In truth, it takes far more strength in personal character and resilience to engage in a civil and respectful debate with someone you don’t agree with, than it does to lay blame, demonize, or make derogatory statements about them or their point-of-view, or any other label attribute you affix to them.

People may applaud your “unbridled honesty” in stating your less than tactful opinions, but remember that even Hitler had people applauding him. There is an actual balance that needs maintained, and its far easier to achieve when you don’t get petty. It really is ok to have a different opinion, what matters most is that you are willing to at least have the conversation and try to understand the other side, and that you are willing to work together anyway. A wider understanding is always preferable than focusing intently on your own viewpoint. Don’t miss the forest for the trees.

In honesty, taking offense is a personal choice Yes… However, being totally oblivious to others feelings or positions is not something to be celebrated, and is really not a useful trait of someone elected to represent a diverse group of people. Simply saying whatever, whenever because you can, doesn’t make you impressive. Calling names, or putting down a person because you don’t agree with their point of view, their origins, or what they look like is childish.

State your opinion… fine.. but do so in a way that you aren’t being a tacky “Mean Girls” star.

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Listened to disagreement regarding some frustrations about what all goes into simply getting on a plane these days.  It wasn’t my argument, but it did make me think a little.

My observations was… that like with most things, even the gun control stuff I’ve harped on over the last two weeks, its important to remember that the initial implementation is generally out of a desire for good, before it gets taken over board or exploited. We can never know what airline tragedies has been prevented by their sometimes “annoying” processes, just like if deeper gun control background checks get implemented… we will never know what tragedies were prevented there.. and that could be the point.

Could there be better processes?

Most likely….  we must always look to improve what we have, but at the same time we should give value to the fact that most processes weren’t made up just with the intention of simply hurting personal rights or trying to offend, they came about because something pretty hefty happened.

In the end I think the lesson is that it is always tricky balancing personal rights and public protection. Us living with others requires us have to take other peoples rights and safety into consideration, not just our own.

Any sound and decent process will be a balance of the two, meaning that there will be give and take involved for both sides.  Too much emphasis on either side is detrimental. It has to be a sensible balance of the two.

If we care for what is best for all,  it needs to be that balance that we desire to find.

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This is a facebook post put up by a very good friend of mine. The pictures are taken from people who picketed the streets when President Obama came to Roseburg today.  Notice for a second the subject matter of their signs.. not exactly things that have to do with the slaying of those 9 individuals killed last week.

… and Obama is being the one accused of “using the event” to promote his own agenda?

*shakes head*

facebookpost

I definitely concur with my friend’s frustration.

It is embarrassing and incredibly sad. This attitude that its “offensive” for him to meet with the families is ridiculous. The way normal people get to know what other people are going through is to reach out and communicate with them. If we want elected officials to remain in touch with what “normal” citizens are going through, its pretty important that such interactions occur. To question why these interactions should occur is plain nonsense. These families should have this opportunity to let the President know directly what they think and feel about what has happened. If they disagree with him.. then it becomes an even better opportunity to be heard by him right?

Lets be logical.

The Presidency is a political office. It is part of a President’s specific job to help develop federal policies that govern our nation. People being “offended” that a President would speak about something terrible that happened in our country, or would want to work on developing federal policies or want to encourage things that in his mind that would improve the existing policies that we have is kind of ludicrous. Its like they either don’t understand what his job is, or more likely – they are so blinded by their own political bias and practice of demonizing all that don’t agree with them, that it somehow becomes “justified” to be “offended” over him bringing up something to be discussed.

Our nation and these families don’t need our personal political “BS” opinions right now. Put down your pitchforks. Let them grieve, let them have their communication with the President who was willing to come see them. They don’t need us interjecting. Regardless what you “assume” his motives are, its kind of dumb to deny them their chance to be heard.

He stated he wanted to encourage conversations on the topic. That is part of supporting democracy. Instead of being afraid, maybe write up your well formulated point of view and actually send it off to your congress person like the President suggested. He suggested that to all citizens, not just those that “agreed” with him. Lets get over trying to demonize every step. Civil debate is needed to keep our rights and freedoms safe. Him expressing his desire for actual conversations and action to happen to minimize the occurrence of these tragedies is not offensive to those who actually care about our nations health and future.

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Dangerous Perceptions

I heard someone actually say that we wouldn’t have these issues if everyone carried a gun…. If more guns were carried by more individuals in public places….. and they were serious.

For the second time this week, I thought of a comic to show the problem with that logic. In the end, even the most good natured / virtuous / heroic people respond purely based on their limited perception. We are only human.. we all can make mistakes, especially when we don’t have all the information available.. things can look quite different than what is truth.. and anyone can make that mistake.

No.. I don’t think this issue can be resolved so simply… this isn’t a matter of just having everyone “armed and ready”, its not a matter of having all guns banned. Its not even completely about guns.. mental health management plays a part, as does plain encouraging our young to love and appreciate life, and be caring towards others.  NO… there is no easy answer.. but its important that we don’t just let this get ignored.

There are multiple things that lead into these tragedies.. we need to be willing to talk about EVERY SINGLE ASPECT involved with this.  Its dangerous for us to perceive that any real answer would be that simple… and its dangerous for us to give up on wanting change to happen before it can even begin. We should care enough to want to try to make better tomorrows.

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Made a mistake and logged into facebook this morning just to check out what was going on.  It gets frustrating sometimes how apathetic and stagnant people are. Its disheartening.

You see all these memes with the same old positions.. and people simply don’t desire resolution if it requires putting any effort into it at all. They really don’t want to even have the conversation.

Talking? What?  Discussing? Seriously? No way that anything outside of the way we’ve always done it could possibly work….Its obviously unpatriotic to suggest things should change…..  Obviously anyone wanting to think about new methods means that they don’t value the “sanctity” of what our forefathers worked for.. This is America!  Things don’t need improving, people need improving..   What? support programs that would encourage healthy improvement in everyday people’s lives?…  Support mental health?… surely that will cost too much.. those people should get a job and stop leeching it from the government..  those are my tax dollars at work…

all.. thirty-seven… dollars of it…><

Its always someone elses responsibility, but if “someone else” offers up a thought that requires people to lift a finger….. or even open their heart and mind to talking about or thinking something from a different viewpoint.. that seems to be too much. It seems that its simply too hard to be open minded for many. Its too difficult to think outside of the way “we’ve always known”, and entertain the idea that there may be actual ways to work through issues that could be better than what we’ve “always done”…but no.. nothing outside of “what I believe” could possibly work.

I had this idea for a comic.. and originally I was going to try and draw it, but I found a website that would let me build it instead.

This is how I kinda feel about people and their recent responses at the moment..

Priorities

They seem to rather kiss their guns goodnight, than to be involved in engaging in having any kind of level headed conversations. Content to believe that everything is so black and white, seeming to believe that its all or nothing.. that the only adjustment that could possibly be made would have to obviously mean “taking them all away”…

To be honest I’m rather disappointed in people. Apathy continues to slow us from improving as a species. Why do we choose to remain so simple minded? Is it really that hard to have a civil conversation in order to seek improved solutions?

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