Category Archives: Thoughts of Today

Life Lesson – lets hope I remember it


Had my first appointment today with my counselor to try and get this (whatever this is) dealt with.

Observation.
My life lesson learned today – Even when you push uncomfortable things to the side to focus on “more important” things.. those hurts and thoughts from events don’t go away no matter how long you ignore them, or how long you choose to focus elsewhere. They remain unprocessed and undealt with until you actively do something with them. At some point there will be a tipping point, where it catches up to you because you’ve used up all the space you can stuff things. You may feel like you’ve escaped, because time and/or distance has passed.. but you won’t have… not until you breakdown and do the work of processing those emotions.

It’s Interesting. Never thought of myself as “textbook” but apparently.. in some regards I am.. but on the bright side.. my struggles are apparently within reason and totally sane.

honesty about anxiety..

There are days when I see others so comfortable in their skin, and able to feel a joy that envelopes their whole being. One that is so visibly understood to behold…. One that isn’t instantly spoiled by worries and realities that creep in about whats next. I hope someday I can find and embrace that. To have the feeling last a bit longer would be so nice.. Honestly its  those small moments that I actually get those few precious seconds, that’s where I can occasionally feel real, or alive.  I’d like more of it. 

I have family members that deal with anxiety, and sometimes I have a hard time understanding it, thinking that I don’t have that issue. Truth is though that isn’t correct because for me claim I don’t have anxiety is laughable. The reality is that the anxiety I have pushes different reactions than what some family members experience.

I have a few family members where their anxiety petrifies them. Keeps them where they are and has the tendency to leave them immobile, unable to process or move.

I realized today that my anxiety just takes a different form. Mine pushes me to run… not to run away in any literal sense, but rather more of a “pedal to the metal” type reaction where its more like I’m too scared to stop working towards something. To scared to become stuck where I’m not growing, or learning in some way.  Worried I’ve not done enough, worried I’m not enough… I’m more afraid to stop… because if I do, I might get trapped in some bad situation, and then it could be possible that I no longer have the energy to escape it. 

Momentum… velocity right… keep on keeping on… right?

The trouble is,  pretty often I forget to actually let myself enjoy, and sometimes I feel like I forget how to enjoy in the first place. I know sometimes I should be more excited and revel in the moment, but the truth is that when those time finally arrive… generally at  that point I’m already on to thinking about how to resolve the next thing…  Internally… I’m no longer even in that moment, I’ve already left before the celebration could even be had.  

Painfully honest

There are times when I’m in the most pain, that I become pretty angry at my parents for having me in the first place, and then for subjecting my siblings and I to the environment we were brought up in… all in a desire to acquire free farm labor. Two of the four surviving ended up with certain neurological issues, one un-diagnosed but understood, and me with the MS.

To give them the most benefit, I could chalk it up to being young and stupid, though, they weren’t all that young, one knew they didn’t want children and had them anyway, because the other wanted labor and to grant that one the excuse of stupidity seems to give them too much of an excuse.

But in the end the anger doesn’t help. I’m here now regardless, I’m hurting now regardless, and no amount of frustration or even blame or responsibility thrown in their direction will change anything.  The past cannot be altered. The anger only serves to magnify what I don’t want right now.. the hurt.

Without knowing the future, without understanding what they put us through – which will likely always be beyond them, they might not have made the same decisions… but who knows.. they still might of… In the end it matters little, because now is now, and that is all I have to work with. Now is all that is in my current control.

I will choose to figure out how to minimize it now, how to calm my soul and how to rework my being to find what is the best possible, that allows me to come back stronger.

The precious pearl (a poem by Serina)

Pearls to me are always associated with wisdom and truth. In thinking of how some don’t understand love without the presence of attachment, a visual of a pearl being present in someone’s heart came to mind, and it inspired this poem of mine.
—————————

The Precious Pearl

There is a precious pearl..
that resides deep within my heart
It started as a grain of sand
and all it does is grow

But now it is sleek and smooth
with no defects or strings attached
It is there for you…. whenever you want
Though I don’t believe it will ever find that path

It is yours in entirety..
though I don’t believe you understand
I don’t see it leaving me
nor ever reaching your hand

I cannot bear to drop it
or leave it on the ground
I had tried to do so in the past,
but the hole it left was too profound

So I keep it safe and warm
and hide it deep inside
There is truth and beauty in its form
and an internal strength that it serves to remind

Some things don’t need to be understood by others
to validate their existence
there is resolve, in that it remains intact
despite no expected reciprocation

That seems to only increase its value
and make it known to me
that its truth is plain stronger
than that of what is normally

So this pearl I will harbor
and smile quietly
Even though I know
that full understanding will never be

You plain may never be ready..
nor able to correctly understand
No rocking of your boat is needed
at least not at all by me….

Smooth sailing is my wish for you
No matter how far away from me that path may lead…

~ Serina Clason 1/5/2020

a decent friend…

I heard a quote today

“One decent friend is worth more than a hundred mediocre relatives”

I have to say I wholeheartedly agree on that point. There is nothing that feels quite as pleasant as getting to spend some time with someone who’s energy you plain enjoy and who allows you to relax and actually feel comfortable being yourself.  Someone whose energy seems to build up your spirit rather than deplete it. Those people are a rare find, and they are worth the world!

Not saying you can’t find that kind of relationship with family members, but it definitely isn’t  as much of a “guaranteed” thing as we are initially led to believe when it comes to family.

In the end its not actually the similarities of your blood that make the strongest bonds… it ends up being the complementary effects of two different people’s energy and how much synergy is found that is the most rewarding.

 

Grieving for the magic…

Have you ever just been in awe and amazed at some presentation of magic and it filled you heart with joy and wonder. Its surprise entertains you and keeps you amazed, to the point you think about it long after seeing it.  Then at some point, your curiosity just can’t be satiated and you look it up to find out how that amazing thing could possibly have been done. You discover the secret which is great in that you now know a bit more, and understand things a little more outside of the box… but that sense of wonder you once had, simply fades away with the knowledge about it.

I’ve never been able to push aside my curiosity when it came to things like that. I value knowing, and possibly being able to be a little more level-headed about certain things BECAUSE my curiosity pushed me…   I value knowledge,  I value understanding, and it is important to me, and part of me at my core……  and yet..

Its hard to admit, but sometimes I really miss the magic. Sometimes I miss the joy and comfort in citing something wondrous and allowing faith in the mysterious as being a credible reason for things occurring.

Mostly I miss the sense of comfort, and hope generated by being able to just believe that a wish or prayer impacted anything…

It can be gut wrenching when all I have to offer is words…. knowing full well that even the things I wish for others can feel so meaningless to say as I often don’t have the power to truly force anything positive to happen for them. I struggle in believing that things will just work out for the good… just because they will, because in my experience, that is not the story that my dealings with people keeps repeating.

Hope can be rather elusive at times, but in the end I think its our actual choices that shape the majority of our lives, rather than some “Fate” or “Plan” worked out by someone else.

It may have been far easier when I was younger and was more optimistic than realistic.  I miss those days.  I miss feeling inspired and really only desiring to inspire others, and thinking I could. Truth is that you can’t inspire those who aren’t willing to be inspired in the first place.

It got to a point where it became difficult to trust in things so unknown, once the repeated patterns and tendencies in the known world became so laid bare.  Not saying that pleasant surprises don’t happen… because they truly do…  I’m just saying that it isn’t something that I feel can be relied upon to just occur.  Reality tells me that bad things just happen.. and its always our choice with what we do with the situation at hand.  We steer our own lives, and that is a lot of responsibility that many can’t or don’t seem to want to accept.  Things aren’t black and white, we don’t actually have to take the standard path, we don’t have to stop looking for something better, and sometimes we do have to just do things we aren’t excited about and go through discomfort in order to reach the goals we have. Its on us to keep at it and not allow ourselves to stay in those dark patches. This is my truth.

But… coming to that conclusion, it sure makes things more difficult at times to ever go back to finding that simplified joy of being amazed, and really just trusting that the world or the mysterious would just work things out FOR us… just because it “should”.

Work out DESPITE us—yes – that I can see because something will happen regardless… and inaction is a choice… even if we don’t like to admit it.  But,  I have lost my trust that it will simply work out for the greater good if we are always just leaving it up to miracles and chance… leaving things to thoughts and prayers.

That said… it is a  truth that I do feel it heavily right now.

Sometimes I do just simply miss the magic  and am a bit envious of those who have faith and find actual comfort in believing that things will just turn out good “in the end” because something or someone else will take care of it. It was definitely far easier… and allowed me feel ok about resting more.

I at times wish I could be convinced of this easier path, and way of looking at things…  especially during those times when I become so tired.

But… this too shall pass.. and things will change… If I really do put some effort into changing them.. there is some hope to be found in there.

 

The trinket…. (a poem)

A cherished trinket, encased in glass
Put a top a cabinet for safe keeping
Unable to be touched
Visible but not allowed to be fully understood

There is danger in holding it
Danger in allowing it to be examined too long.
Manageable as an inspiration reminder only
Bittersweet safety is found in it’s distance

Needing to be left in its place
With any imagined expectations
relating to a future
…. stunted.

It is a beacon of smiles… joy and hope
yet be cautious of the comfort found in it
Despite its presence
It is actually completely free of you

Do not think of it too often
Be cautious of the path the mind winds through regarding it
Because to actually hold it would likely mean to lose it
For it to slip between your fingers… to be broken and lost forever

Precious beyond measure
Holding within it symbolism of the heart
Memories, yearning, and care
Forever held in the heart but never to be held in the hand

Enjoy instead the moments experienced here and there…
But understand that nothing is promised for it to continue..
It can be gone at anytime, as nothing is really yours
And at some point… you will be required go on without it.

~ by Serina 2/27/19

some days….

Some days all you really need is to feel a little less alone in the world.

Some days you really need a time out… to think through things.

It occurs to me that people forget that we really aren’t born all-knowing. Its not like we start out understanding things very well. Our parents and teachers as we grow start off by teaching us simplified versions of things. We learn the alphabet, we learn numbers, we learn colors, we learn basics, we learn their beliefs. Then from there we pull in more information as we go along, growing our knowledge to become usable.

I find it interesting, that some are so unwilling to continue to grow past there. The world if full of different tints and hues of a vast rainbow of colors, yet in many instances, we choose to only consider things in black and white, and struggle with anything more. We were supposed to continue to grow, to learn and understand the bigger picture, yet many are very content to remain in such simplified terms, only taking into considerations the experiences they already know, or have already impacted them personally.

Why are humans so often so content to just remain so stagnant? It feels like so much work to get people to be willing to think outside of themselves.

Why are humans so bound by pride in not expanding themselves to understand more? I truly don’t understand.

The smaller pictures are easy.. and humans are lazy creatures.  Often not looking for anything further until they are made uncomfortable.

Maybe that is what it is right there… maybe only some of us are uncomfortable all the time. Some of us actually are empathetic enough to actually feel the impact of points that others make from a different point of view, so its not as easily ignored or disregarded.

Maybe some of us feel so alone in this world because it doesn’t seem like others care… Not because they necessarily don’t, but maybe its more the observed ability in others to so easily disregard thoughts and struggles of others,  just because it doesn’t fit with their simplified views and understandings of the world.

To someone empathetic, its hard sometimes to just realize others plain don’t “feel” others pain too. Empathetic people don’t realize that they are able understand a bit more, because their nature keeps them uncomfortable. Always questioning, always learning other perceptions and view without as much effort as others. You are naturally inundated by it constantly and so you can’t escape it. You have to come to terms with it, and not let the fact that in this day and age its harder to find interlocutors who are willing to think through things or that have solid reasons behind their beliefs and actions.

Empathetic people as a survival mechanism have to separate the emotional responses to pain from the reasonable responses to pain, and focus mostly upon trying to resolve the issue. Resolving the needs to take precedent over staunch personal pride in their own initial beliefs.

 

 

 

 

“Maintenance Mode” – A tired confession

“Maintenance Mode” – A tired confession

Sometimes you run because you have to. Because if you don’t then the worries you’ve been unable to deal with are able to catch up, and it kills you to let them. They eat away at your heart and soul, and you can’t allow that because if you do, there is no safety net. There is no backup support. There is no one else to shoulder this with, so you can’t allow them to catch you. You just keep pushing through, going a day at a time.

Hoping and praying to the universe that it will all be ok if you can push a little longer…. but sometimes you stumble. Sometimes they do catch up, and they overtake you, and unfortunately, they have tonight, so I find myself unable to sleep and hopelessly in tears in front of my computer.  Typing away to try and relieve myself of some of this pressure. Desperately wishing to get these feelings off of me….. to lay them somewhere else, because I’m already tired, but I still have to work in the morning.

Tomorrow my eyes will be puffy, and I will once again likely blame allergies to people who care to ask why I’m a bit puffy, and I’ll feel bad to do that but the alternative is to explain too many things that they weren’t really in the position, nor wanting to hear in the first place… besides, the last thing I want or need is sympathy, because all it does is compound how inept I feel at not being able to manage and take care of those around me let alone myself.

How expensive peace of mind seems to be, and how odd it is that people are so opinionated on whether someone else “deserves” it or not. I sometimes wonder what it is you have to do to “earn” it? I’m at this point able to work full time and push through everything, but I still am not able to afford it. Its all I can do to keep this family of mine going in maintenance mode. Where just enough is taken care of to keep them fed, housed, and clothed, but not much more.

Deon’s troubles with Fibromyalgia and the chronic inflammation issues keep piling up. He falls more than twice a week, thankfully able to get himself back up after a bit… but what do I do when that is not the case? His medicines keep getting added to, and like me, only seem to be able to keep him in a maintenance mode… to where it keeps him somewhat stable-ish, but doesn’t resolve the pain or the issues he’s experiencing, just minimizes them.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful, and he is too, but it does get to him, and makes him chaotic and emotional, which makes him question everything, and I have no answers…. none at all. He should be going to specialists that we’ve been referred to, but honestly, they haven’t been helpful in the past, and at this point in “maintenance mode” there really isn’t the money to spend on things that don’t help. This sounds horrible of me to say, but I can’t afford it at the moment to continue to see Doctors who nickel and dime you without giving direction nor actual assistance.

My youngest son used to be a catcher for his baseball team. Now he mainly catches anything and every sickness possible. He gets the flu, or a cold so often that we got a letter from the “dropout” specialist warning us that we were reported to them because he has missed so many days. Luckily he is a self-driven student and he catches up in his classes pretty quickly, and once the teachers get around to grading everything, he is still somehow on honor roll. I’m not exactly sure what they want us to do.. send him in sick so he can infect others?  It usually takes a day or two and then he shakes it off, so we haven’t even been making Doctor appointments for him, we tend to wait a day or two… which drives me crazy with worry, yet I know “it will probably be alright”, so we wait first to see, because if we took him in each time, the co-pays alone would be an actual problem.

My older son, he is on this emotional roller coaster at the moment. It worries me because my coworker just lost her son of the same age to just that. I’m having a hard time getting thru to him, I don’t know that he ever really gets the lessons and coping strategies I’m trying to teach him, he gets caught up in the emotional part and just won’t talk to anyone about anything real. He covers it up with being silly, but I can see he’s actually weighed down internally. No clue if I’m handling things with him right or not, he’s so different from my other two. I would like to get him in to see a counselor and have them talk to him and give me any possible hints as to what I could do differently, because I don’t feel like what I’m doing is working, and I’ve not got much time left with him really. Not because I think he would do anything (course my coworker never thought it either), but mainly because he is going to be eighteen this year and released on the world, and I just hope he has the tools to grow the rest of the way and cope in a healthy way with what the world is.

When it comes to me, the truth is… I’m tired, and I hurt, and I’m kinda tired of hurting. MS has thrown at me all the off the wall and odd symptoms to which I have to try and weed through if something is serious or not… If I should try and get help, or wait it out in case it simply dissipates with sleep and quiet time or distraction.

I’m up this evening because I have this odd sensation on my neck, ear, and a small spot on the back of my head that the nerves are telling me that they hurt and itch like crazy. No bite that I can find, no odd rash or discoloration at all… yet its bad enough to interrupt my sleep and not let me be able to rest. Stupid I know, and I’ll do what I always do, but I worry. At some point, my normal measures may not be a “good enough” option.

I actually had to say no to my Daughter’s Mother’s Day offer of getting me a massage, because at the moment the skin on the left side plain hurts to be touched by anything other than clothes. I have to keep covered to find relief which makes the 96 degrees Fahrenheit days we’ve been having kind of tricky.  I wouldn’t have been able to handle it right now while this is going on.

Truth is that I’ve not even seen a neurologist in the past four years. I was referred to one last year, and they said they’d call me in six months and that was roughly eight months ago. I should be diligent… I should be advocating to get a new one as soon as possible. The reality is though that everytime I get one, they make me do tests that take three years to pay off, and they get nothing helpful out of them. They just tell me what I already know by simply living my life. That I’m decently stable compared to others with MS, and that if I want, I could go on medicines, but all it would do is play decoy to distract from other inflammation in my system, and “possibly” cause me to have “less” symptoms “IF” the MS was acting up. Not a sure thing though, kind of a gamble… oh and a side effect is feeling like you have the flu every day. I’ve been there, I’ve done that, it isn’t worth the gamble when at the moment I seem to be able to rest to minimize things… course I can’t rest right now. ><

It makes me question myself to always be in this “maintenance mode” of limping along… pushing a “little longer’… hoping that the universe allows issues with those I take care of, and with me to “just work out eventually.” till I get to the point where I actually can get things resolved.

In every other area of my life, I’m so pro-active. I plan, I figure out ways to resolve it now, adapt or move on… in order to keep going.

In this health care taking aspect, I seem to fail to be able to have that same nature and it’s really getting to me.

I should be getting Deon to a specialist to see what else could be done. I should be taking my youngest in more often to the Doctor so that we can figure out why he’s so susceptible to picking up sicknesses, and figuring out how we can help that. I should be getting my older son to a counselor so that he has someone to talk to since he can’t seem to open up to me without me constantly prying at him. I should not be waiting to get back under someone’s care for this MS….. but, in the world, we live in, that all requires money which I have just enough to just keep us getting by in this  “maintenance mode.”

All this talk about healthcare in the government right now, and honestly they are simpletons and nowhere near resolving this when the main priority they seem to focus on is on the existence of plans you could buy into, instead of the affordability of care needed in the first place. I have insurance, but right now it does me little good because I only end up being able to afford the occasional “maintenance” visits, but nothing further.

But it is what it is… and I’ll keep going as long as I can. I have work in two hours now …. it’s going to be a long day.

Admitting frustration relieves a bit of this, so maybe now I can shake it off, just hope the universe is kind in the level of severity it presents us with, and I’ll begin my run again.

I don’t run because I’m scared, because truly if the resources were there I’d be all over all of these things rather than doing a little for this one now, and a little for another next payday and so on.   I don’t think I run and try to avoid focusing too intently on these worries because I’m scared… I think I run in the hopes that I’ll reach a point where I’ll find what I need in order to just deal with them head on.

Hopefully, after getting this out I’ll be lighter and able to be faster than the worries for a bit. Hopefully, they won’t catch me and consume me again this way again for a little while longer. It’s time to go maintain this life as best I can… now… where were those running shoes?