Numbness all around… too much dedicated focus… and not enough

Numbness is something that is commonly on my mind, but recently it’s kind of entered multiple levels of thought for me.

Physically, MS has decided to make all the skin on my left side be a bit messed up. I feel, or rather sometimes don’t fully feel things on that side. Mostly its like that side lives in a glove that at different intervals dulls, or sharpens, or delays what my skin can sense. I’ve actually burnt myself a few times now because it has taken longer for the sensation of heat to reach my brain. I have a nice new splatter burn mark on my chest from the abrupt reaction I had once the feeling reached where it was identified. Probably something I’ll have for awhile, and a reminder that it actually isn’t wise to probably be wearing a tank top when cooking food. ><

I don’t know what to think or feel about this, It definitely has days that is better and worse, and they fluctuate, but I feel like the damage is done, and “normal” feeling won’t likely ever be quite the same, nor all that near to what it had been.

The fear as to what that means going forward, honestly affects me mentally sometimes. For the longest time, the most helpful thing for me was that of minimizing inflammation, coupled with a “bit” of distraction therapy. I do realize that isn’t always the best solution, but it is something that helps me cope.

There have honestly already been times when I’ve allowed myself to get so mentally focused on projects, or work, that when I’m done, its like I forgot that I had any issue. I’ll try to do something physical, and be sharply reminded that I have limits. This is a bit of a painful hit on my pride. When you’ve grown up as a “do-er” who doesn’t bother waiting for someone else to come help with something… (mostly because you couldn’t rely on anyone to feel that what you personally wanted or needed was at all important). To not always just be able to do everything anymore, it sometimes makes me upset, but I really don’t dare to allow myself to think too hard or long on it. It hurts my soul to have a piece of yourself, your way of life, not be in your power anymore, but regardless of how it makes me feel.. I still have to make peace with it and figure out something else that I am actually able to accomplish.

I suppose that sounds bad… like I’m a control freak or something, but the thing is it has nothing to do with anyone else. Its all a disappointment in myself I sometimes have a hard time with. When your value had growing up been tied to “what you could do for others” it is kind of hard sometimes to shake it, even though you “know better”… but its like this silent presence sitting in the background always there, even though you tell yourself it shouldn’t be there.

So that all escalated into more than I meant to share…

Originally I came here with the thought to talk about a whole other topic… I wanted to talk about a observation I had.

Growing up, we were told that no one was perfect, and that no ones life is truly ever problem-free. I know this, and yet as I grow older, I just seem to notice more and more pain and unrest in those around me both young and old. To the point where I’m questioning if its always been to this extent for everyone before – just in a more behind closed doors type situation… or if things have changed to where the current state of life is plain offering less hope for people to latch onto and people are suffering more?

I guess it could be just more noticeable because the current world has never been more willing to outwardly share their anxiety and pain that they are going through. They’ve never been more willing to share everything they think and feel unscripted and raw. I see lots of discussions (which can be helpful for growth and healing) but at the same time there is also a lot of ruminations and dramatics on some things where headway is not being made because we dwell too long, or give ourselves the luxury of being angry instead of being productive. It is no longer that people at all seem to worry about how something makes them seem, or the impressions they give. Which I guess in a way is good, but I can’t help but think it can also be bad too.

I see more suffering and pain at a time where things really should have been so much better. I feel like people are caught up in themselves, their pain, and their fear and anger and not enough in what is best outside of themselves.

I know that when I focus too much on my hurts, my failures, my issues… its really not good for me mentally, and really gets me down. I desperately need the distraction of caring about others, but at the same time I still need to balance it all, and be able to release myself from being too involved in their dramas and daily needs too. To prevent myself in going too far down someone else’s rabbit hole. Its not easy, and I’m honestly at such an odd space right now, and I can’t help but feel like we all are. We all feel too much and are all so numb at the same time.

Like with my MS, the desire to return to a normal that is rather unlikely to return, does us less good to focus on than we think. At some point, I think in the interest of the health of the world and those that inhabit it, that we actually need to figure out how to deal with what is reality right now, and figure out something that will allow us to form a few more positives towards what can be a new normal, since that no matter how we want to fight it…… something altered is what we will end up having to work with. It will be different no matter how much we want to distract ourselves from the truth.

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