Category Archives: Family

Both “minds”… and I still cannot fathom

My logical mind expresses it this way:

IF your “morals” place unequivocal priority on an unexpressed life, then what value is your opinion really when that same value you have assigned that unexpressed life shrivels up the second it becomes an expressed life?

At that point they get touted as “someone else’s” responsibility, so why should you have to participate in anything regarding their actual continued support.

Your “opinion” on how the the lives of others should be shaped is worthless if once they are actually here, you no longer value or invest in their quality of life. Who are you to enforce your will over another’s personal choice… If you have no interest in supporting the reprecussions of the choice you are wanting enforced.

Herein lies my inability to give your opinion merit, if in reality you don’t care about helping that life’s potential be realized, your brain stops short of thinking through what all is actually needed for a new life to flourish.

My emotional mind expresses it this way:
I’m honestly so disappointed in our country, and this desire to backpedal. Abortion is NOT a simple topic, and treating it like it is a one-size-fits-all scenario, is absolutely pathetic, and a blatant indication of how little people actually know.

This isn’t even a thing I’ve had to personally deal with, but through the years what little I’ve been made aware of has been real-life situations where actual friends had to make the gut-wrenching choice to go through with it because of actual real-life pregnancy complication. To think of future women being stripped of the choice to have the care they need if those situations arise, or to think about the situation being held against them if someone unrelated somewhere decides to take an issue with the decision made……is thoroughly depressing.

Wither you like it or not, this opens a can of worms that people obviously aren’t really thinking through if they are celebrating this decision.

And here we are again…

Roe vs Wade…. really… this is something you think is important to overturn right now…. This is what you want to focus on?

The amount that this country wishes to backpedal is astounding sometimes. Its alarming how people who are supposed to be learned individuals, are so obviously not. History is not something they consult, data is being ignored and they are blatantly choosing not to learn from things our country had already experienced.. had already realized. We’ve been down these roads in the past.

I’ve lucked out, and never had to make that kind of choice, but I’m not dumb enough to believe that this kind of choice should be anyone’s but the individual involved. Your opinion on how others “should” live, should never outweigh the people who are actually living it….. especially when the reality in these scenarios is that you get the privilege to continue to stand on your pulpit, without ever having to actually deal with any of the consequences, nor lift a finger to help someone who is forced into the consequences of “your decision” for their life, all based on your personal faith, or lack of faith in people to be given the freedom of their own decisions, when it comes to such a personal matter.

Frustrating observation

The frustrating thing about being human… is that some are not allowed to be human…. and everyone seems to own some biased opinion on some other group’s value.

Humans are resistant to updating their bias, even when they meet someone of that group that doesn’t fit their bias belief about that group.. they’d rather keep the bias and just say “well — that particular one is just ok “

They’d rather not update their thoughts or beliefs, despite being proven wrong on their own court. Its an obnoxious tendency.

Numbness all around… too much dedicated focus… and not enough

Numbness is something that is commonly on my mind, but recently it’s kind of entered multiple levels of thought for me.

Physically, MS has decided to make all the skin on my left side be a bit messed up. I feel, or rather sometimes don’t fully feel things on that side. Mostly its like that side lives in a glove that at different intervals dulls, or sharpens, or delays what my skin can sense. I’ve actually burnt myself a few times now because it has taken longer for the sensation of heat to reach my brain. I have a nice new splatter burn mark on my chest from the abrupt reaction I had once the feeling reached where it was identified. Probably something I’ll have for awhile, and a reminder that it actually isn’t wise to probably be wearing a tank top when cooking food. ><

I don’t know what to think or feel about this, It definitely has days that is better and worse, and they fluctuate, but I feel like the damage is done, and “normal” feeling won’t likely ever be quite the same, nor all that near to what it had been.

The fear as to what that means going forward, honestly affects me mentally sometimes. For the longest time, the most helpful thing for me was that of minimizing inflammation, coupled with a “bit” of distraction therapy. I do realize that isn’t always the best solution, but it is something that helps me cope.

There have honestly already been times when I’ve allowed myself to get so mentally focused on projects, or work, that when I’m done, its like I forgot that I had any issue. I’ll try to do something physical, and be sharply reminded that I have limits. This is a bit of a painful hit on my pride. When you’ve grown up as a “do-er” who doesn’t bother waiting for someone else to come help with something… (mostly because you couldn’t rely on anyone to feel that what you personally wanted or needed was at all important). To not always just be able to do everything anymore, it sometimes makes me upset, but I really don’t dare to allow myself to think too hard or long on it. It hurts my soul to have a piece of yourself, your way of life, not be in your power anymore, but regardless of how it makes me feel.. I still have to make peace with it and figure out something else that I am actually able to accomplish.

I suppose that sounds bad… like I’m a control freak or something, but the thing is it has nothing to do with anyone else. Its all a disappointment in myself I sometimes have a hard time with. When your value had growing up been tied to “what you could do for others” it is kind of hard sometimes to shake it, even though you “know better”… but its like this silent presence sitting in the background always there, even though you tell yourself it shouldn’t be there.

So that all escalated into more than I meant to share…

Originally I came here with the thought to talk about a whole other topic… I wanted to talk about a observation I had.

Growing up, we were told that no one was perfect, and that no ones life is truly ever problem-free. I know this, and yet as I grow older, I just seem to notice more and more pain and unrest in those around me both young and old. To the point where I’m questioning if its always been to this extent for everyone before – just in a more behind closed doors type situation… or if things have changed to where the current state of life is plain offering less hope for people to latch onto and people are suffering more?

I guess it could be just more noticeable because the current world has never been more willing to outwardly share their anxiety and pain that they are going through. They’ve never been more willing to share everything they think and feel unscripted and raw. I see lots of discussions (which can be helpful for growth and healing) but at the same time there is also a lot of ruminations and dramatics on some things where headway is not being made because we dwell too long, or give ourselves the luxury of being angry instead of being productive. It is no longer that people at all seem to worry about how something makes them seem, or the impressions they give. Which I guess in a way is good, but I can’t help but think it can also be bad too.

I see more suffering and pain at a time where things really should have been so much better. I feel like people are caught up in themselves, their pain, and their fear and anger and not enough in what is best outside of themselves.

I know that when I focus too much on my hurts, my failures, my issues… its really not good for me mentally, and really gets me down. I desperately need the distraction of caring about others, but at the same time I still need to balance it all, and be able to release myself from being too involved in their dramas and daily needs too. To prevent myself in going too far down someone else’s rabbit hole. Its not easy, and I’m honestly at such an odd space right now, and I can’t help but feel like we all are. We all feel too much and are all so numb at the same time.

Like with my MS, the desire to return to a normal that is rather unlikely to return, does us less good to focus on than we think. At some point, I think in the interest of the health of the world and those that inhabit it, that we actually need to figure out how to deal with what is reality right now, and figure out something that will allow us to form a few more positives towards what can be a new normal, since that no matter how we want to fight it…… something altered is what we will end up having to work with. It will be different no matter how much we want to distract ourselves from the truth.

Finding solace under the Sycamore Tree…

“The light that makes you cry your first tears…”
The funny… or not so funny thing about youtube, is that one thing can lead into another, then into yet another, then to yet another… the subject matter can be so random.

As I worked today, I started with a funny video that just talked about misc facts. The third video today brought me to absolute tears. Its an insane thing to hear words describe the experience that is your daily life, be expressed so concisely and eloquently on point.

This was the third video I had came across today.. Thank you John Green for expressing this in a way that I’ve struggled to express to even myself, and that I tip-toe around ever trying to express out loud.

Sick with worry

Have you ever been so sick with worry about something that is reasonable to worry about, but that shouldn’t paralyze you to the extent it does? ….. Over something that isn’t your place to have the privilege to worry about to the extent you are.. you know this, but your heart can’t help it?


Nothing is as short-lived as connection, value those moments that happen, but don’t expect they will continue. The only remedy for loneliness is understanding that it will happen and that it is ok. We will all at some point need to comes to terms with ourselves on our own, and I think until we decide to do that., we will be hounded by waves of unhappiness.

Fairy-tales are damaging, in they lead us to expect things will happen just because there is an idea that they “should”. They lead us to believe there is some order out there, that simply doesn’t exist.
The things we accomplish in this life are because we’ve either put forth the effort to push it, or because someone else has on our behalf. Nothing “just happens” or “just simply works out”. Things are initiated or pushed or allowed by the attitudes we support. We are responsible whether we like to believe it or not.

Getting over ourselves.

The beauty of friendship is the safety it provides. The feeling that people see you, the real you beyond what is physical, beyond the things that you can’t change about yourself, and that they accept you as you truly are. Nothing is quite as sobering as learning that a state like that for some can become conditional.

That suddenly things like how you look could play into it if allowed. Not because it actually matters at all, but merely because stereotypes and judgement are so easy of a tool in keeping our own egos appeased. They provide an easy way to justify our own level of personal value, because as long as there is someone to feel superior about, then we are “better”.

To be honest, I tire of human tendencies. I wish others would tire of them too. I really do think the world would be a far better place, if only we could get over ourselves.