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Sometimes you run because you have to. Because if you don’t then the worries you’ve been unable to deal with are able to catch up, and it kills you to let them. They eat away at your heart and soul, and you can’t allow that because if you do, there is no safety net. There is no backup support. There is no one else to shoulder this with, so you can’t allow them to catch you. You just keep pushing through, going a day at a time. Hoping and praying to the universe that it will all be ok if you can push a little longer…. but sometimes you stumble. Sometimes they do catch up, and they overtake you, and unfortunately, they have tonight, so I find myself unable to sleep and in tears in front of my computer. Typing away to try and get these feelings off…. to lay them somewhere else, because I’m already tired, but I still have to work in the morning.

You just keep pushing through, going a day at a time. Hoping and praying to the universe that it will all be ok if you can push a little longer…. but sometimes you stumble. Sometimes they do catch up, and sometimes they overtake you, and unfortunately, they have tonight. This is why I find myself unable to sleep for the last four hours and hopelessly in tears in front of my computer. Typing away to try and relieve myself of some of this pressure. Desperately wishing to get these feelings off of me….. to lay them somewhere else, because I’m already tired, but I still have to work in the morning. Tomorrow my eyes will be puffy, and I will once again likely blame allergies to people who care to ask why I’m a bit puffy, and I’ll feel bad to do that but the alternative is to explain too many things that they weren’t really in the position, nor wanting to hear in the first place… besides, the last thing I want or need is sympathy, because all it does is compound how inept I feel at not being able to manage and take care of those around me let alone myself.

How expensive peace of mind seems to be, and how odd it is that people are so opinionated on whether someone else “deserves” it or not. I sometimes wonder what it is you have to do to “earn” it? I’m at this point able to work full time and push through everything, but I still am not able to afford it. Its all I can do to keep this family of mine going in maintenance mode. Where just enough is taken care of to keep them fed, housed, and clothed, but not much more.

Deon’s troubles with Fibromyalgia and the chronic inflammation issues keep piling up. He falls more than twice a week, thankfully able to get himself back up after a bit… but what do I do when that is not the case? His medicines keep getting added to, and like me, only seem to be able to keep him in a maintenance mode… to where it keeps him somewhat stable-ish, but doesn’t resolve the pain or the issues he’s experiencing, just minimizes them. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful, and he is too, but it does get to him, and makes him chaotic and emotional, which makes him question everything, and I have no answers…. none at all. He should be going to specialists that we’ve been referred to, but honestly, they haven’t been helpful in the past, and at this point in “maintenance mode” there really isn’t the money to spend on things that don’t help. This sounds horrible of me to say, but I can’t afford it at the moment to continue to see Doctors who nickel and dime you without giving direction nor actual assistance.

My youngest son used to be a catcher for his baseball team. Now he mainly catches anything and every sickness possible. He gets the flu, or a cold so often that we got a letter from the “dropout” specialist warning us that we were reported to them because he has missed so many days. Luckily he is a self-driven student and he catches up in his classes pretty quickly, and once the teachers get around to grading everything, he is still somehow on honor roll. I’m not exactly sure what they want us to do.. send him in sick so he can infect others?  It usually takes a day or two and then he shakes it off, so we haven’t even been making Doctor appointments for him, we tend to wait a day or two… which drives me crazy with worry, yet I know “it will probably be alright”, so we wait first to see, because if we took him in each time, the co-pays alone would be an actual problem.

My older son, he is on this emotional roller coaster at the moment. It worries me because my coworker just lost her son of the same age to just that. I’m having a hard time getting thru to him, I don’t know that he ever really gets the lessons and coping strategies I’m trying to teach him, he gets caught up in the emotional part and just won’t talk to anyone about anything real. He covers it up with being silly, but I can see he’s actually weighed down internally. No clue if I’m handling things with him right or not, he’s so different from my other two. I would like to get him in to see a counselor and have them talk to him and give me any possible hints as to what I could do differently, because I don’t feel like what I’m doing is working, and I’ve not got much time left with him really. Not because I think he would do anything (course my coworker never thought it either), but mainly because he is going to be eighteen this year and released on the world, and I just hope he has the tools to grow the rest of the way and cope in a healthy way with what the world is.

When it comes to me, the truth is… I’m tired, and I hurt, and I’m kinda tired of hurting. MS has thrown at me all the off the wall and odd symptoms to which I have to try and weed through if something is serious or not… If I should try and get help, or wait it out in case it simply dissipates with sleep and quiet time or distraction.

I’m up this evening because I have this odd sensation on my neck, ear, and a small spot on the back of my head that the nerves are telling me that they hurt and itch like crazy. No bite that I can find, no odd rash or discoloration at all… yet its bad enough to interrupt my sleep and not let me be able to rest. Stupid I know, and I’ll do what I always do, but I worry. At some point, my normal measures may not be a “good enough” option.

I actually had to say no to my Daughter’s Mother’s Day offer of getting me a massage, because at the moment the skin on the left side plain hurts to be touched by anything other than clothes. I have to keep covered to find relief which makes the 96 degrees Fahrenheit days we’ve been having kind of tricky.  I wouldn’t have been able to handle it right now while this is going on.

Truth is that I’ve not even seen a neurologist in the past four years. I was referred to one last year, and they said they’d call me in six months and that was roughly eight months ago. I should be diligent… I should be advocating to get a new one as soon as possible. The reality is though that everytime I get one, they make me do tests that take three years to pay off, and they get nothing helpful out of them. They just tell me what I already know by simply living my life. That I’m decently stable compared to others with MS, and that if I want, I could go on medicines, but all it would do is play decoy to distract from other inflammation in my system, and “possibly” cause me to have “less” symptoms “IF” the MS was acting up. Not a sure thing though, kind of a gamble… oh and a side effect is feeling like you have the flu every day. I’ve been there, I’ve done that, it isn’t worth the gamble when at the moment I seem to be able to rest to minimize things… course I can’t rest right now. ><

It makes me question myself to always be in this “maintenance mode” of limping along… pushing a “little longer’… hoping that the universe allows issues with those I take care of, and with me to “just work out eventually.” till I get to the point where I actually can get things resolved.

In every other area of my life, I’m so pro-active. I plan, I figure out ways to resolve it now, adapt or move on… in order to keep going.

In this health care taking aspect, I seem to fail to be able to have that same nature and it’s really getting to me.

I should be getting Deon to a specialist to see what else could be done. I should be taking my youngest in more often to the Doctor so that we can figure out why he’s so susceptible to picking up sicknesses, and figuring out how we can help that. I should be getting my older son to a counselor so that he has someone to talk to since he can’t seem to open up to me without me constantly prying at him. I should not be waiting to get back under someone’s care for this MS….. but, in the world, we live in, that all requires money which I have just enough to just keep us getting by in this  “maintenance mode.”

All this talk about healthcare in the government right now, and honestly they are simpletons and nowhere near resolving this when the main priority they seem to focus on is on the existence of plans you could buy into, instead of the affordability of care needed in the first place. I have insurance, but right now it does me little good because I only end up being able to afford the occasional “maintenance” visits, but nothing further.

But it is what it is… and I’ll keep going as long as I can. I have work in two hours now …. it’s going to be a long day.

Admitting frustration relieves a bit of this, so maybe now I can shake it off, just hope the universe is kind in the level of severity it presents us with, and I’ll begin my run again.

I don’t run because I’m scared, because truly if the resources were there I’d be all over all of these things rather than doing a little for this one now, and a little for another next payday and so on.   I don’t think I run and try to avoid focusing too intently on these worries because I’m scared… I think I run in the hopes that I’ll reach a point where I’ll find what I need in order to just deal with them head on.

Hopefully, after getting this out I’ll be lighter and able to be faster than the worries for a bit. Hopefully, they won’t catch me and consume me again this way again for a little while longer. It’s time to go maintain this life as best I can… now… where were those running shoes?

 

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It is very possible that your life could be changed irrevocably by the simple occurrence that that someone didn’t see the instant worth of investing in someone else, who may have in turn then been able to help you when you really needed it.

Currency is the simple man’s understanding of value. It was created as an instant re-compensation for services acquired from people who lived outside of your community who you could not really barter with, because they might not be around later to repay a favor. Our downfall is not currency actually, because the human action of investing positively is not at all limited to money (no matter what we tell ourselves). Our downfall is our laziness and our impatience to be rewarded for the actions or services we provide others.

Sometimes art makes you think. To quote art.. “Human progress isn’t measured by industry. It’s measured by the value you place on a life. An unimportant life. A life without privilege” -DW

Appreciate…

There are people in this life that are so warm in nature, that the sound of their voice makes your heart melt. The observance of their kindness leaves an impact, making you want to measure up. There are people in this world who you are very lucky to have ever met in chance because they inspire you to grow… to try, even when the challenge seems above your abilities.

Treasure these people as they are the best that human kind has to offer, and they don’t come along that frequently. One of these friends, is worth the entirety of any “friends list” you may have collected.

 

 

Ever notice how very often things are pretty fine until someone begins to feel like they “own” something? Like their thoughts and comfort should outweigh others?

It’s like we start off in a beautiful mental state where we are hopeful and willing to cooperate for a benefit that is so much larger than ourselves but after some time it seems our attitude shifts to self comfort above overall comfort. What causes this?

Its at that point, we form these human constructs of the mind.. things like group supremacy, politics, and ego… all things that are imagined ideas and not actually all that real, yet they are energized into existence by us accepting them and deciding they have merit.

We buy into them out of what? boredom? These formulated ideas don’t tend to help overall, just help specific groups… and we buy in… What kind of world would we have if we plain chose not to?

Maybe “ownership” isn’t where its at, maybe cooperation is… maybe that is why people have such a hard time finding any sort of happiness.. because they are looking for it in the wrong place. Social creatures looking for happiness in individualized focused constructs… it’s just a thought.

Thoughts on PRENDA

RE: Prenatal Nondiscrimination Act(PRENDA) of 2017

H.R.147 – 115th Congress (2017-2018): Prenatal Nondiscrimination Act (PRENDA) of 2017

I totally get the moral high road regarding this, yet when it comes to being opinionated over abortion over all, I really don’t feel like it is my place to decide for someone else. Yes of course one would hope that these reasons would never be the “reasons” for wanting one, but what frustrates me honestly about this topic is that if it really were the reason for someone somewhere…. then outside people who would never ever be evolved in the development of that child — would rather decide that that child should instead live, but then suffer a lifetime in the environment of an “irresponsible and immoral” mother who didn’t want them but was forced to keep them.. or if they happened to not “keep them” then have those children live under the state and hope that they get adopted or something.

People seem to want to focus so intently on “abortion” itself because its a hot debate, yet no one seems to want to talk seriously about focusing instead on the things that could alleviate it in the first place. Laws like this won’t really help anything except make people who get offended that someone else somewhere may want an abortion… feel better because that person they likely don’t know — just “can’t”.

This law honestly is incomplete. Its not good enough. If people are pro-life, there needs to be provisioned better systems, made to be able to take care of these children first. If we aren’t serious about investing in these children’s actual lives, then we have no business being opinionated about the issue.

 

Overheard a conversation today. The homelessness in my area is increasing. The story I overheard was talking about people living in their cars at the local parking garage. People stepping over poop found on the ground nearby.  I listened to them talk about feeling for those people, but at the same time feeling for the other “normal” people who are just trying to work in that area.

I offered the comment that until we change our mentality about “how we help”, that the situation will remain.

Here is my position.

The reality is that we are always going to have people in our society who are either:

#1 Down on their luck / Going through a hard time to where they are unable to make things meet enough to keep  a roof over their head.

#2 Mentally impaired… again to where they are unable to keep things stable for themselves.

These people are always going to exist. If you don’t prepare your community to have situations where they can find help, or be helped, then you will continue to have people “with no place to go” present.  You can outlaw them, making their “being” criminal.. but when you do that, what positive thing are you actually doing?

You aren’t resolving the issue, you are just making it easier for people in better situations to not have to look at, or be as painfully aware that those less fortunate exist. You allow those more fortunate to stay blind to the fact that our societal dealings are not as well rounded and all inclusive as we like to think. That in reality there are whole groups of people whose sufferings, and in some cases, entire lives are being ignored. Devalued, because “they should try” to do better. We seem so free with our the “ought” judgments, but less able to handle admitting the root of real problems.

If you are not adamant at dealing with the reality of what is the root of a problem is, no matter how inconvenient or uncomfortable, then in my view your complaint has lost its credibility.

If your response is “they should just get a job”, or “they should be more responsible” then that to me means you have not investigated this issue enough. For some of these people, even those answers are either temporarily or permanently  beyond their capacity, and we can’t just pretend that people who are afflicted with with those issue don’t ever exist.

The reality is that the fact that they are collecting in public places trying to survive, simply means that it is an issue we have to dig deeper into as a society.

I beg the question. Who does homelessness really reflect badly on? Is it the people who are experiencing a current opportunity loss in taking care of themselves, or the society that allows it to happen, and encourages it to remain “out of sight?”

Symptoms of issues are just signs calling you to action. If you choose to ignore their pleas, you shouldn’t expect change or improvement.

The reality is, that if we valued systems that allowed for more self-sufficient and stable “hand up” situations that could help people needing assistance in rebuilding their lives we all would be better off. Things that would be more beneficial in resolving homelessness than by just passing laws saying they can’t sleep or be in a public area or by demonizing them and simply chalking it up to them being a “sub-par” human.

If we cared about public health care availability, to the point where there were places for sick and unstable to go regardless of how much money we could make off of them, then and only then is when we’d see valuable change.

Until we can divorce the meaning of value from being – how can I exploit this situation for my own benefit, to actually mean what healthy and lasting difference can I encourage in this situation.. then we won’t see improvement.

Sometimes issues are harder on us BECAUSE of the simpler ways of thinking we employ.

Two sides of loneliness

loneliness

All in all, I think for the most part, the majority of us are lonely, and most of that loneliness is often self inflicted. Loneliness is ever present, for multiple reasons.

On one end, it has to do with pride and how we see ourselves. After all, the villian in one story is often the hero in another.

Some people seem to find it very difficult to open their minds. Not because they are entirely “awful” or inherently “evil” people, but rather because people are prideful. Self value is such a struggled for and misunderstood aspect. For most people, it’s really a fragile virtue that many look outwardly for justifications to convince themselves that they are a decent human in the first place.

The easiest way for us to do that, is to simply rely on the thought that you are “good” because of the personal beliefs you subscribe to.

This practice is actually pretty unfortunate when you think about it. It leaves us in a bad place. One where the act of having the belief is allowed to have more personal influence on how we see ourselves, than that of our actions or what attitudes we ourselves promote towards others. (both on purpose and inadvertently)

Deciding that “beliefs” makes us good or not, and deciding to vehemently adhere and defend what our current belief system is, actually serves to discourage learning, growth and acceptance. It’s because of our tendency for dichotomic thinking, the ease associated with that contrast, that it seems far too often that anything “different” or beyond what we understand is automatically “bad” or “wrong”. It can be very hard hard for many to let go of that safety net. There is this sense of “nobility” and “pride” to be taken in staunchly sticking up for what you have always believed, but unfortunately that knee-jerk reaction is adverse and contrary to ever learning more, or exploring different understandings of things and growing.

Giving more merit to the initial “belief” then to any exploration of the nuances of a topic is a prideful action.

Because their pride is at stake in their eyes, it becomes a personal attack. It is an attack on their value as a person to for them to think that you would think, that what they believe is not entirely correct, because to them it is part of the definition of their character.

They take it as a head on attack against them personally rather than as what it should be, just questions regarding the topic itself, and they will often do what any animal backed into a corner tends to do… either lash out at the attacker, or try to stop the conversation. Fight or Flight. If your feelings are hurt over someone having the audacity to disagree with you on a topic, that should be a giant red flag that some personal reflection is needed.

Your stance on the topic isn’t YOU.

It isn’t healthy to continue that way. This makes it very difficult to have any kind of meaningful conversations. It limits your ability to relate to others. Progress is stifled and grows stagnant as egos take precedence. It builds walls between you and others rather than bridges towards any type of growth or maturity in how we deal with each other.

On the flip side, the lack of being able to have any sort of real meaningful conversations is extremely sad and insanely lonesome. Very often, you find that others don’t understand you and they aren’t willing to delve as deep into the problem solving exploration that you feel is required to “make things actually better” seems to separate you from the herd.

The world is massive with such diversity, and while one may be fine to explore it, the lack of people capable to reflect upon it with, without it degrading into an “Us” vs “Them” mentality seems maddeningly small. As they become more and more aware of this, they can become disillusioned. For these people, pride is not the issue, the issue and how it affects others is the focus issue. Its not being about always “being right” or “laying blame”, or personal egos at all, its about the resolution. Its about being open to understanding different points of view… about having a willingness to understand and consider the pain points of others.

Even understanding that people aren’t necessarily “bad” and just suffer from the pain of pridefulness, isn’t much of a consolation, because you are still left rather alone with no interlocutors.

In earnest it is pretty rare to encounter conversations where people are objective and aware of their own biases and accepting of the limitations of their own experience. Where people are willing to give weight to someone else’s issues with a subject. Where they are willing to plain listen and learn, or just consider alternate paths and courses of action that haven’t already been used, or even to just consider adjustment.

In this instance you feel extremely alone in your own willingness to be more creative.