honesty about anxiety..

There are days when I see others so comfortable in their skin, and able to feel a joy that envelopes their whole being. One that is so visibly understood to behold…. One that isn’t instantly spoiled by worries and realities that creep in about whats next. I hope someday I can find and embrace that. To have the feeling last a bit longer would be so nice.. Honestly its  those small moments that I actually get those few precious seconds, that’s where I can occasionally feel real, or alive.  I’d like more of it. 

I have family members that deal with anxiety, and sometimes I have a hard time understanding it, thinking that I don’t have that issue. Truth is though that isn’t correct because for me claim I don’t have anxiety is laughable. The reality is that the anxiety I have pushes different reactions than what some family members experience.

I have a few family members where their anxiety petrifies them. Keeps them where they are and has the tendency to leave them immobile, unable to process or move.

I realized today that my anxiety just takes a different form. Mine pushes me to run… not to run away in any literal sense, but rather more of a “pedal to the metal” type reaction where its more like I’m too scared to stop working towards something. To scared to become stuck where I’m not growing, or learning in some way.  Worried I’ve not done enough, worried I’m not enough… I’m more afraid to stop… because if I do, I might get trapped in some bad situation, and then it could be possible that I no longer have the energy to escape it. 

Momentum… velocity right… keep on keeping on… right?

The trouble is,  pretty often I forget to actually let myself enjoy, and sometimes I feel like I forget how to enjoy in the first place. I know sometimes I should be more excited and revel in the moment, but the truth is that when those time finally arrive… generally at  that point I’m already on to thinking about how to resolve the next thing…  Internally… I’m no longer even in that moment, I’ve already left before the celebration could even be had.  

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