A tendency for plausible deniability

Sometimes we spend a lot of our time keeping our thoughts to ourselves because we don’t feel comfortable being able to admit who we are to others. We see them judge others on the most miniscule things, that makes things seem so fake and relationships so unstable.  When we don’t share and it gives us plausible deniability. Many times we worry (and at times know) that others simply may not understand, and so we feel it isn’t worth losing even those limited friendships in trying to get people to understand where you are coming from.  

Its much easier keeping things as one-sided as possible, where you are their friend, but where you don’t have to trust that they would really want to be there for you. On the same token, that can be incredibly lonely not feeling truly understood, not being able to trust that you have worth enough for people to value you, or want to share time with you. 

There are a few people that breakthrough that shell, and those friendships force us to change our mode of operations a bit. They force us to realize that how we keep people at arms length isn’t the best way to go about things. The problem is it feels so much safer. Then there is also the worry of scaring those precious few away.

I’d like to live somewhere in the middle..  but I’m not always brave enough for that.

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