Painfully honest

There are times when I’m in the most pain, that I become pretty angry at my parents for having me in the first place, and then for subjecting my siblings and I to the environment we were brought up in… all in a desire to acquire free farm labor. Two of the four surviving ended up with certain neurological issues, one un-diagnosed but understood, and me with the MS.

To give them the most benefit, I could chalk it up to being young and stupid, though, they weren’t all that young, one knew they didn’t want children and had them anyway, because the other wanted labor and to grant that one the excuse of stupidity seems to give them too much of an excuse.

But in the end the anger doesn’t help. I’m here now regardless, I’m hurting now regardless, and no amount of frustration or even blame or responsibility thrown in their direction will change anything.  The past cannot be altered. The anger only serves to magnify what I don’t want right now.. the hurt.

Without knowing the future, without understanding what they put us through – which will likely always be beyond them, they might not have made the same decisions… but who knows.. they still might of… In the end it matters little, because now is now, and that is all I have to work with. Now is all that is in my current control.

I will choose to figure out how to minimize it now, how to calm my soul and how to rework my being to find what is the best possible, that allows me to come back stronger.