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Archive for August 3rd, 2017

Unhinged….

I’m feeling pretty heartbroken and angry if I’m honest.

I’m a Gemini – the twins – supposedly seeing multiple sides… if there is ever any real merit to that categorization I won’t claim to ever know. However I do very often relate with the proposed ability to see things from different sides on a regular basis. There are times when it is so frustrating to feel so alone in thinking the way that I do… to always have that duality at minimum — and often more sides of things, all being able to be represented in my own head.

At the moment I have those different sides all communicating but still unsure, with nothing definite seemingly coming of it. No real peace or wisdom found at the moment. Its an internal struggle that I’m not figuring out as quickly as I like… and it hurts.

Not inclined to shirk responsibility because you can’t fix or make things better doing that…. but I’m also not inclined be used as a scapegoat for others either, when the power over actions aren’t my own.

On one hand I’m a firm believer in personal responsibility. That  thought that you do have an influence on what happens to you and even to those in your care.

On the other hand I know that the reality is we have absolutely no control over anyone except ourselves… and even those in our care are never totally under our control and we are foolish to ever believe differently.

So I question…

Does or can someone else’s choice mean that  I failed to be attentive enough? Should I still have known the turmoil in another when there were no signs, no reason to suspect it? When their actions and words are so outside their normal character?

Would being more attentive have even helped?  Should I just know to be prepared to suspect a fire where there was no smoke? Or have I just been played a fool the entire time with the level of trust I’ve given?

Can I forgive myself for not being the super hero? For plain not knowing? For not teaching them good enough?

Can I forgive them for going against every fiber of everything I’ve ever tried to relay about respect towards others, in relations with all people in the first place? I’ve vocally made my point time and again, so its not an instance of silence on the subject. Is it my own pride that makes it hurt so much to feel like their actions so clearly display their disregard for the lessons I tried to teach, the things I felt it was so important to instill.

To have those lessons apparently unheard… uncared about.

I know that words are just words yes, but shouldn’t we live by what we say… be held responsible for our words? If our words can’t be trusted, then what good are they and why should anyone heed them?

How far does forgiveness go? How much can I trust you if you ever felt it was OK to even say certain things? If those things even came to mind in the first place?

To have given me the apology with the claim of understanding and even the admission of fault….  but for me to now have to continue wonder at your level of sincerity. To feel that now going forward, I will feel obligated to second guess wither or not actions and words are true —- or are they all just a show to keep me placated for the remaining time while you have to deal with me.

For me to plain no longer trust without a doubt that you will chose human decency over anything else in your actions and dealings with others… its honestly heartbreaking.

Mistakes don’t define us… this statement is very true — as it is actually the lessons we learn and how we implement them going forward to better ourselves that define our final character. It is my ultimate hope that you learn something so unforgettable from the repercussions of your choice that you never dare to again tread that line.

…. but gone are the days of certain trust, where I would ever “know without a doubt” what to expect or know of you.

Maybe its my own pride that I need to quell, but It makes me question everything I’ve ever striven for, as if in an instant your choices void out any positives  I’ve worked for, leaving my own existence meaningless, because if I wasn’t good enough at training you… my legacy… than what good was I?

For you to have said such hurtful things to someone you claimed to care about…  it hurts even though those words weren’t directed at me…

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