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Archive for August, 2017

Blind respect towards something or someone that doesn’t respect back, is not wise. It tends to actually just be enabling out of fear or laziness. Its not noble, responsible or even a healthy practice to simply not question things “just because” something is the way its “always been”.
Actually learning and growing requires that our own morality and ethics always be questioned and reflected upon. We should not wish to be stagnant.
Respect not earned by admiration of our own character, or observance of our own qualities and actions is rather hollow. More often than not it is a sign of fear, rather than actual respect.
All should be willing to listen. This common practice of shutting down conversations with shame instead of listening to the other side and actively working through creating understandings with people and their different experiences…. the practice of judging first and ignoring is a sign of true cowardice. In the end, no amount of lying to ourselves will ever change the fact that we are two sides of the same coin.
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Honesty is difficult. It is easier to hide in the crowd and to drown one’s own guilt in that of the human race.  – Kierkegaard

In the past week, I’ve seen three different posts on facebook of people who start off saying how toxic or mean the posts they see on facebook are, how people should be so much nicer… and then either in the next line blame some group over it, or like someone’s comment responding to their post with words blaming <insert label here> for behaving this way… for  “crying” or “whining” of being entitled, or plain being disgusting or dumb.

#1 Gripe: Here is the deal. Facebook is made up of your circle of “Friends.” People you’ve accepted or invited. If the posts you see are negative… perhaps consider that it is the information bubble you’ve created, and maybe… just maybe…. you should do some soulsearching on why that is. Either people you choose to be connected to are really that spiteful, OR… and stay with me here…..  maybe your friends are going through a rough patch and could use an actual FRIEND to help encourage them that things aren’t as dim and bleak and hateful as it appears…

Your Facebook feed is never an accurate reading on the world… its only a small section of people you’ve collected to stay connected to. Don’t ever take it as anything more than that.

#2 Gripe: Why can’t people ever seem to plain understand that if you want to find peace, its not found in demonizing or blaming others, or projecting that you are above human imperfections.

Peace is not found in unwillingness to even listen to another’s hardship or situation.

Peace is not found in supplying judgement over situations you only just heard of and/or never investigated beyond a two minute google search. Upon situations you’ve never experienced for yourself.

Peace is not found in an unwillingness to reflect upon your own behavior or require improvement in even yourself or require thought into what you publicly support.

Complete peace is not found without complete honesty and civil minded motivations. “Peace” that you encounter when things are hidden, is not really peace at all – its ignoring someone else’s exploitation or pain.

 

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Unhinged….

I’m feeling pretty heartbroken and angry if I’m honest.

I’m a Gemini – the twins – supposedly seeing multiple sides… if there is ever any real merit to that categorization I won’t claim to ever know. However I do very often relate with the proposed ability to see things from different sides on a regular basis. There are times when it is so frustrating to feel so alone in thinking the way that I do… to always have that duality at minimum — and often more sides of things, all being able to be represented in my own head.

At the moment I have those different sides all communicating but still unsure, with nothing definite seemingly coming of it. No real peace or wisdom found at the moment. Its an internal struggle that I’m not figuring out as quickly as I like… and it hurts.

Not inclined to shirk responsibility because you can’t fix or make things better doing that…. but I’m also not inclined be used as a scapegoat for others either, when the power over actions aren’t my own.

On one hand I’m a firm believer in personal responsibility. That  thought that you do have an influence on what happens to you and even to those in your care.

On the other hand I know that the reality is we have absolutely no control over anyone except ourselves… and even those in our care are never totally under our control and we are foolish to ever believe differently.

So I question…

Does or can someone else’s choice mean that  I failed to be attentive enough? Should I still have known the turmoil in another when there were no signs, no reason to suspect it? When their actions and words are so outside their normal character?

Would being more attentive have even helped?  Should I just know to be prepared to suspect a fire where there was no smoke? Or have I just been played a fool the entire time with the level of trust I’ve given?

Can I forgive myself for not being the super hero? For plain not knowing? For not teaching them good enough?

Can I forgive them for going against every fiber of everything I’ve ever tried to relay about respect towards others, in relations with all people in the first place? I’ve vocally made my point time and again, so its not an instance of silence on the subject. Is it my own pride that makes it hurt so much to feel like their actions so clearly display their disregard for the lessons I tried to teach, the things I felt it was so important to instill.

To have those lessons apparently unheard… uncared about.

I know that words are just words yes, but shouldn’t we live by what we say… be held responsible for our words? If our words can’t be trusted, then what good are they and why should anyone heed them?

How far does forgiveness go? How much can I trust you if you ever felt it was OK to even say certain things? If those things even came to mind in the first place?

To have given me the apology with the claim of understanding and even the admission of fault….  but for me to now have to continue wonder at your level of sincerity. To feel that now going forward, I will feel obligated to second guess wither or not actions and words are true —- or are they all just a show to keep me placated for the remaining time while you have to deal with me.

For me to plain no longer trust without a doubt that you will chose human decency over anything else in your actions and dealings with others… its honestly heartbreaking.

Mistakes don’t define us… this statement is very true — as it is actually the lessons we learn and how we implement them going forward to better ourselves that define our final character. It is my ultimate hope that you learn something so unforgettable from the repercussions of your choice that you never dare to again tread that line.

…. but gone are the days of certain trust, where I would ever “know without a doubt” what to expect or know of you.

Maybe its my own pride that I need to quell, but It makes me question everything I’ve ever striven for, as if in an instant your choices void out any positives  I’ve worked for, leaving my own existence meaningless, because if I wasn’t good enough at training you… my legacy… than what good was I?

For you to have said such hurtful things to someone you claimed to care about…  it hurts even though those words weren’t directed at me…

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