Note to self: Beautifully greener grass still has its own issues…


Art borrowed from Marion Bolognesi


Kind of a dear diary moment of self-reflection (almost to the level of being a pun).

It’s interesting. What our society deems as beautiful seems to be very limited. While I don’t tend to buy into things that seem so material, opting instead to focus more on the ethics part of value theory philosophy rather than on aesthetics, yet… when I’m honest – for some reason I’ve always been overly self-conscious, never really ever able to feel “pretty” ever. Its been kind of a personal bucket list joke to myself that I’d like at some point to have at least one photo that I wasn’t self-conscious over of before I go.

For the most part I tend to put those thoughts aside, and try to just not think about it much. As a coping strategy I always tend to offer to “take” pictures at events as it generally assures that my place won’t be in them. It embarrasses me to admit it, but when I do allow myself to think about it, I personally feel so awkward and gross, and I’ve literally held back actual tears when I’ve seen a picture someone has snapped of me… and that reaction is so adverse to the way I feel I should ever be. It’s so ridiculous and is too much reaction over something that doesn’t matter when it comes to determining the true value of a person. Its just the container.. the book cover, its dumb to worry about, so I try and limit thinking about it as much as possible. I scoff at it and then put it back in its proverbial box in the deepest corner hidden under the imaginary bed in my psyche, yet every once in awhile it escapes and makes me question myself for a little bit — until I fold it back up and put it back away again.

Why is it I can sincerely and easily not care about aesthetics in others, and even pity those who make it the meat of their being, and truly believe that those who use it as any measure of value, or give it importance are themselves lacking in basic understanding of reality.

Yet hypocritically – here I am fully knowing that it shouldn’t be allowed to bother anyone – I still do have those occasional moments when my logic lets down its guard and it will bother me and even affect my current well-being and my value of myself. It never bleeds over to how I think of others, but somehow is able to occasionally blemish how I think of myself. Thankfully its not that often, but when it does comes up, I’m disgusted at myself physically, and then also disgusted at myself for caring at all and letting it get to me when I do actually know better.

I bring it up only really because in the past week, I’ve actually realized something that I plan to remind myself of if-or-when it comes up again and starts bothering me..

Truth is that the grass isn’t necessarily greener on the other side.

I have a co-worker who is the normal standard of “pretty”. She is super nice, super sweet, and is no fool. On more than one occasion, we’ve had customers come in and tell her how beautiful she is. While they likely mean well, it always just becomes awkward for everyone in the office and she’ll joke and shrug it off infront of the customer. She’ll admit later how awkward it is for her, and all the front office employees will just note who it was and try and spare her the next time of having to deal with that customer.

In addition, there is this tendency (especially in men) to plain devalue what they expect that she’ll understand seemingly because of it. One customer came in while I was at lunch last week, and talked to her about a barely technical part of a service we provide, and told her that it “was probably too sophisticated” for her to understand what he had done, and that he’d come back in later. Granted, she’s not a technician, but still, that was a bit presumptuous, and honestly she let him leave with that because she at that point didn’t want to talk to him anyway.

Yesterday that customer came back in and asked the same questions, only to me. Now I’m not the most technical person here, but I do understand the realities of what his question posed and how that service actually works, and within a few minutes I answered his questions the best I could, and he admitted that he isn’t actually that technical and doesn’t really “understand it much” himself. I told him that was fine, we’d try to help him best we could (customer relations and all), but internally I was shaking my head at this ego trip of his.

What garbage.. If the reality is that he doesn’t know much about it either, why was it necessary to tell my co-worker and friend that it was “too sophisticated” for her? Its couldn’t be assumed that by desk location was why he treated her like that as I sit in the front office as well and also not with the regular technicians, so what was the difference other than I’m probably more “standard issue” looking and she’s not.

Seriously I believe this ended up being a matter of that he just wanted to plain “display his feathers” in front of her so to speak rather than just get his question answered? What a complete waste of time.

That is an attitude that would be so annoying to have to deal with on a more regular basis, and I’m thankful actually that I don’t have to. I hate wasting my time, and grandiose antics do primarily that. If things aren’t really sincere, if they aren’t to the point, and if they aren’t with the intention of resolving some issue, I find it difficult to care and difficult to listen because I feel like the focus should always be on the resolution of things, not the dumb dramatics that slow the progress of the desired end result.

While it seems like it would be more desirable to have visible “beauty”, it seems that when you get down to it, maybe life is actually more often closer to reality (when it comes to having to deal with other people) when you are just simply “standard” looking.

I don’t typically have to question the intention behind smiles I get as being anything but what they are…. and in the end… you know what… I’ll try and remember to take it as the blessing it apparently is, because I honestly wouldn’t have the patience to deal with the other side of things.

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