tirade of the tired peacemaker.. and a confession

I’m very frustrated…  My own doing I suppose. I’ve always gravitated to the role of peacemaker. I’ve always been the one to get in there and smooth things over. To softly encourage people to put aside some of their own issues and deal with each other. The intentions were good, but what has ended up being reality is not. I feel tired.. and I don’t want to be a required piece in someone else’s relationship. Its hard enough to manage my personal relationships with people, let alone being a constant “guard” for someone else.

After some point over time you’d think there would be small steps on their own part to go and attempt to speak each other’s language. I’m just tired of being a required translator, but not because I don’t want to help. It’s mostly because I don’t see any actual growth happening between these two wither I’m involved or not. Stubborn streaks run so high, and in the event that one side actually gives a little, the other isn’t willing, and then they seem to alternate roles making no progress.

Their relationship feels like an empty shell to me. One where there doesn’t seem to be the drive to improve matters unless outside parties are present or involved. They seem to just deal with each other because of  who else is included in the “package” that comes with the other party rather than because they genuinely want to be around the other party. To be quite honest, the lack of respect on both sides makes me angry.

I’m tired.. I’m tired of being a required piece, being a necessity to encourage any relation between the two. I’m tired of the expectations, I’m exhausted because I don’t know the answer and I feel burnt by the situation.

Is this wrong of me? Is my exhaustion selfish?

I’m taking a risk posting this whole post I think but if I don’t get this out somehow, I feel like I’m going to burst. I don’t know who even ever looks at this blog anymore, I’m pretty certain most that are involved in the following don’t. My personal issue though is that I really feel like I have no one to talk to.  I need to get some of my own frustration off of my chest. I need a friend that I either I don’t have, or at the very least one that maybe is there and I’m dense and  just don’t realize that they actually are available to me. I have awesome people in my life, don’t get me wrong, but don’t feel I have anyone at the moment that I can bounce ideas off of. I kind of need someone to talk to that isn’t influenced or have some vested interest in how I proceed.

On my own front, my biggest issue personally right now is that I feel “too needed”.  I feel a little smothered.  I feel required. Its such an odd thing to complain about. I would very much like to share some responsibilities, but my better judgement stops me. When your option is to handle something yourself or hand over the reins of some things over to someone who, (while they have dramatically improved), is still very impulsive and often reacts irrationally. Some one that is somewhat recognized as a loose cannon in certain areas….. They don’t think I trust them, and I’m afraid that while I can’t verbally admit it to them, it’s probably true. Broaching the conversation in the past has never amounted to much of anything except to cause hurt and stir up resentment over the comment.

When the instant reaction is to take everything as a personal attack as opposed to simply being a request to step up the game, things don’t really improve. In fairness, I realize that there are other factors that make it hard. There are some valid personal issues that make it hard for people to change the way they are, but when we focus so intently on the emotional part of “how we feel” and how others have “wronged” us, we stifle our own progress to get past it and move on.

My issue is I can’t fully trust inconsistency,  I can’t bring myself to do it.  I’m not willing to let collective lives be the victim of someone’s inability to manage even their own emotions and behave rationally.  I can’t just let bad things happen just because someone gets frustrated and can’t cope.  There are people who deserve better involved, so I can’t just let things go.. bowing to inconsistent and spazzy emotions instead of reality is not the way.

I suppose I sound so horrible here.  The thing is this very same individual is so amazing on so many other areas and I can’t imagine not having this person around. This is not a bad person I’m speaking about. When their core comes out, the amount of love they have for people is awesome. The main issue is they are so overly sensitive and easily hurt, that they quickly build walls and strive to keep people at arms length. Defense mechanism to prevent them from being hurt anymore, but also works to keep others from getting to know the core of their being, which is sad. This feeds into their loneliness, and makes it difficult to make or keep friends.

In reality they  have actually achieved a few pretty cool milestones and have some decent things going on for them, but they totally devalue them. I don’t know what the right step is. I don’t feel its a matter of me trying to control everything. In reality I truly don’t want to have to be held responsible for every single thing. I’d love to hand some things over, but I’m tired of being put in bad positions and being so tied in to sporadic emotional reactions don’t lend themselves to good situations. I feel like we survive only because I consider what is needed to maintain us for a year at a time. I sound like a heel I suppose…

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