Random Updates – April 2012

We got the kale, cilantro & basil in the ground. I hope they make it. 🙂

In other news.. for the first time in 16 years I own a regular bicycle. Its kind of cool. We went down to Thompson park and rode on their bike trail as a family. I think the kids really enjoyed it, I know I did. What spurred this really was a week or so ago now, the doctor had told Deon that he should think about losing some weight. He suggested trying to work up to having a daily 20 minute walk. I suggested he wait until I get home each day, and we could go together. Would be some time quality alone that he seems to be craving, and just the fact that it is always good to have someone along for accountability.

We had done pretty good the last two weeks. We’ve only missed two days, one when I was feeling too sick to go, and one when we couldn’t bring ourselves to go walk in a downpour. The bikes will make us get a little more exercise out of the process I think. It will be good. The walks were nice though because we could talk as we walked, so maybe we will alternate.

On the 26th was our 15th wedding anniversary. We tried twice to go to lunch, but one day Kylan was home sick from school, and the day of our anniversary it was the “Take your child to work day” which Shelsea of course wanted to participate in.

I married a great guy though.   The other day it was so weird, I was just feeling so very blah. We had gone to the store, and my hair was behaving in a manner that my sister and I term as “Bushwoman” hair.  I saw this lady with her little girl, the little girl was dressed all cute, and the Mom was very put together, very polished.

I started remembering that growing up I always had this goal that some day I would have a polished, and confident look. When I was younger, it was ok that I didn’t feel pretty or cute then, because I would get there one day.  I never really had found it though as I looked down at my sweatshirt, jeans and sneakers. I was kind of feeling bad about that and Deon out the blue just told me I was beautiful. He says it often (another reason I’m such a heel to ever complain about him), but that time, the timing was so right on. I really am lucky.

Shelsea’s “Bring your child to work day: kind of nixed out lunch date idea altogether.  My job involves data entry, placing orders with codes, and being on hold on the phone for large amounts of time. It was ok though, Shelsea and I ended up having a good day anyway.  I told her it was going to be boring, but it didn’t deter her from the opportunity to miss a day of school. She’s a good kid, and fun to be around. That said, I ended up setting her up on a laptop, and having her practice her math online at Khan academy a good portion of the day which wasn’t quite what she had in mind… lol.

For anyone wanting to just learn something, or even if the kids come home and they need help with math homework that you just don’t remember how to do, I would very much suggest checking out Khan Academy. They have a wide variety of information available all in well done youtube videos. You can sign up and have your learning progress tracked, or you can sign up your kids and actually view statistics of how well they’ve done on any given subject they’ve worked on. It gives you insight on what kind of things they need to work on and what things they’ve mastered. Best of all, its all free! Just costs the time.

I’m in such an odd place right now emotionally I think. Its all kind of numb. I seem to be doing ok with the MS… least I think. As long as I stick to the diet and rest when I get too tired, I seem to be able to continue on. To be honest, its always there in the back of my mind but I feel like I’m trying to avoid thinking about it, which has been a little hard this past few weeks. First, a school friend on facebook sadly reported that her father who had progressive MS died.  Then there was this lady that works at a different office in the same building that I do, who had been diagnosed and had quietly contacted me about it a while back. I sent her all the information that I had, and encouraged her to explore her options and find what is best for her. We hadn’t really talked about it in awhile, and she wanted kept quiet at least until she got things worked out.

I was approached by another co-worker on Friday telling me that the said individual had MS, and wondering if I had talked to them at all… so I guess she’s told people. Sadly it seems to be out of necessity as the other co-worker also told me that the said individual was having to take an indefinite vacation.  My prayers are with her and I sincerely hope it eases its grip on her soon.

I’ve been extremely lucky, and I can’t help but wonder if at some point my luck is going to run out. It concerns me because there is not a backup plan right now. Deon has been off work so long. He mentioned looking into getting a CB license last night and maybe driving bus for a bit to help out with things. I kind of hope this pans out. He needs to do something, he has extreme cabin fever, and to be honest, while I love him with all my heart, It would be really nice for him to have something to focus on other than me. Its kind of stressing me out, that and just worrying about money.  I’m so wanting some down time to decompress where I don’t have to be guilty for wanting some time that I don’t have to answer to everyone over or be responsible for their immediate happiness.

Kind of a bad time too, because my Neurologist has left the area, and I need to get another one. I’m kind of putting it off though, #1 because I’m doing ok, and #2 because each time I switch, they order a brand new MRI. I’m still paying on the last one. ><  I seriously cannot afford to have it done again, it takes me 3 years to pay them off everytime I have one, and I’ve still got a year to go.

Growth

This here is a picture of our garden-in-training. We planted this from seed two weekends ago. It was pretty amazing how relatively quickly remarkable growth can happen. Within just a few days, our seeds had sprouted. Small green baby leaves protruding from the small earth pellets.

Growth is an amazing thing.. its something that sneaks up on you. Its a process.. its a collection small seemingly insignificant changes that make a big difference. Its something that goes easily unappreciated.

I think sometimes our problems lie in what we chose to focus on. I know this week has been kind of a stressful one for me, and I think that I can honestly say that part of the problem is what I’ve allowed to let bother me. What I’ve allowed to matter more than it should. I’m a fixer, and a planner. I can’t help it, but at some point I have to let some of it go.

Things change… growth happens.. even if we don’t initially recognize it.

tirade of the tired peacemaker.. and a confession

I’m very frustrated…  My own doing I suppose. I’ve always gravitated to the role of peacemaker. I’ve always been the one to get in there and smooth things over. To softly encourage people to put aside some of their own issues and deal with each other. The intentions were good, but what has ended up being reality is not. I feel tired.. and I don’t want to be a required piece in someone else’s relationship. Its hard enough to manage my personal relationships with people, let alone being a constant “guard” for someone else.

After some point over time you’d think there would be small steps on their own part to go and attempt to speak each other’s language. I’m just tired of being a required translator, but not because I don’t want to help. It’s mostly because I don’t see any actual growth happening between these two wither I’m involved or not. Stubborn streaks run so high, and in the event that one side actually gives a little, the other isn’t willing, and then they seem to alternate roles making no progress.

Their relationship feels like an empty shell to me. One where there doesn’t seem to be the drive to improve matters unless outside parties are present or involved. They seem to just deal with each other because of  who else is included in the “package” that comes with the other party rather than because they genuinely want to be around the other party. To be quite honest, the lack of respect on both sides makes me angry.

I’m tired.. I’m tired of being a required piece, being a necessity to encourage any relation between the two. I’m tired of the expectations, I’m exhausted because I don’t know the answer and I feel burnt by the situation.

Is this wrong of me? Is my exhaustion selfish?

I’m taking a risk posting this whole post I think but if I don’t get this out somehow, I feel like I’m going to burst. I don’t know who even ever looks at this blog anymore, I’m pretty certain most that are involved in the following don’t. My personal issue though is that I really feel like I have no one to talk to.  I need to get some of my own frustration off of my chest. I need a friend that I either I don’t have, or at the very least one that maybe is there and I’m dense and  just don’t realize that they actually are available to me. I have awesome people in my life, don’t get me wrong, but don’t feel I have anyone at the moment that I can bounce ideas off of. I kind of need someone to talk to that isn’t influenced or have some vested interest in how I proceed.

On my own front, my biggest issue personally right now is that I feel “too needed”.  I feel a little smothered.  I feel required. Its such an odd thing to complain about. I would very much like to share some responsibilities, but my better judgement stops me. When your option is to handle something yourself or hand over the reins of some things over to someone who, (while they have dramatically improved), is still very impulsive and often reacts irrationally. Some one that is somewhat recognized as a loose cannon in certain areas….. They don’t think I trust them, and I’m afraid that while I can’t verbally admit it to them, it’s probably true. Broaching the conversation in the past has never amounted to much of anything except to cause hurt and stir up resentment over the comment.

When the instant reaction is to take everything as a personal attack as opposed to simply being a request to step up the game, things don’t really improve. In fairness, I realize that there are other factors that make it hard. There are some valid personal issues that make it hard for people to change the way they are, but when we focus so intently on the emotional part of “how we feel” and how others have “wronged” us, we stifle our own progress to get past it and move on.

My issue is I can’t fully trust inconsistency,  I can’t bring myself to do it.  I’m not willing to let collective lives be the victim of someone’s inability to manage even their own emotions and behave rationally.  I can’t just let bad things happen just because someone gets frustrated and can’t cope.  There are people who deserve better involved, so I can’t just let things go.. bowing to inconsistent and spazzy emotions instead of reality is not the way.

I suppose I sound so horrible here.  The thing is this very same individual is so amazing on so many other areas and I can’t imagine not having this person around. This is not a bad person I’m speaking about. When their core comes out, the amount of love they have for people is awesome. The main issue is they are so overly sensitive and easily hurt, that they quickly build walls and strive to keep people at arms length. Defense mechanism to prevent them from being hurt anymore, but also works to keep others from getting to know the core of their being, which is sad. This feeds into their loneliness, and makes it difficult to make or keep friends.

In reality they  have actually achieved a few pretty cool milestones and have some decent things going on for them, but they totally devalue them. I don’t know what the right step is. I don’t feel its a matter of me trying to control everything. In reality I truly don’t want to have to be held responsible for every single thing. I’d love to hand some things over, but I’m tired of being put in bad positions and being so tied in to sporadic emotional reactions don’t lend themselves to good situations. I feel like we survive only because I consider what is needed to maintain us for a year at a time. I sound like a heel I suppose…