Right before Christmas, I was in a store looking around and I met up with an old friend from High School. He had been good friends with one of my close friends and we had hung out from time to time. Mostly, I remember hanging out with him a few times, playing board games and just talking at my husband’s parents house when my husband and I was first dating. Always a really nice guy, and fun to be around.
When we saw each other at the store this past Christmas, we struck up a conversation, asking about how each other had been doing. Things sounded to be going well for him. He had had some struggles, but it sounded like things were on the upswing for him. He had his adorable little girl with him, who was reorganizing some small toys on the shelf according to color. His mild-mannered older son was standing at the door playing a demo of a video game. They were all smiles that day and seemed to be in great spirits. He was very patient and encouraging with his kids. It was nice to see.
Another guy we had went to school with walked in, and the three of us joked about it being a mini High School Reunion. It had been a pleasant visit.
Fast forward to today and my phone sends me updates when people update their facebook status. I was really saddened to see that his mother (who did my makeup for my senior pictures) posted that her youngest son was dead. It wasn’t very many posts on the mother’s page until I saw that he had taken his own life.
I feel really bad that such a nice guy had gotten to the point to where he couldn’t see through whatever sorrow haunted him. It’s really sad that the world lost this guy, that his children lost a loving father. He was much to young to think this was it, and that there was no way out of it. No possible hope…
…and at the same time… I feel angry. Suicide really makes me angry. Giving up on everything just seems so selfish.
I don’t want to sound unfeeling, but my sense of reality makes it hard to accept. In honestly I find it hard to feel too sorry for someone who has decided that what they “feel” at a certain moment trumps everything, and everyone else. Arrogance, to be so certain that there isn’t any possible way out of their pain. Its as if they think that they are equipped to make that kind of judgement. As if they have all the information possible, and without a doubt know that the future will not get any better. Suicide is so preventable. It’s really just selfishness and a form of arrogance that has been allowed to continue unchecked. It is a personal decision not to cope, it is a personal decision not to appreciate.
Death is an easy out. Its a selfish easy out for the individual. Its like saying that no one else matters enough to stick around for. It says that they are impulsive and only care about how things make them feel. They ignore anything that is not centered around their own emotions. They only feel held accountable to themselves and work under a guise that their life has no impact on anyone else. Awfully convenient of an outlook, to not feel you should contribute to the good of the whole. To not accept that you have any responsibility to anyone but the tug of your own occasionally fickle emotions.
It says that the child you brought into this world was fun for a bit, but you don’t care to be responsible, don’t care to actually follow through to care and be there for them. It says that their family and friends couldn’t help them because the as an individual decided to devalue anything and everything good in their life….. and consider it garbage. They choose to not give proper appreciation. To instead focus completely on themselves, how they feel and it becomes all that matters.
The sad part is that while that is logically what it means to the people that you leave behind, if you are that depressed you are generally oblivious and you don’t recognize how selfish it would be. You would have become stuck in a loop of replaying your same sorrow…. over and over and not coping or moving on. You may truly think that your life doesn’t matter, and that it wouldn’t impact anyone else if you were gone. The thing is if you feel that way, you are wrong. Take a step back and look at the big picture. This point in time is fleeting, don’t give it more power than it warrants. The only constant in this life is that nothing is constant, so realistically hope is always present, but only noticeable to those who want to find it and move on.
Hope is the reward for those who are humble enough to remove their blinder’s and look for it. Those who can see past themselves, and those who want to learn and grow as a person and not remain stuck in the same rut.
The way I see it , the root of happiness is appreciation. Giving correct value to the things that are good in your life and not taking them for granted. The ability to roll with the punches, to learn whatever lesson available from your hardships and move on. Understanding that the presence of struggles, doesn’t mean that have failed or are less valuable. Realizing that things change. There is always another struggle over the horizon, but there is also another opportunity. Its your choice what you seek out, just as it is your choice wither you celebrate sorrow or joy. Accept that perfection is not obtainable. Know enough to include others in your joy, but don’t require them to supply it.