Learning about moderation..

From December 24th through January 2nd, I was encouraged to take a much needed vacation. No pressures aside from some regular holiday upheaval (subject for a whole other post… If its not one side of the family, its the other). I had a few things for work I had to login and do, but overall this time the majority of the vacation was actually spent at home with my family talking, relaxing, cleaning, laughing & playing games. It was much needed,  how dense I become.  It again reminded me  the importance of moderation and that it really does me no good not to take some vacation here or there. I further realized that taking a little longer vacation (more than just 2 or 3  days) can definitely refresh the soul a bit.

I’ve always sort of hoarded the option of my vacation time. Its pretty easy to justify, especially when you have any kind of ill, and very little money. Its simple to tell yourself “I can’t afford to do anything anyway, so why take a vacation” Because of that I have successfully kept my vacation time accumulated with the thought that it will be there to be used if something serious and unforeseen happens.

I came to a conclusion. The fear of what could be is quickly able to pervade, imprinting parts of  itself in any potential from what actually is.  Its like a virus.  I realized that following suit to how I’ve been operating, all time that is supposed to be allotted for replenishing energy and revitalizing my soul making me stronger, is instead stored in a closet and only brought into play for the use of merely staying afloat. It’s like being in constant maintenance mode and not entering the next growth cycle.  Living in hibernation where the main  purpose is to simply survive and nothing more.  At that point you aren’t living life, merely maintaining it.

I realized that is where I’ve been and that is what is wrong. I also realized that in making a decision to do something, so that I can live with myself and the quality of my small impact on this world, that others may not at all agree with what I feel I need to do. It is in those cases that I must make the decision to agree to disagree instead of just bending to their plans out of a desire to keep the peace. Peace keeping is a noble affair, but I should not attempt to consistently tip-toe and protect the feelings of everyone at the cost of my own self worth. If they truly love me, they should be able to understand why I need to deviate from the normal course, stretching my own wings occasionally. If they call themselves my friend then they should already understand that nothing I do is ever out of personal malice. If they don’t know that about me, and can’t find it in themselves to be my friend when I need it, then they probably weren’t my friend to begin with and I have lost nothing, only gained insight as to what is true.

I have a desire to be “responsible” in all aspects, but I now believe I had sort of gone overboard to an unhealthy level. I really need moderation, I need to be ok with imperfection in myself and understand that in order to give and become my best, it means that sometimes I will have to deal with myself first, and that isn’t being selfish. I desperately need to understand that it is ok occasionally to pursue the things that let you feel good about who you are.  Constantly playing it safe and bending to other’s wants and will isn’t always the right choice. Always playing it safe may let you avoid much discourse, but not all. It leaves your own being sheltered in the shadows of others barely surviving. Nothing about life comes in a neat little package.  Everyone’s perceptions can be flawed by a vantage point and in reality smoke doesn’t always mean fire. Unanswered prayers are often best.  I need to learn that just because others aren’t supportive, doesn’t mean I am doing something wrong, it can sometimes just mean their focus is a little to overly sensitive and centered on a small piece of a much bigger picture.

Only a fool deems themselves above the nature of all that is. A contrary notion it is, that constant protection would actually serve to weaken rather than protect.  In truth small seeds thrive with more vigor  when strewn among a seemingly hostile  bed of grey ash and left to the elements. So it is too that people find growth and enlightenment in their own struggles, not in times of comfort.

Saving everything for a rainy day, and following suit with limiting yourself to doing only that which everyone else expects of you in order to support their ego, does little to really make life worth living. It is through moderation… through fair give and take…. and  allowing an occasional step outside of the norm that we find the our own potential.