Truth be told…

Unbeknownst to anyone, (least I hope) I seem to have an internal crisis on my hands and in my heart. This past year has been a particularly hard one for me to get through. Not because there is any excuse, but almost because there is no excuse. Sheer confusion really. Sure there’s been frustrations, and the MS and things have made me had to change course a bit, but nothing that isn’t able to be dealt with. Mine is a small amount of pain comparatively to what I hear that others deal with. (And Yes I realize how lucky I am that I can still say that and that I have no right to complain.)

I just don’t understand where I am. I seem to have taken a wrong turn somewhere and I just feel really lost. There is no reason for me to feel as down as I’ve felt this last year. I have really really been unhappy and just felt uninspired and low. Work has had its ups and downs, but overall isn’t bad, other than I want to do more and learn something… anything.. new, but that maybe that comes with a little more time and patience on my part.

Home has been alright, a little frustrating trying to figure out something for Hubby to do. I never really understood how much I really need my own time to center and clear my own thoughts until I got to the point where I get no alone time to do that. None… for the last two years.

There is always someone around needing something or plain wanting attention or to be entertained. (And yes I realize how selfish that sounds) I get so very frustrated being responsible for entertaining others who don’t have any idea what makes them happy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not unhappy with the Hubby, I love him very much, and he’s surprising and amazing on so many levels that no one else really knows, but when you marry someone so very different than you, it can be a little challenging (though workable and worth it). I’m happy with my husband and our family, so that isn’t where the issue is.

When you get to that point, and there is no real pin point of a reason, it takes some real soul searching to figure out what is the actual root of the issue. The only reason I can think of has to be me and poor coping strategies, bad management. It shouldn’t be so hard to feel ok where I am.

I just get to the point where I just feel like a shell, and that no one cares what I have to contribute anyway. My purpose seems to be to keep others afloat.
I am a facilitator by nature. I have all these ideas, and flush them through, picking out what details would need to be addressed and marking out solutions to do so. I put so much energy into finding the process and the working out the means. I will even push through what steps I feel need to be done in order to get something moving, to get things going in the desired direction. I do this so often and so often the energy is wasted. Either I’m bad at explaining, or others are too bored to listen, or just plain really don’t care.. Not as much as I do anyway. I suppose it would be so much easier if I could care a bit less… If I could be ok to just be, and not feel responsible to contribute something, or make things better.. to be content to rest on withered laurels….

But then what kind of existence is that? To live the life as a pure consumer, someone who takes, more than they give. I fear that its a common existence in this day and age. But its not something I can be ok with in the root of my center.

I’m saddened to feel like I’m no where near achieving what I’m here to do. Like my life isn’t having an impact, and thinking that way has a way of dulling the soul’s fire, and while I totally know better, I fall in these ruts occasionally. I admit it, the optimist is not always optimistic.

I just want something to be excited about. Some glimmer of hope that it matters and that I’m more than just another automaton going through the motions.

I want to thrive and be giddy.. I want to laugh heartily. I want an endeavor that when I put my energy and thought into it, that it comes out being viable, not a waste of time or an unappreciated gift. I want something I’m associated with to be a masterpiece. Something that causes joy and inspires and encourages the soul.

Its just hard though. Life has me under its thumb at the moment. I just need to wiggle my way out and reunite with my own hope and faith.


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