Fear & Pride

Its quiet, the kids have gone to bed and Deon is upstairs reading. I sit here alone with my thoughts.  To be honest I’ve felt a bit overwhelmed lately.I’m not sure I’ve been handling it like I should. I’ve been worrying a lot, and letting my fears get to me. It does no good to self paralyze. I think this thing with my left eye has thrown me a bit. It changes daily, which I guess is a good sign because if it was totally getting worse, then I wouldn’t have days that I could see better than others.  Sounds reasonable anyway right? I notice sometimes when I go outside when its warm, my left eye will cloud up rather quickly. If I go back inside, it seems to clear back up some as I cool down. I used to love summer, but I’ve been spending most of my time hiding from it this year.

I’ve decided that our worst problems in this life are spawned from two perceptions we put on ourselves. Fear and Pride I think are the most damaging thoughts a person can entertain on a regular basis. The truth of it is, that even if my eye doesn’t fully recover, its fear and pride that would stifle me more than not being able to see well, or at all. If I’m honest with myself, I can realize that should it get worse even, its not like I wouldn’t get through it. I’d  learn to manage. So many live with far worse than the brush of an issue I’ve dealt with thus far, and do so quite successfully on a daily basis. What good does it do to be fearful, except to minimize my own enjoyment of what I have now. What good does it do to base pride on something I have no control over?  Truly?

This next year seems full of uncertainties.  New adventures to be had no doubt. Things are still up in the air with Deon’s shoulder which is more accurately described now as his upper spine. To be honest I’m not sure if there will ever be a “solution” for it. This may be the way it is going to be, and if that is the case then paralyzing myself with fear does no good. In the end to survive we live, learn and move on, or we don’t.. and it is our choice.

I definitely do not like having him be in pain, and him having to be careful even with doing simple things, but honestly I guess it’s similar to what he has to deal with in regards to me now with the MS the last three years.  I’m just lucky my limitations haven’t totally changed what I can do for work. He hasn’t been so lucky. We both have to be careful what we do which definitely wounds pride.  Its frustrating, but everyone has their limitations.

Not ideal financially, but the kids have benefited with having him home, and it has been less stressful on me than before when I had to daily drive them place to place, sometimes multiple times to be watched while we both worked. Worst case, and say this is just how the situation will play out, its not a total loss, and I think that is important to realize. The thing is going to be helping him keep his spirits up when he (like most men, and honestly most people) doesn’t see the value of time spent taking care of things at home vs. time spent at a job making money.  Family should be more important.. its odd how often we allow money to displace our priorities and perverse what we value. I am married to an awesome man who is extremely caring, and who without, I don’t know how I would have had the strength to get through these last 3 years. Honestly. When I had to change my diet, he was right there looking up recipes and finding things that we could have instead. Getting extremely creative and learning trying new cooking styles to make the transition easier. He is the one that gets after me when I know I’m pushing my health, but not wanting to admit it. He has been completely amazing. I am very lucky, but he doesn’t see things like I do, and devalues what he does, because it doesn’t “bring in money”.

Pride is good when it holds you to do a good job at what you are doing, but it can be really bad when it prevents you from healthfully coping with situations that aren’t ideal.