The question I pose today is… Do you think that potential fizzles out? Or does it just get displaced by our every day lives?
If we ever had potential, does it go away? Is it something innately ours, something about our specific person? Or is it merely situational? A product of luck and being at the right place at the right time? Or is it a personally tangible trait, that is just untapped, hibernating until activated by an unknown catalyst? Is it limited to only the opportunities we’ve accepted? Or is it out there waiting for us to aspire to find it, even if we missed it’s original call? I just wonder.. Does our potential expire like that of old milk?
Sometimes I wonder. Sometimes I feel tired and expired. I feel like I’ve failed a younger form of myself. I feel robbed a little by my Multiple Sclerosis. I shouldn’t complain because its been pretty quiet lately, and I have no right. There are tons… TONS! of people worse off than me. As long as I play by the rules, I seem to be able to handle its presence. As long as I avoid my trigger foods (wheat, dairy, red meat, excess sugar), take my vitamins, sleep enough, and try not to stress out, then I’m in decent shape. The minute I step out of line though, it makes its presence known and firmly reminds me, taking me down a peg.
To the delight of some family members, I’ve made an appointment to start seeing a different semi-local Neurologist. In thinking about it, I decided that if something more serious ever came up, it would be better to have a doctor that I can hopefully see more eye-to-eye with. Its not that I think the one I had was bad, he just wasn’t good for me. Not seeming to care enough about what is covered and whats not, and getting slightly bent out of shape because I wouldn’t take a non-essential, “It would be interesting to know” type test, when I found my insurance would NOT cover it, was kind of a breaking point for me. I’m still paying on the whole spinal tap fiasco.. was totally misrepresented in that deal, but its past, and towards the end of this year, I should finally have it paid off.. just taken a year and a half to do so.. ><
The thing is I’m not even content to blame the MS. Today I think I feel drained because I’ve allowed myself to get here attitude-wise. I’m left questioning myself, wondering what should be next, wondering if my most productive time, where I could have really contributed the most, has already passed me by. Feeling a little helpless at times when I should know better. Now that I have to actually put some real and extra effort into staying healthy and feeling subnormal. I’m feeling a bit discouraged..
The thought of being stagnant, or wasting away scares me. I don’t want to progressively get less and less valuable. There are certain aspects where I feel like others have decided my placement for me. Places where I feel I’ve hit my allowed ceiling and all that is left is to slowly drift downwards a little at a time. Its not ok with me, but how can I argue with them when it takes so much of me just to maintain where I’m at now? What does that mean? Does it mean my desire to contribute more is just a shiny illusion? Potential that I’ve lost? Or does it mean that I need to re-evaluate where it is that I have been contributing?