Pushing back the fear

Overall,  I think the part of MS that I struggle with the most has less to do with symptoms, and more to do with fear.  So far even on my worst days when I really feel like I have no balance and I wonder if my leg is going to give out in the next step,  and can’t feel my feet,  I seem to have been able to push on through and force my numb and slower than normal, achy feet & legs to move.  It takes extra effort, but so far I’ve been able to manage. Doing a decent job at it too.. least I think. On a whole, I don’t think it even occurs to others just how much effort it takes me some times, and for that I am thankful.. and lucky.  I actually don’t want them to know.

There are times I get very frustrated to be so betrayed by my own body..  Inside my spirit is a dancer,  a runner, a hiker, a bike rider, an explorer, an active soul, but physically I’ve never been able to be as active as I feel.  I’ve been limited, but then I’ve felt that way even before the MS.  Hopefully without sounding too crazy, I can express that for me there has always been a definite and self-understood line separating me “spiritually” and me “physically”, to the point where I feel somewhat detached.

Perception is power, and understanding that is key…. I know this, and yet when it comes to the MS,  I still at times  find myself faltering, feeling unsure and afraid.  I’m scared there will be a time when I can no longer force a response from my affected limbs.. whichever they happen to be that day.  I actually cringe when I think of how much pain and frustration that others with this disease (who are far worse than me)  go through on a daily basis.   Knowing that more often than not, the fear I feel seems to intensify  symptom severity, so you’d think I’d have that part figured out and under control, but it still creeps up.

I suppose though, that instead of imagining how bad it could be, I should just realize that none of that matters. I should remember that no matter what ends up happening, I will be in one way or another doing the same thing I am right now.. just pushing through and coping.

I guess its important to remember that even in the best of scenario’s there is no true control. We are just humoring ourselves in thinking that we ever have control.  Really our individual power is not based out of control at all, but rather out of the reactions we choose,  positive or negative.

In general I’d rather be positive.. it hurts to much to be negative..

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