Pushing back the fear

Overall,  I think the part of MS that I struggle with the most has less to do with symptoms, and more to do with fear.  So far even on my worst days when I really feel like I have no balance and I wonder if my leg is going to give out in the next step,  and can’t feel my feet,  I seem to have been able to push on through and force my numb and slower than normal, achy feet & legs to move.  It takes extra effort, but so far I’ve been able to manage. Doing a decent job at it too.. least I think. On a whole, I don’t think it even occurs to others just how much effort it takes me some times, and for that I am thankful.. and lucky.  I actually don’t want them to know.

There are times I get very frustrated to be so betrayed by my own body..  Inside my spirit is a dancer,  a runner, a hiker, a bike rider, an explorer, an active soul, but physically I’ve never been able to be as active as I feel.  I’ve been limited, but then I’ve felt that way even before the MS.  Hopefully without sounding too crazy, I can express that for me there has always been a definite and self-understood line separating me “spiritually” and me “physically”, to the point where I feel somewhat detached.

Perception is power, and understanding that is key…. I know this, and yet when it comes to the MS,  I still at times  find myself faltering, feeling unsure and afraid.  I’m scared there will be a time when I can no longer force a response from my affected limbs.. whichever they happen to be that day.  I actually cringe when I think of how much pain and frustration that others with this disease (who are far worse than me)  go through on a daily basis.   Knowing that more often than not, the fear I feel seems to intensify  symptom severity, so you’d think I’d have that part figured out and under control, but it still creeps up.

I suppose though, that instead of imagining how bad it could be, I should just realize that none of that matters. I should remember that no matter what ends up happening, I will be in one way or another doing the same thing I am right now.. just pushing through and coping.

I guess its important to remember that even in the best of scenario’s there is no true control. We are just humoring ourselves in thinking that we ever have control.  Really our individual power is not based out of control at all, but rather out of the reactions we choose,  positive or negative.

In general I’d rather be positive.. it hurts to much to be negative..

Adjusting the Focus

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I took some pictures of the kids the last few days as it is tradition to do so on the first day of school.  This year the kids are filled with so much excitement! So much is new and uncharted!  New house, new neighborhood, new schools for all three, new rules, new friends, with a few old ones sprinkled in here and there, but mostly the excitement of new opportunities!

I took a few different pictures of them, as I normally do, with the hope that at least some of them would turn out good.  Afterwards, when I was going through them, I noticed that there were some that were good, but the focus was a little off, they were some OK shots, but definitely didn’t hold a candle to the few where the focus seemed clear and concise.

I downloaded them to my computer, and opened a program to see what I could do to make them a little better, and the thought occurred to me that it would be so much easier if I understood what makes some of the pictures come out better than others, so that I wouldn’t have to go back and try to fix them later, they would just automatically be good.  I decided that the problem was put simply… focus. The thought actually made me chuckle a little, as an alternate meaning for that statement entered my mind.

Ah, Focus..  isn’t it interesting!

How many things in our lives would be easier and would make far more sense if we had a adequate focus.  If we correctly identified what part of the “big picture” is important, what things we should actually be working on, and no longer wasted time  hmming and haaing over unimportant details.  There are so many blurry issues in our day to day as it stands.  Much of our daily pains and frustrations we cause ourselves because we are focusing on the incorrect part of a problem.  I wonder what a different place this world would be if we challenged ourselves to have clearer focus.

this one’s my favorite 🙂

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An Ocean of Emotion

An Ocean of Emotion… its a good thing that I don’t drink.

I didn’t sign up for this..   really!  But then if we were allowed to only experience that which we “signed up for”, then we would be left with pretty uneventful, mind numbingly boring and far less opportunities for enlightenment I suppose.

This is not where I saw myself a year ago. I was actually thinking that by this time I’d be slowing down, not speeding up. I surely didn’t think I’d be the sole breadwinner at this point. I mistakenly thought that I’d be given the chance to focus a little more on keeping my MS in check, as I can’t seem to figure out exactly how the neurologist thing all really works.  I’m not sure I’ve been given a good example. I haven’t been impressed so far. Year 2, and still the most helpful things I’ve found, have been things that I’ve come up with through my own research, not so much from the neurologist’s mouth.  All he seems to be able to offer, is to for me to take medicine that he only has a guess in how it might benefit my disease.

I am thankful, and lucky to have insurance through my work, but I still can’t seem to get the medical bills under control, and the outlook only seems to get worse.  (I’m sure it will be fine, I’m just exhausted and frustrated at the moment. )

It amazes me how many loopholes there seem to be, so that things that are insisted by some doctors,  still isn’t covered, or at least isn’t covered enough to where you can even afford to pay the portion that isn’t. To me it seems like such a clear sign of the poor shape of our healthcare system is in when everything costs so much, that you still can’t afford the 20% or 30% that your insurance didn’t include. When a single test comes back with the 30% still costing more than you make in a month, I think there is a clear and present issue! Am I the only one that feels this way?

I hear people banter over healthcare reform, and I never felt so alone in my view. Why are we so selfish? Why do people not want the best we can do for the majority, instead of only the few? If you care about others, it seems you are “unpatriotic” and “unAmerican”, and other such nonesence.  Personally, I think its “unpatriotic” to not do what is best for the majority of our citizens, If I am this frustrated, and feeling this lost, then I can only imagine what people in far worse situations than I am, are feeling when it comes to all this.

I feel so lost sometimes…  I can’t sleep, and I’m  just so tired and don’t have the energy.  Time to pray I guess,  and ask God to loan me some more.

This too shall pass….. This too shall pass….   This too shall pass…