Searching in the dark

Sometimes the darkness seems overwhelming,  Its cold, and lonely and difficult to breathe, difficult to think, and just plain difficult.  I sit in the dark, trying to figure my way out. Tired and diminished, and scared,  I sit in darkness. Unidentified sounds all around, I feel paralyzed by my own fear and emotions, so upset that even the tears that fall, no longer seem to help. Sadness and pain expressed but not healing… Where do I go?

Instinctively, I had drawn myself in deeper and deeper into my shell, in an attempt to protect myself from this unknown, and the darkness that surrounds me.  Retreating inwards, but this only seems to put more and more distance between me and my goals. Am I ever to reach them?

One small step.. I begin searching, for some small glimpse of hope.. something… anything.  Blindly feeling for a way out of this mess.. How can I possibly find my way? Yet I know if I stay where I am, that I will lose.  I do the near impossible, for what I need to do seems quite counter productive, yet it is the only thing I haven’t tried.  In trying to protect myself, I’ve retreated so far within myself.

It is time to find the way out.  I struggle to pull myself outward,  relenting myself to what I’ve previously viewed as allowing myself to be  far too exposed..  vulnerable even.  As this happens I begin to experience a small sense of feeling return to where I’ve only felt numb.  Life slowly once again inspires my extremities as I blindly search for a glimmer of hope.

With the ability to feel beginning to resurface, my fingers feel out a bump on the wall..  curiosity slowly comes forth to replace where apathy and hopelessness once resided.  Curiosity propels me to further explore.  In that exploration, it is suddenly understood that this “bump” is actually a switch.

A small sense of courage finds its way into my heart. A dearly missed friend, I take a leap of faith and flip the switch. This small change in myself, this small aspect… can make such a huge change in direction.

As the switch flips, a small lamp in my self made prison lights up. All of the sudden I can start to make out the origins of the sounds that had paralyzed me.  In awe I look around, the room is filled with many people, many souls.  I had never really been alone, it was in effort of self protection that I had distanced my self so far from reality. My perceptions altered by my emotional fear.

In this room, I gaze upon so many who are experiencing their own pain, some have let themselves slip so far, that they are no longer outwardly present enough to be aware of their personal joys around them. They too have retreated so far, that they are oblivious to their own blessings, and have imprisoned themselves in their own darkness, despite the light that I now can see around them.  Tears fall as I realize that I understand what they are feeling. It tears at my heart.  I notice a small few who walk around, trying their hardest to wake these other tortured souls. Trying to bring them out of themselves enough so that they can find their courage and the way out of their personal despair. This work is difficult and often it is beyond them to know for sure if their attempt has been helpful, but they keep going out of hope.

It occurs to me, that on an individual level, where we find our strength and courage, and whatever small trigger that inspires it, is unique and special for each of us.  If we do not allow ourselves to be in a position to be inspired, then even the greatest action by another can be useless.   In the end,  our mental, spiritual, and sometimes even physical well being is dependent on our attitudes, and where we let our version of reality take form.  The best thing we can do for ourselves is to frequently  evaluate our perception of reality.

It is always a personal choice. The strength we seek comes from within ourselves, but is not the same place that so many of us retreat to in difficult times.  Know what is driving you, if it is fear, then you have entered the wrong sanctuary inside yourself.  Have the courage to move yourself out of that hole, and  allow hope in your life.

~by Serina Clason 8/11/09   – a small essay I want to include in my collection of writings for my kids.  What do you think?..

copyright 2009

2 thoughts on “Searching in the dark”

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