To send… or not to send.. opinion’s welcome

First off, I apologize for the not very fun nature of my last post. It probably doesn’t make for very fun reading, but I have to say that it has been extremely helpful if for nothing else to get it off of my chest. Thank you for putting up with me.. 🙂

I have crafted a letter of forgiveness to send to my parents, and now the dilemma is whither or not to actually send it. I have a close friend who thinks I shouldn’t send it, that I should just forgive and move on. Understanding that if I send it, they will most likely take it the wrong way, and it will open up further problems.

The pro with this is that I wouldn’t have to do anything further, and I could just move on my own. The con I see is that I think I would actually feel guilty for never communicating my true feelings, and never giving them any insight or anything to think about in future dealings. I don’t think they are evil, I just really think they are clueless and don’t think that far to realize.

Another friend/family member that thinks I should definitely send it, because it is then closure for me on the subject, and that it really doesn’t matter if they take it wrong, as it can’t really get any worse than it is right now. They may be mad at me “forgiving” them, but that I will have let them know where I stand, and there will be no question. It will really be in their court if or when they would like to be a part of our lives.

The pro with this is that I will have laid everything on the table, It will give them to at least the opportunity to try and understand (if they want to) when I’ve reacted, why I’ve reacted the way I have, and hopefully instilling a little more thoughtfulness that even if they never want to resolve anything with me, that they may take consideration when dealing with my youngest sister as they have expressed a definite interest in mending that relationship.

The con would be that yes, most likely they will take it personal, as they do most things, and they may not want to talk to me anymore (but that isn’t much different than it is now)

So I’m a little torn. I can see both sides… As much healing for both sides is what I want to encourage… What would you do?

One thought on “To send… or not to send.. opinion’s welcome”

  1. I will cast my vote with not sending it.

    From what I can tell from your difficult (but cathartic?) posts, your parents will filter any outreach of yours, however honest and sincere, to meet their hardened beliefs and opinions. I think the change you hope for will be more likely to come bit by bit – as they see your family grow up in a loving, supportive environment, than through any single revelation presented to them.

    I think the letter of forgiveness belongs with you. It needs to be your touchstone that is pulled out when the bitterness starts to overwhelm you, or you feel drawn back into the dark of blame and barbs. It needs to be the different path that you take, the one you were never shown.

    As much as you want closure, you can’t really ever get it. I’m afraid if you chase it you will always feel that you come up short. It seems better (to me anyway) to re-frame the relationship through your forgiveness, and your resolve to be to your own children what you never felt for yourself.

    Maybe, maybe, they will see the value of relationships in the way you are modeling: hurtful words do not escalate, status is not elevated by standing on others, attention to others is not a threat to oneself, and self-doubt is not deflected into criticism. If they do, they can partake more and more in the life of your family. If they choose stay in a place of resentment, that is their loss.

    Wow, tough stuff. You’ve got lots of supportive friends though, no matter what you do.

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