Quick Update first. I drove out after work yesterday to look at the progress with the foundation for the house. It looks like they are in the process of putting in 3 different foundations at the same time. It makes sense because it will be easier to do it now, than after our house is built. In driving out there I met our neighbor across the street. Her name is Shelly, and she seemed extremely nice. I’m very excited.
So a couple different things this week has really spoke to me. In Ann Borough’s Book I’m reading, She talks about identifying and changing our own belief systems. Belief systems are what is held as internalized ideals in your subconcious. I think anyone would agree that self-worth is a big issue for a lot of people. In her book, she stresses the importance of healing those internal conflicts in conjunction with healing your body.
I know that self-worth is an issue that I struggle with. Weither it was intentional or not – growing up, attitudes and actions of those around me shaped a the mentality that I was only worth anything, if I could “do” something for someone. This as you can imagine can cause further conflicts if you are physically limited at times.
Anything I participated in school, while from the outside would have been viewed as being “my” activity, all ended up being really for my parents sake not my own, and it was expected that I do well for them. Even things that originally began as “mine” like the Danceteam – my mother eventually claimed. To the point that my Father once lectured me all the way home from a competition because I should have made it more enjoyable for my Mother.
My clubs and extracurricular activities were really all just another aspect of doing the things they expected of me. Don’t get me wrong, while FFA was required club to anyone living at our home, and while it wasn’t my favorite activity, I did enjoy the times we would have events that took us away to overnight adventures in different parts of the state. Places I most likely would have never visited otherwise… like.. Hermiston..
My father always used to say that we should be giving our mother presents on our birthday. I can identify with the sentiment of that, but had always kind of thought of it as a tounge-in-cheek comment on his part. I remember the birthday that I realized he had been serious.
Anyway.. I digress because I actually didn’t intend on going into all that. The point is, even if not intentionally, I have had this internal belief that I only had value in what I could do for others, and that honestly… I don’t count. This is an example of something I need to work on changing. It takes a while because as Ann writes in her book, even if my conscious mind “gets it”, its whats ingrained in my subconscious that matters. Kind of a “knowing” vs. “truly believing” situation. Things like meditation and affirmation can help there according to her.
The other couple things that have spoke to me, is that in listening thru past “Celebration Services” online (from my church) there have been a few other quotations that have just struck me, and that I believe will help me release this old belief system.
In one sermon, the pastor spoke on “Why Children need Parents” (can click on link and scroll down to find this audio). The verses they went off of was Ephesians 6:4 – “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” as well as Proverbs 22:6 “Train a child in the way they should go and even when he is old, he will not turn from it”
It was interesting to hear that in the Pastor’s view, God really is wanting the children to be brought up the way that the child as an individual should be raised. Not to push them into being our idea of what they should be. Helpful to me in the realization that even if my parents veiw me as a failure, I don’t have to. I didn’t turn out the way they wanted, but Its ok.., because I wasn’t meant to fulfill their certain expectations, I was meant for whatever God had intended for me.
Another sermon I listened to (I’ll try and find it again and post the link later). Talked about the fact that God is not up in heaven “wringing his hands” because we as individuals are not perfect. So if God is not lamenting over me being imperfect, and making mistakes, then really I shouldn’t be constantly beating myself up over what “I should have done” differently. Live, learn, and move on. In Ann’s Book, she also touched on the idea that we should not dwell in the past, and try to live in the present.
While I know these are all concepts that should be common sense, I think they are ideas that I need to commit to not only “knowing” of, but getting my subconsious to “truly believe” them, and learn to be ok with myself as I am… MS and all.