A strong stance is what I want in dealing with this disease. I don’t want to be weak in the face of my adversary.
I want to be able to cry, and then move on – not cry again later – yet this is what I frequently seem to do lately. Its not even images of wheelchairs, canes, that bother me. I don’t know if its even realizations that things aren’t going to ever be the way I had imagined my life from here on out, because who am I to think that what I had in mind was what would have happened anyway… right? Its not my plan that matters, its God’s… right? I know all this, and yet here I am, sitting here raining tears. Why? does it help to cry? Doesn’t seem like the first 100 times helped? So why am I doing it again? It doesn’t change anything, yet here I am repeating the cycle.
Hopefully without sounding too crazy I’ll explain further. There are two sides to me always, in every instance. Every thought and decision is brought before two distinct and very different parts of the person that makes up “me”. There is a logical, sensible one who is the researcher, student, planner, organizer, and plain common sense holder. Then standing right along side is this extremely Emotional, overly sensitive person, who weighs feelings and other such things. Each side will put in their two cents and my plan of action will be formed. My logical side keeps me out of trouble, and my sensitive side keeps me empathetic and human. Both have their purpose, and usually both will work together to get my mind & heart to a place where it needs to be to grow and move on. …. so why am I stuck? I can usually sit and rationalize, and make a little bit of sense out of almost any situation.
I have a plan.. to do what I can to be better…. to continue to research, and make my body healthy in the only way I have control over. I’m researching, I bought yet another book, this one talking about detoxifying my body.. and yet… here I am… and why?
I wish I could just get myself to the point where its all accepted and understood – not accepted is in giving up, or giving into just letting this disease rule me – but accepted as in understanding what is the right next step.
Then the logical part of me comes into play asking why am I acting the way I am? There are hundreds of thousands of people dealing with MS, and many in far worse scenerio’s than mine. Many I’m sure that wish they were at the stage I am, that wish their only real issues were altered sensations in their legs and a left hand/arm that can’t feel reliably and sometimes doesn’t do as its told. I “have it made” in some veiws, so whats the problem? I should be thankful I’m only as bad as I am, and if I don’t knock off this crying about it, then I’ll only make myself worse.
Thing is…. I’m not even sure why I cry… I don’t really know why I’m crying.. and yet the tears rain down.
“Let the rain of what I feel right now come down… let the rain come down” Into the Ocean – Blue October
OK so then cry…. but then let it be done! I no longer want tears so close to the surface. I don’t want to be so emotional.. and to the point where I can’t even pinpoint what exactly is the issue.
Maybe I’m just tired…