A strong stance….

A strong stance is what I want in dealing with this disease. I don’t want to be weak in the face of my adversary.

 I want to be able to cry, and then move on – not cry again later –  yet this is what I frequently seem to do lately.  Its not even images of wheelchairs, canes, that bother me.  I don’t know if its even realizations that things aren’t going to ever be the way I had imagined my life from here on out, because who am I to think that what I had in mind was what would have happened anyway… right?  Its not my plan that matters, its God’s… right? I know all this, and yet here I am, sitting here raining tears.  Why? does it help to cry? Doesn’t seem like the first 100 times helped?  So why am I doing it again? It doesn’t change anything, yet here I am repeating the cycle.

Hopefully without sounding too crazy I’ll explain further. There are two sides to me always, in every instance. Every thought and decision is brought before two distinct and very different parts of the person that makes up “me”.  There is a logical, sensible one who is the researcher, student, planner, organizer, and plain common sense holder. Then standing right along side is this extremely Emotional, overly sensitive person, who weighs feelings and other such things. Each side will put in their two cents and my plan of action will be formed. My logical side keeps me out of trouble, and my sensitive side keeps me empathetic and human. Both have their purpose, and usually both will work together to get my mind & heart to a place where it needs to be to grow and move on. …. so why am I stuck?  I can usually sit and rationalize, and make a little bit of sense out of almost any situation.

I have a plan.. to do what I can to be better…. to continue to research, and make my body healthy in the only way I have control over. I’m researching, I bought yet another book, this one talking about detoxifying my body.. and yet… here I am… and why?

 I wish I could just get myself to the point where its all accepted and understood – not accepted is in giving up,  or giving into just letting this disease rule me – but accepted as in understanding what  is the right next step.

Then the logical part of me comes into play asking why am I acting the way I am? There are hundreds of thousands of people dealing with MS, and many in far worse scenerio’s than mine. Many I’m sure that wish they were at the stage I am, that wish their only real issues were altered sensations in their legs and a left hand/arm that can’t feel reliably and sometimes doesn’t do as its told. I “have it made” in some veiws, so whats the problem? I should be thankful I’m only as bad as I am, and if I don’t knock off this crying about it, then I’ll only make myself worse.

Thing is…. I’m not even sure why I cry… I don’t really know why I’m crying.. and yet the tears rain down.

“Let the rain of what I feel right now come down… let the rain come down” Into the Ocean – Blue October

OK so then cry…. but then let it be done! I no longer want tears so close to the surface. I don’t want to be so emotional.. and to the point where I can’t even pinpoint what exactly is the issue.

Maybe I’m just tired…

5 thoughts on “A strong stance….”

  1. Serina,

    I wish I had some sage words of wisdom for you. But here’s an observation. I envision emotions as being on a cyclical staircase. From one angle they may appear to be going round and round without end. From another angle they seem to be progressing without explanation of revisiting the same emotions again and again. It’s also like an Escher image where relative perception is always changing.

    Reading into your words, it sounds like your emotional side is also logical in that it “weighs feelings.” Perhaps the purely raw emotional side is revealing itself which can be perplexing and frightening. I have found that simply acknowledging emotions serves to lessen their negative power. By talking and writing about it, you are allowing it to be released into the universe so that it doesn’t eat into you.

    And please don’t fret about not having MS bad enough. Your symptoms are very real and certainly affect you. Don’t feel guilty at all. I think this is probably one of the universal, unspoken emotions which MSers don’t discuss much. The guilt felt for not being crippled, for being able to see, etc. Emotions don’t really behave logically, although we might hope they did. And if you’re tired,then logic takes the back seat and lets emotions drive. The result can be a scary ride.

    I hope that just putting your thoughts and feelings into words helps to dilute them. You are in my thoughts.

  2. Sometimes our lesions also are in spots that lead us into depression. I’m not an advocate for depression meds but maybe you should get checked out…
    On the other hand, I think it is normal to let this diagnoses upset you. I know it scares and upsets me at times. Sometimes I cry a lot and I’m not clinically depressed. I actually wrote about this on my blog yesterday. The idea that there is something wrong in my brain really troubles me. Whatever you come to, I find I do best by living entirely in the moment. When I get outside the moment and allow myself to worry, things get much worse.

  3. It took awhile to process the diagnosis of MS. I still am trying actually. Also, I had a really hard time feeling comfortable with grieving…over not being able to take my health for granted anymore. Even when my symptoms are obvious, I still battle with denial that it is really MS. Acceptance is the hardest part for me.
    Right now it is what it is and where ever you are at emotionally is ok. If there are tears a plenty, let them come. (I know that Blue October Song and have cried my eyes out to it.) Writing about it is a healthy way of coping, so is crying; just don’t keep it inside. You are definitely not alone in the tear department.

    This too shall pass.

  4. I go through the same battle in my mind about having MS. Some day I am so positive and powerful that nothing will stop me. Those are the day when I live with the mantra “I have MS, MS doesn’t have me!”

    Then there are the times where I go to the dark side of MS. Those are the times when I am bed ridden, cognitive function is difficult at best and the tears won’t go away. They just happen.

    For those who aren’t a member of this selective club, it’s hard for them to understand the emotions, the sensations the symptoms. You try giving them descriptions of exactly what’s going on but it is so misunderstood…More tears

    And then, there are those who mean well and offer to do so much for you but it’s only a reminder of the things you aren’t capable of at the present time. More tears…

    It can be isolating when you can’t leave the house, you fall asleep without realizing it and it takes too much energy just to breathe…again, more tears…

    I’m there with you sister! We’re only human. We need our time of sorrow in order to build ourselves back up again. I think the world feels better when they think we are so strong about how we face MS head on. If we weren’t that strong, doing all we can do to feel better, deal with the disease, and live the best life we can, the world wouldn’t know what to do.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s