Some thoughts…

Quick Update first. I drove out after work yesterday to look at the progress with the foundation for the house. It looks like they are in the process of putting in 3 different foundations at the same time. It makes sense because it will be easier to do it now, than after our house is built. In driving out there I met our neighbor across the street. Her name is Shelly, and she seemed extremely nice. I’m very excited.

Some thoughts…

So a couple different things this week has really spoke to me.  In Ann Borough’s Book I’m reading, She talks about identifying and changing our own belief systems. Belief systems are what is held as internalized ideals in your subconcious. I think anyone would agree that self-worth is a big issue for a lot of people. In her book, she stresses the importance of healing those internal conflicts in conjunction with healing your body.

I know that self-worth is an issue that I struggle with. Weither it was intentional or not – growing up, attitudes and actions of those around me shaped a the mentality that I was only worth anything, if I could “do” something for someone. This as you can imagine can cause further conflicts if you are physically limited at times. 

Anything I participated in school, while from the outside would have been viewed as being “my” activity, all ended up being really for my parents sake not my own,  and it was expected that I do well for them. Even things that originally began as “mine” like the Danceteam – my mother eventually claimed. To the point that my Father once lectured me all the way home from a competition because I should have made it more enjoyable for my Mother.

My clubs and extracurricular activities were really all just another aspect of doing the things they expected of me. Don’t get me wrong, while FFA was required club to anyone living at our home, and while it wasn’t my favorite activity, I did enjoy the times we would have events that took us away to overnight adventures in different parts of the state. Places I most likely would have never visited otherwise… like.. Hermiston..

My father always used to say that we should be giving our mother presents on our birthday. I can identify with the sentiment of that, but had always kind of thought of it as a tounge-in-cheek comment on his part. I remember the birthday that I realized he had been serious.

Anyway.. I digress because I actually didn’t intend on going into all that.  The point is, even if not intentionally, I have had this internal belief that I only had value in what I could do for others, and that honestly… I don’t count. This is an example of something I need to work on changing. It takes a while because as Ann writes in her book, even if my conscious mind “gets it”, its whats ingrained in my subconscious that matters. Kind of a “knowing” vs. “truly believing” situation. Things like meditation and affirmation can help there according to her.

The other couple things that have spoke to me, is that in listening thru past “Celebration Services” online (from my church) there have been a few other quotations that have just struck me, and that I believe will help me release this old belief system.

In one sermon, the pastor spoke on “Why Children need Parents” (can click on link and scroll down to find this audio).  The verses they went off of was  Ephesians 6:4 – “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” as well as Proverbs 22:6 “Train a child in the way they should go and even when he is old,  he will not turn from it”

It was interesting to hear that in the Pastor’s view, God really is wanting the children to be brought up the way that the child as an individual should be raised. Not to push them into being our idea of what they should be. Helpful to me in the realization that even if my parents veiw me as a failure, I don’t have to. I didn’t turn out the way they wanted, but Its ok.., because I wasn’t meant to fulfill their certain expectations, I was meant for whatever God had intended for me.

Another sermon I listened to (I’ll try and find it again and post the link later). Talked about the fact that God is not up in heaven “wringing his hands” because we as individuals are not perfect. So if God is not lamenting over me being imperfect, and making mistakes, then really I shouldn’t be constantly beating myself up over what “I should have done” differently. Live, learn, and move on. In Ann’s Book, she also touched on the idea that we should not dwell in the past, and try to live in the present.

While I know these are all concepts that should be common sense, I think they are ideas that I need to commit to not only “knowing” of, but getting my subconsious to “truly believe” them, and learn to be ok with myself as I am… MS and all.

Haiden Psoriasis Update

Since a picture is worth 1000 words.. here is the update on how my son’s psoriasis is fairing..
Removed: Dairy, Wheat, Gluten, Red Meat from his diet
Treatments: a zinc cream for the first two months, 2 weeks of a steroid salve in June, and since then only Sunlight and lots of moisturizing creams (generally baby creams for sensitive skin).

April 16 2008
April 16 2008
June 7 2008
June 7 2008
June 22 2008
June 22 2008
July 24, 2008
July 24, 2008

Its definitely looking better..

Irony in life…

Funny story, least to me. Really shouldn’t post this on the grounds it may incriminate me later, but it made me giggle a little – which actually surprised me. I take it as a sign that hopefully I’m getting to a better place in dealing with some old baggage.

I’ll set-up the scene for you a little. I recently found on my Church’s website that I can listen to past “Celebration Services”  online.  I was happy to find this because I’m finding that the extra encouragement helps my day. So I’ve started listening to them while I work, which funny enough, has an added bonus of helping me focus and get things done.  

So I’m listening to one this morning, and the speaker in this one says a quote that I instantly think.. I need to write that one down because it struck me as an interesting view. His quote was “An Excuse is a reason.. stuffed with a lie” as soon as he finishes uttering the quote, my phone rings, so I pause the message, and answer my phone.

It’s my Mother.. And she’s calling me to say that they most likely won’t make the “Ground Blessing” for the house, because they are going to be at the County Fair. They will most likely be helping take things down that day… lol.

I told her it was fine, as honestly – I really didn’t think they would come anyway, as the relationship there has been a very stressed one for many years.

Now in all fairness, I’m sure they are probably helping take down the fair that day, but the timing was so perfect, and really made me laugh when I got off of the phone.

alternative meanings for “MS”

MS means so many different things to many people. My husband will often think of alternative things that MS could stand for… some of them are very applicable, and some are just funny, and some I won’t post here.. lol. I’ll throw out a few here, and lets see how many of you can come up with additional ones. If you think of one, write it in a comment.

“Mega Stressful”
“Mind Self” in regards to “Mending Self”
“Myelin Sheath”
“My Stressor” but I need to work on “Managing Stress” more effectively
“Mobility Suppressor”
“Moving Slower”
“Minimal Solutions”
“Meal Sensitivities”
“Mental Shock”

… ok, your turn, lets see what you come up with

Cute Pictures

I’ve always loved photos. I’ve always thought that some day I would love to delve into the world of photography. Tonight, In messing around with an old camera that someone had given us, I found the Memory Chip, and was completely delighted when I put it into my camera that I got for Christmas last year, and it worked! Woot! I can take more than 9 pictures at a time now! lol…  Not only that but I was now able to download the old pictures that were on that memory.

Here are a few samples…


Above: This is our very sweet dog Bailey!

Muriel & Trevor (and Mickey the dog)
Muriel & Trevor (and Mickey the dog)

Above: This is my sister and her husband Trevor.  I think this was taken not too long after they got married almost two years ago. The Dog is “Mickey” – he is Trevor’s Mother Suzanne’s Dog.

Haiden & Kylan
Haiden & Kylan

Above: Probably two years ago – wow they’ve really grown in the past year, they look so little here…

Habitat Update

Most of you know that we had put in an application to Habitat for Humanity, and was blessed to be chosen this past June as one of the partner families.
At a meeting tonight, we found out that they will be starting on our foundation this next week, and the foundation should be in by time we have the “Ground Blessing” on August 3rd.

We also figured out which side our house was going to be on as well as what the actual address will be.  Our home will be a common wall townhouse. It will actually be very close to the brand new school being built here in town. I was able to view the plans last night as well, it was exciting to see. It is three bedroom 2 bathroom (although I’m not sure that both are full bathrooms).

 We have 500 hours that Deon and I are required to put in for sweat equity towards our new home. There is a certain percentage of that can be donated by friends and family.

We are very happy to begin this new chapter of our lives and are glad to be able to share this blessing with you all.

Crazy E-mail forwards

Working for an Internet company for the past 8 years, I realize my awareness on the subject might be heightened a little more than the average computer user. That being said, it still drives me abosolutely crazy when people forward me these stupidly insane messages that they get all hyped up and upset over, without even checking to see if its real or someone’s imagination run-a-muck.

“I read it in an e-mail, so it must be true?” – is this where our society is now?

Usually headed by remarks like: “I’m never buying at “X” store again!” or “You won’t believe what Politican “Y” is involved in!” or even more “So-in-so’s wife did this”

Its amazing to me how quick people take on strong opinions on matters they know so close to nothing about. All the sudden they have a stand in the issue because of someone else sent out a false, or even worse, a patially true statement that has been twisted far beyond the original meaning or happening. A statement who’s only purpose is to fling mud, insight riots, and negative thoughts and actions. Aren’t we all tired of this? Don’t we already get our surpassed quota of negativity in any given day? hour for that matter?

The other thing I realize is how completely gullible and naive we can be as a society when it comes to seeing a statement in print. Written word seems to have this power of persuasion over so many. “Someone typed it up,… looks official, so it must be true!”

There is an individual that sends me the most stupid e-mails. All tend to be discriminatory, hate-inspiring crap! They don’t realize that they are just spreading more untruth, and more negativity in the world. The sad thing is, even if I tried to explain it to them, I still don’t think they’d get it. So maybe I should just consider the source and block their e-mail address..

I beg everyone to be conscientious when you forward a message. In fact, I challenge everyone to really think before you forward anything. Ask yourself a few questions..

#1. What is the purpose of this e-mail? Is it to actually educate, or is it based on mud slinging propaganda? Is the message of the e-mail politically/racially/discrimnatory charged? Does it cater to more gossip and rumor type of things?  Take this into consideration – there is far too much negativity out in the world as it is. If its not something valid, or even if the only reason you want to forward it is because it is attached to a cute poem.. feel free to delete the garbage and only send the poem! Your friends will be appreciative.

#2. Is it true? Can it be verified by a valid source, or even better – a couple of valid sources? And I believe this “valid source” should be more than just some extremist’s website. I will remind you, any idiot can register a domain name and put up a page. If that wasn’t the case, then we’d have far less websites online. The Internet is not censored, nor does it have any regulated guidelines, so Yay! for free speech! However keep in mind that it is what it is… free speech, meaning that anyone can say anything they want pretty much, it doesn’t necessarily mean that it is true. 

Also consider the idea that a statement may have been totally taken out of context. This happens quite a lot. How many times have you said something only to have a loved one take it totally the wrong way? This happens to all of us. Even those with bright lights and camera’s constantly in their faces.  I really believe that even e-mails that are mostly true, can be as damaging (if not more) than those that are totally false, so be thoughtful when you forward an e-mail on.

Quote of my day….

Every once in awhile, you hear a phrase or a quote that will just really hit home. One year a few years back, it was my New Years Resolution to everyday write down a good meaningful quote, with the idea that at the end of the year, I’d have written documentaion of a years worth of wisdom. As with many New Years resolutions, it didn’t quite end up happening.

Quotes are such fun things though. You never know when all the sudden, one will apply more to you then it had in the past. Its something that you may have heard, or seen a thousand times in the past, but it isn’t until your heart and mind are in the right place, that  it all the sudden means so much more and makes so much more sense.

Have you ever told someone something only to have them say “You silly, I’m the one that told you that/about that a while back”. Lessons and Ideas can be covered over and over again, but until we are at a place where our hearts and minds are ready to listen, it will not be learned. The whole cannot teach a horse to drink adage, but its so true… but I digress…

This particular entry is all because I heard (or re-heard) a quote today that for whatever reason, really mades extra sense to me today, and I wanted to share.. lol

So my thought for the day is…. (*drumroll*)

“Nothing that matters is ever easy”

A night of my own?

My sister’s mother-in-law invited the kids to come spend the night tonight. The kids were very excited, you’d think they were leaving for camp or something.. lol. We got them all packed and dropped them off this morning and went on to work as usual.  However, now it now occurs to me that I have before me one of those very rare occasions, that maybe has happened twice in the past 11 years. (This being #2).

I have a night of my own.  My husband Deon will be at work, and kids will all be  “camping” lol.

So it brings to mind a good question.. What should I do? There won’t be any poignant conversations on dinner choices, no breaking up small arguments, no watching kid movies, video games,  or listening to the kid’s songs.

Surely I shouldn’t waste this opportunity. It seems like I should do something spectacular, but maybe even just even being able to enjoy the peace and quiet will be enough of a treat. To stay in or go out? That is the question.  Most likely I’ll be home and read my new book I bought. Hey! I could scrapbook!… Ohh the possibilities are endless.. (well not endless, but you understand.. lol)

A strong stance….

A strong stance is what I want in dealing with this disease. I don’t want to be weak in the face of my adversary.

 I want to be able to cry, and then move on – not cry again later –  yet this is what I frequently seem to do lately.  Its not even images of wheelchairs, canes, that bother me.  I don’t know if its even realizations that things aren’t going to ever be the way I had imagined my life from here on out, because who am I to think that what I had in mind was what would have happened anyway… right?  Its not my plan that matters, its God’s… right? I know all this, and yet here I am, sitting here raining tears.  Why? does it help to cry? Doesn’t seem like the first 100 times helped?  So why am I doing it again? It doesn’t change anything, yet here I am repeating the cycle.

Hopefully without sounding too crazy I’ll explain further. There are two sides to me always, in every instance. Every thought and decision is brought before two distinct and very different parts of the person that makes up “me”.  There is a logical, sensible one who is the researcher, student, planner, organizer, and plain common sense holder. Then standing right along side is this extremely Emotional, overly sensitive person, who weighs feelings and other such things. Each side will put in their two cents and my plan of action will be formed. My logical side keeps me out of trouble, and my sensitive side keeps me empathetic and human. Both have their purpose, and usually both will work together to get my mind & heart to a place where it needs to be to grow and move on. …. so why am I stuck?  I can usually sit and rationalize, and make a little bit of sense out of almost any situation.

I have a plan.. to do what I can to be better…. to continue to research, and make my body healthy in the only way I have control over. I’m researching, I bought yet another book, this one talking about detoxifying my body.. and yet… here I am… and why?

 I wish I could just get myself to the point where its all accepted and understood – not accepted is in giving up,  or giving into just letting this disease rule me – but accepted as in understanding what  is the right next step.

Then the logical part of me comes into play asking why am I acting the way I am? There are hundreds of thousands of people dealing with MS, and many in far worse scenerio’s than mine. Many I’m sure that wish they were at the stage I am, that wish their only real issues were altered sensations in their legs and a left hand/arm that can’t feel reliably and sometimes doesn’t do as its told. I “have it made” in some veiws, so whats the problem? I should be thankful I’m only as bad as I am, and if I don’t knock off this crying about it, then I’ll only make myself worse.

Thing is…. I’m not even sure why I cry… I don’t really know why I’m crying.. and yet the tears rain down.

“Let the rain of what I feel right now come down… let the rain come down” Into the Ocean – Blue October

OK so then cry…. but then let it be done! I no longer want tears so close to the surface. I don’t want to be so emotional.. and to the point where I can’t even pinpoint what exactly is the issue.

Maybe I’m just tired…