I’ve always sort of hoarded the option of my vacation time. Its pretty easy to justify, especially when you have any kind of ill, and very little money. Its simple to tell yourself “I can’t afford to do anything anyway, so why take a vacation” Because of that I have successfully kept my vacation time accumulated with the thought that it will be there to be used if something serious and unforeseen happens.

I came to a conclusion. The fear of what could be is quickly able to pervade, imprinting parts of  itself in any potential from what actually is.  Its like a virus.  I realized that following suit to how I’ve been operating, all time that is supposed to be allotted for replenishing energy and revitalizing my soul making me stronger, is instead stored in a closet and only brought into play for the use of merely staying afloat. It’s like being in constant maintenance mode and not entering the next growth cycle.  Living in hibernation where the main  purpose is to simply survive and nothing more.  At that point you aren’t living life, merely maintaining it.

I realized that is where I’ve been and that is what is wrong. I also realized that in making a decision to do something, so that I can live with myself and the quality of my small impact on this world, that others may not at all agree with what I feel I need to do. It is in those cases that I must make the decision to agree to disagree instead of just bending to their plans out of a desire to keep the peace. Peace keeping is a noble affair, but I should not attempt to consistently tip-toe and protect the feelings of everyone at the cost of my own self worth. If they truly love me, they should be able to understand why I need to deviate from the normal course, stretching my own wings occasionally. If they call themselves my friend then they should already understand that nothing I do is ever out of personal malice. If they don’t know that about me, and can’t find it in themselves to be my friend when I need it, then they probably weren’t my friend to begin with and I have lost nothing, only gained insight as to what is true.

I have a desire to be “responsible” in all aspects, but I now believe I had sort of gone overboard to an unhealthy level. I really need moderation, I need to be ok with imperfection in myself and understand that in order to give and become my best, it means that sometimes I will have to deal with myself first, and that isn’t being selfish. I desperately need to understand that it is ok occasionally to pursue the things that let you feel good about who you are.  Constantly playing it safe and bending to other’s wants and will isn’t always the right choice. Always playing it safe may let you avoid much discourse, but not all. It leaves your own being sheltered in the shadows of others barely surviving. Nothing about life comes in a neat little package.  Everyone’s perceptions can be flawed by a vantage point and in reality smoke doesn’t always mean fire. Unanswered prayers are often best.  I need to learn that just because others aren’t supportive, doesn’t mean I am doing something wrong, it can sometimes just mean their focus is a little to overly sensitive and centered on a small piece of a much bigger picture.

Only a fool deems themselves above the nature of all that is. A contrary notion it is, that constant protection would actually serve to weaken rather than protect.  In truth small seeds thrive with more vigor  when strewn among a seemingly hostile  bed of grey ash and left to the elements. So it is too that people find growth and enlightenment in their own struggles, not in times of comfort.

Saving everything for a rainy day, and following suit with limiting yourself to doing only that which everyone else expects of you in order to support their ego, does little to really make life worth living. It is through moderation… through fair give and take…. and  allowing an occasional step outside of the norm that we find the our own potential.

Then he proceeds to tell me that he got punched in the chest… “but its ok Mom”, he says “I used the tactic you told me to make him stop and he did.” …… um.. what do you say to that? .. “Yay” just doesn’t seem quite fitting. I know teachers can’t be everywhere, and see everything, but its frustrating that this happens to any kid. I guess I’m glad he’s starting to stand up for himself, and that he was able to deal with it on his own and the kid stopped, but geeze.

It’s so frustrating, I don’t remember middle school being my favorite time, but I never had to deal with some of the crap that my kids are having too. Uncharted ground for sure… Very frustrating!

I don’t even remember 8th graders looking that put together when I was a kid. Yes, we’d dress up, but I never remember even my most fashionable friends looking so much like young adults. At best we looked like kids in grown up version clothes.

Its simple observations like this that just prove to me how much influence society has on our kids even at a very young age. Our kids spend a full time job amount of time away from us each week (sometimes more). I think we forget that sometimes. We think we have a good handle of what is going on their lives, just because they live in our home, and come home each night and don’t tell us about anything that is going wrong for them.

Once we realized that our kids aren’t just “our kids”, and start treating them like people who have their own dreams and fears, then is when we are given the opportunity to really get to know them. Talk with them, ask about their day, show some real interest. Even if you are “busy” it only takes a few minutes, and nothing is more important to a kid then knowing where they stand, and that they can depend on you when things get hard.

Just like how they have to prove to you that they are ready for the next responsibility, you have to prove you care, and just providing the basics isn’t good enough.

I love getting to know my daughter as she gets older. Oddly its the most fun I’ve had as a parent. Seeing her mature, and figure things out. So far we have a pretty good relationship. One where her friends are surprised about what she discusses with us. She’s a strong and sweet young girl and I see the neat kind of mixture of her Father and I in her daily. I tease her about being just like her Dad, but really I see us both in her, and I can generally follow her train of thought in most situations she brings to us.

We try to often talk to her about her feelings and what kind of thoughts she is having about any given situations. Its the only reliable way to get insight in how to help them. Kids won’t talk to you if they think they can’t trust you. Its like they are regular people or something! Respect your kids. You may be in charge, and there are times when you do have to draw the line, but don’t make every encounter with them be about dominating their actions or outcome. There are some lessons that only experience and life can teach.

I just feel happy and full of appreciation. Do you know of which I speak? Those Absolutely small God inspired moments of enlightenment, when you can understand that things aren’t always as they seem, and that it can be a good thing. When we can push past our own generalizations and remember that we are all here together, whither we agree on the small details or not, is really of little consequence, and that in truth showing Love is at the center of what we as humans were meant for. Its a joy of the soul that I haven’t experienced in a while. I won’t lie, its been a difficult year on a few levels. I’ve found myself often this past year just wondering how I was going to continue…. but today… today, I have this soul joy, this inner peace that seems to be whispering to me… “shh child, it really will be ok.”

My realization of the day: If you can put all your focus on loving ways, healing will come when and where its needed. I may not always recognize it, and in fact, like many, I may even at times curse its coming because its shrouded in my limited perception of how “things should be” At first glance, it appears to be an abomination that threatens the very ground I stand on.

However maybe, just maybe… this is the whole point. Maybe it comes to us in this veil in order to shake us back to reality and put priorities where they belong, because quiet pleas for change have fallen on our deaf ears. We get too comfortable in our place, and forget that life should always be considered a constant progression.

We stamp our feet in defiance, even going as far as to call on the words of a higher power sometimes twisting its context in order to prove that we are in the right. To fight back any change, to lay claim to a sense of superiority over those who disagree.

Have you ever heard the saying “The Devil’s in the details”… I kind of believe this to be true. It’s small “details” that we consistently use to separate ourselves out, to label “our kind” of people as opposed to “their kind” of people. Details just serve to distract us from the greater truth, that we are all here together, all part of a bigger picture, our destinies intertwined despite our differences. Reality knows that it takes people from all walks of life and all backgrounds in order to make this world we live in a better place overall.

Truth – there is no earthly perfection. We all have jagged edges, worn and chipped away by time and hurtful experiences. We all live with our own variant belief system that rarely matches dot for dot the labels we have chosen to apply to ourselves. We all have notions that are bred out of misunderstanding and ignorance whither we come to accept that thought or not.

We spend so much time searching… analyzing the shape of our being, and formulating what “special” group we actually match up with… that we somehow forget we are part of the biggest most influential group there is… humanity.

It seems that only when we give more of our power to loving ways – that needed ties are often placed in positions that will make them stronger, while weaker ones will be released to fall away in a more healthful manner.

Genuine or not at all..that is what I desire most. I don’t like the drama and the hype that is attached to seemingly every single story. Just the facts Madame.. Just the facts.. that is all I want. I don’t want water cooler gossip, or even to hear what your personal take is on the story. The first thing I want to hear is the facts of the story.. not your perception of them. I would like to be given the courtesy of being allowed to think for myself. I would like to be presented facts on both sides of the story.

I am an adult.. I’d like to be treated like one by the media.

If you garner any personal pleasure at another groups misfortune and relay it in your presentation.. you are tainted and should be fired.

“Just as the human body needs to inhale and exhale, we need times of work and times of rest, times to act and times to reflect. There is no shame in that.” – Jenni of Under the Apricot Tree

“That person is struggling.. so they must not be working hard enough… their just lazy”…. “If they’d just get off their duff and get a job…” (Lets just ignore the fact that the unemployment rate is where its at… that small detail is not important enough to consider right? Its more important that their presence is annoying eh?)

Its statements like these that make me realize just how out of whack our perceptions can get, and how oblivious we are to our own perceptions. How quickly we can justify our actions and judge everything about another who we don’t even know.

I am very likely one of the biggest proponent you can find when it comes to the thought of self responsibility. I totally wholeheartedly buy in to the ideology that in truth, I honestly believe that 90% of what comes at us is actually influenced by things that we put into motion through our own attitude or behavior.. our choices and avoidance of making healthy decisions. However I am realistic enough to know that the other 10% is totally up to dumb luck. Being in the right place at the right time.

I think people shrink away horribly from responsibility, and taking ownership of their own lives and situations. That said there is a greater responsibility that is shrugged off even quicker, and that would be the responsibility of being a decent human being. The idea of having enough character and self-awareness to realize when certain practices are rooted more in selfishness than in whatever excuse or self proclaimed “reason” we are using to justify a process that benefits some and uses others. To recognize that what we do actually has an impact on those around us, and to adhere to the knowledge that we are not alone, and that we should care about our fellow man more than we seem to.

Labeling someone is not as good at correctly defining who someone is… but we don’t care. We lump people into an idea and point fingers making judgements about someone’s character or intentions without knowing or caring to know the truth. Its far easier to pump ourselves up justifying why we are better than someone else, and why we deserve more right?

Give me a break, can people seriously believe that? Do they even hear what is coming out of their mouths? Do they even understand that they are making these assumptions? Do they really believe what they are saying or are they just jumping on the justification bandwagon because it makes them look better in their opinion. Can we get over the games and get real?

In simple truth when looking at what life experience I’ve had, it seems that amongst the people I”ve met, the ones that I know that proved to be the hardest working, were rarely the wealthiest. Some where comfortable but honestly most were not. They struggled and had up times and down times, as such is life, but regardless they worked their behinds off and were hardly compensated appropriately. Sometimes they made good decisions and sometimes they made unfortunate ones… but then don’t we all?

It is frustrating how black an white and ridiculous we as a people can be while riding atop a high horse, smirk firmly in planted on our face when we utter catty statements.

… when will we be honest with ourselves and get real?

I woke up after the show, ate something, looked at my computer a few minutes, and headed to bed extremely early. I just couldn’t really function much beyond that. Perhaps its time that I let go and agree to let the exhaustion work itself out. Maybe then I’d feel a little better about a lot of things.. I’m not sure why I work myself into such a state of pushing so long before agreeing to rest. Its really dumb on my part. I need the rest, and I need to just accept it. The scope of any issue is in the eye of the beholder, and tired eyes have a way of blurring things to where they appear a bit bigger than they really are.

I just don’t understand where I am. I seem to have taken a wrong turn somewhere and I just feel really lost. There is no reason for me to feel as down as I’ve felt this last year. I have really really been unhappy and just felt uninspired and low. Work has had its ups and downs, but overall isn’t bad, other than I want to do more and learn something… anything.. new, but that maybe that comes with a little more time and patience on my part.

Home has been alright, a little frustrating trying to figure out something for Hubby to do. I never really understood how much I really need my own time to center and clear my own thoughts until I got to the point where I get no alone time to do that. None… for the last two years.

There is always someone around needing something or plain wanting attention or to be entertained. (And yes I realize how selfish that sounds) I get so very frustrated being responsible for entertaining others who don’t have any idea what makes them happy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not unhappy with the Hubby, I love him very much, and he’s surprising and amazing on so many levels that no one else really knows, but when you marry someone so very different than you, it can be a little challenging (though workable and worth it). I’m happy with my husband and our family, so that isn’t where the issue is.

When you get to that point, and there is no real pin point of a reason, it takes some real soul searching to figure out what is the actual root of the issue. The only reason I can think of has to be me and poor coping strategies, bad management. It shouldn’t be so hard to feel ok where I am.

I just get to the point where I just feel like a shell, and that no one cares what I have to contribute anyway. My purpose seems to be to keep others afloat.
I am a facilitator by nature. I have all these ideas, and flush them through, picking out what details would need to be addressed and marking out solutions to do so. I put so much energy into finding the process and the working out the means. I will even push through what steps I feel need to be done in order to get something moving, to get things going in the desired direction. I do this so often and so often the energy is wasted. Either I’m bad at explaining, or others are too bored to listen, or just plain really don’t care.. Not as much as I do anyway. I suppose it would be so much easier if I could care a bit less… If I could be ok to just be, and not feel responsible to contribute something, or make things better.. to be content to rest on withered laurels….

But then what kind of existence is that? To live the life as a pure consumer, someone who takes, more than they give. I fear that its a common existence in this day and age. But its not something I can be ok with in the root of my center.

I’m saddened to feel like I’m no where near achieving what I’m here to do. Like my life isn’t having an impact, and thinking that way has a way of dulling the soul’s fire, and while I totally know better, I fall in these ruts occasionally. I admit it, the optimist is not always optimistic.

I just want something to be excited about. Some glimmer of hope that it matters and that I’m more than just another automaton going through the motions.

I want to thrive and be giddy.. I want to laugh heartily. I want an endeavor that when I put my energy and thought into it, that it comes out being viable, not a waste of time or an unappreciated gift. I want something I’m associated with to be a masterpiece. Something that causes joy and inspires and encourages the soul.

Its just hard though. Life has me under its thumb at the moment. I just need to wiggle my way out and reunite with my own hope and faith.

So I’m thinking I’m going to take my small little corner back. I’ve removed the link to facebook, so it shouldn’t auto throw my notes up there anymore. If people care to check in, they will check in on their own. Otherwise that fine. I’ve never thought that what I wrote was particularly entertaining, it was just thoughts and views.

A place where I don’t have to walk on eggshells and curb everything I say for fear that I’ll offend someone on my friends list inadvertently.