The title probably leads you to think that this is a post on figuring out what your talents are.   If so, sorry to disappoint, I don’t have a full answer to that one as I’ve hardly figured it out myself.

My topic today is more about our legacy.  Maybe touching a little  on what we want to be remembered for, and more importantly what we want to contribute and promote during our time here.

One thing I had been taught at some point, is that if you want to achieve a goal, its really important to identify it.  How are you supposed to achieve it if you don’t? How would you know where to begin?  I realize that there are those who seem to accidentally fall in line to achieving great things, but I don’t believe that to be the norm.  Most have to put at least a little effort into it. Identifying what we want to accomplish is just the beginning, but when we do so, we actually have a lot of power in having it come to pass.

On a small tangent… I use the word “power” instead of “control” because I think it better describes what we have.  “Power insinuates that we can have influence , while “Control” insinuates that you alone can push, or force things to occur a certain way.   Attribute it to my (quite possibly flawed) perceptions, but I really  think that the perception, or the desire for total “control” is unhealthy and unrealistic.   I think you have to respect that there are things way outside your realm,  that you cannot force to happen.

When it rains on the ocean, there are a whole lot of ripples being made all at once. Each droplet causes many different wakes, yet no single droplet can accurately predict the extent of what shifts and wakes it will cause. There are far too many outside forces it has no control over. All it can do, is do its best to do more good than harm.  Be fluid and allow yourself to be  able to deal with whatever comes ahead. The same can be said for us.   We should also always be open to the idea that maybe our visions may not inspire the best possible option. That may secretly be the reason why the world is seemingly resisting.   ;P  Not because this life is out to get us… but more because as intelligent as we are, there are still things we might not completely understand.  There is wisdom in conceding that there is much left to learn, and that our personal understanding will never be complete.  Also, In general, know that  in relations with others, “control” is rarely healthy, and often inhibits growth and maturity.  (sorry that was a bigger tangent than anticipated.. I don’t care for the word “control” )

Back to the subject.

I have been thinking alot about this lately, and I’m unsure why really, but I know that in my own life,  the impact I want to leave on this world has to do with healing.  It is something I’ve felt drawn to in many facets, but not in the conventional sense.  A weak constitution limits any aspiration to be a physician/nurse or anything of that physical nature, and while interesting, it isn’t the physical aspect of health that I feel the most drawn to.  What I really wish, is that I could do something that inspires more mental/emotional/spiritual health.  Not spiritual in the “Whoo whoo”  shaman, witchdoctor, or crazy extreme religious sense, but more in the way of helping people have healthier coping strategies, and in turn, healthier attitudes.

Still working on what I would need to be doing, to make that be what I leave to this world.  I think in the mean time, my best bet is to inspire those attitudes in my children.  Regardless of whether or not I ever become successful in helping the world on a grander scale, my children are, and will always be my most treasured legacy.

Ended up having a pretty Halloween. Wish Halloween was always on a weekend because you get to enjoy it a bit more!  Spent the morning at the store picking up some groceries, and a couple last minute items for the day (via The Dollar Tree – Love that place.. lol)

I hadn’t gotten a chance to go to the video store like I had hoped a few days before, but was able to find the complete Disney version of “Legend of Sleepy Hallow” on Youtube.com. Yay! for youtube!

In past years our pumpkins were always pretty sad when it came to Halloween..  Oregon rain seemed to always do them in, so we elected to wait to carve them until Halloween since we had the whole day as a family. We had a great time carving them! Haiden helped separate out the seeds, and we roasted them. They actually turned out really good!

My sister came out with Alysondra, and we loved that! Always love spending time with them!

Poppa & Tutu came over around 4, so Deon did the kid’s make-up and the kids donned their costumes.

Haiden was a “Zombie Warrior”, Kylan was an “Alien”, and Shelsea was a”Renaissance maiden”, Alysondra was a “Unicorn Pegasys”

After Poppa & Tutu left, and my sister picked up her brother-in-law from work, then we got ready to take the kids trick-or-treating.  We dressed up a bit too for fun

Here’s our pumpkins end results! We got lots of compliments!

“… as we forgive those who trespass against us”.

This part of the Lord’s prayer crossed my mind a few times this week in conversations with a few people that were filled with such hurt feelings over past events. Past grudges that so commonly perpetuate into present dealings and choices.

Family relationships are harder than normal I think.  These in theory should be the easiest of all the ones you have in this life, yet they really aren’t.  The closer the relationship should be – seems to be in direct proportion to how sensitive we choose to be whenever a  loved one’s fault becomes apparent, or when they show what we view as a misjudgment or hurt our ego’s with their choices.

Many times what happens, instead of forgiving and moving on, we take things personally and inadvertently choose to hold grudges. These grudges become ingrained in our perceptions, and our perceptions have the power to mold our present and future actions.  Without realizing we very often choose courses of actions based upon perceptions that are in honesty, grounded less in personal character or virtue, but more realistically shaped by the shadows of these  hidden grudges that we hold.

Above this, with family relations, we commonly choose to justify our actions as those founded in the idea of  protection.    “Protection” is often a cloudy area in our reasoning. I’ll explain what I mean by that.

While we generally innately want to protect our loved ones, and while there are times when it does become necessary,  it can also often lead us to over step some boundaries. The justification of “Protection” can at times be used when we ourselves really just don’t want to trust or relinquish control to someone else.  By telling ourselves our reason for our actions is protection, we often side-skirt the thinking that other underlying and unresolved issues took any  part in our decision making process.

We ask God to forgive us, but what if we aren’t willing to forgive “those who trespass against us”? Do we doom ourselves?  Interesting thought, There are those that say yes.  Personally, I don’t believe so,  I think we are extremely lucky in that  God who made us understands us so intimately and knows all our faults… yet loves us anyway. If we are supposed to strive for “godly” actions ,  and Jesus is known for his forgiveness and unconditional love, then what sense would it make to believe in a God that has been given faulty human attributes like vengeance and segregation? Also, wouldn’t it be like having too many chefs in the kitchen, if we all decided it was our right to judge?  We aren’t here to judge, but we all do it, and often!

Forgiveness… Is it fair?

No, its actually not, and since we are only human, that is why its so important. In truth forgiveness is not about judgment or  fairness, and shouldn’t  even tied to reconciliation (a common misconception).   If you are waiting for the other party to change or apologize, then you have set the stage for a sort of “conditional forgiveness”, which isn’t forgiveness at all.  Real forgiveness is actually a one-sided, personal choice that doesn’t depend on any agreement. It should be a humbling experience that frees your soul from past issues.  Be weary if it makes you feel righteous and somehow better than someone else, because those are sure signs that you aren’t actually exhibiting pure forgiveness.  Taking a a few passages from my favorite book (The Shack)  that sums up the idea nicely…

“When he finally quieted down Papa said, “Mack, for you to forgive this man is for you to release him to me, and allow me to redeem him.”

“Forgiveness is not about forgetting, Mack. It is about letting go of another’s throat.”

“Forgiveness is first for you, the forgiver, to release you from something that will eat you alive; that will destroy your joy and your ability to love fully and openly”

If forgiveness was fair, then none of us would ever be forgiven. We’d all be trapped and never allowed to move on or grow, and most importantly… to heal.  Regardless of wither or not you believe in a God, I believe this basic principle of forgiveness is still sound. We all need to move on. The truth is that even if the offender genuinely wanted to rectify something, they will never have the ability to go back in time and undo what has already been done.

I’ve come to the conclusion that true forgiveness is not common, and not possible without some definite inward introspection. Look into yourself, analyze the possibility that you are affected by something more than you would like to admit.  Then, make the decision to release the tie that binds you to it,  be willing to offer a true forgiveness unassuming of any other’s  actions, and put the issue to rest, never to be brought up again. Find your peace, so that you are the one in control of your actions, not a seated shadow of some past event.

Be ok with the fact that you aren’t perfect, and that neither is anyone else.  Know that there is always possibility for you to change if you are open to the idea, and honest with yourself. Remember that the same is true for those around you, they can change when they choose.  Growth happens when inspired, and nothing is more inspiring than being around someone who is willing to issue changes in themselves first.  Remember that a little respect goes a long way, even if someone isn’t respectful back, doesn’t mean you haven’t had an impact. Quiet inspiration still inspires.  Analyze your own actions .. don’t justify your actions,  but really dig deep and analyze. Identify the real reason you do what you do.. Avoid the urge to bring up the past, make decisions in the present.

Seize the Day!

10/19/09  Edit: Was told today that the “Boy in the Balloon” story was a hoax that the parents thought up to better put themselves in a position to have a reality TV show. Seriously something wrong with people. Sad when society encourages so much attention to negative, that people actually contemplate using negative actions to garner attention, and the media is more than happy to oblige!

10/16/09 –Original Post –

Its interesting to me, how far we’ve come in “Reporting the News”, and unfortunately not in a good way either.  I don’t watch it at home because we don’t have cable or satellite but every once in awhile when I am looking at a “News” reports on the internet, I will come across interviews or reports on show like “Today”.  Even with my minimal exposure, I find myself commonly repulsed by the actions and demeanor even of the talking heads that populate the “TV News” Industry.

The most recent interview that I watched online, was about the “Boy and the Balloon”.  Yesterday, a 6 year old boy who everyone feared may have climbed in a huge helium balloon and floated away when the tether was released from his back yard.  Military, and many resources were pulled in when the boy couldn’t be found. As it turned out, the boy had been hiding in the attic as he had gotten in trouble earlier.

I went to msnbc.com to check it out as so many people at work had been talking about it, and I found this article.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/33340547/ns/us_news-life/page/2/

(its not there now, been replaced with another video, this time about the balloon, but earlier there was a video interview with the family on the “Today” Show’.

The family all looked tired and beat. The kids were half asleep because “Today” is a morning show I believe, and on the east coast, while the family is in Colorado.  At one point the 6 year old, who previously looked as though he were sleeping, sat  forward and threw up. Instead of pausing the interview,  Meredith Vieira didn’t miss a beat and continued on to ask the next question,  about wither or not it was all a hoax. The family obviously frazzled, as Mom gives the child a container to throw up in. The cameraperson not only films it, but they even pan down to see the container at one point! The Dad tries a couple times, but then finally is able to get out his answer to what Meredith just asked, all the while, you can still hear the child throwing up more in the background.

Then after Meredith askes her “harder hitting” questions, and after the boy has stopped throwing up on national TV.. only then does she offer to give them some time…

Insane..  I really have very little respect for our  “News commentators”.

The majority just seem so plastic and fake. Its obvious that its all about making the story as dramatic and big as possible.  I had actually seen this same Meredith woman in an interview a few years back questioning a woman on how she could possibly be attracted to her husband, who was slightly different looking, but not gruesome or anything…. with him sitting right next to his wife!  Tell me that wasn’t all for a reaction.  It was so disrespectful I thought, because she didn’t even phrase it nicely. It was seriously “How could you possibly be attracted to him” with a repulsed look on Meredith’s face as she said it.

I think this brand of  TV “News” (using the term loosely) that we now have is just about completely worthless. Its especially sad when you consider how many people out there are gullible enough to just agree with what the talking heads say..  or how many who just enjoy getting caught up in stupid drama, childishly whining about small points, instead of working on actually resolving anything. Its all about the drama!

No wonder we are in the mess we are in! We are inundated with idiocy all in the name of “24 hour coverage”.  Its not news anymore, its their sick form of “entertainment”.

Ridiculous!

End of story first…    We found actual buyer for the Pathfinder, and sold it .. for real this time! .. ( I’ll explain this more later in the post). I’m so glad! It was a good vehicle, but we weren’t using it.  Plus it gives us a something to catch up on a few things with, and it’ll be roughly $70.00 less a month in insurance costs. Yay! might give us a little more breathing room than we’ve had lately.

Now to explain the “for real this time” statement. It has been an interesting week. Long story short, We had put the Pathfinder up on craigslist, and had a girl call us to buy it from us. She came out,  paid us for part of it, and gave us a check to cash the next day for the rest. She signed the back of the the registration and filled out part of the title, and my husband ended up driving her home because she didn’t actually know how to drive a stick, but was going to learn. (should maybe have been a red flag there I suppose)

An hour later I get a call. She wants her money back, and wants to give us the vehicle back, as she is now in huge trouble with her parents.  Shortly after that conversation, I got a call from her Mom. As it turns out, she was #1 underage (bad on my part, I should have required her to show me some ID, although she said she was in college, and looked around 22-23 to me.. ><) #2 She had taken the money from her Mother without asking for it. It was money they were setting aside for a car, with the sidestepped premise that a parental unit needed to be involved in vehicle selection. In speaking with the Mother, she said if we could take it back, she would be agreeable to us keeping $100 to cover whatever costs would be involved in getting the title replaced, and that she hoped it didn’t cost us anything, and that we just got $100 out of the deal for our trouble. Plus she thought it would be a good reminder to her daughter, to be out something, for not abiding to the agreement. (The Mother was pretty cool about it.. It could have been so much worse!)

So.. we  ended up “buying” it back from her two hours later, we gave her the check, and all but $100 of what she had given us, and alas.. the Pathfinder.. found its path back home to our driveway.

Ended up having to call DMV a couple times to figure out what we needed to do since she had already filled out 1/2 of the information on the back of the title. The first DMV employee told us we’d  have to get signed Bills of Sale showing us selling to her, and one her selling it back to us, and that we’d still have to pay $77.00 to get a new copy of the title because we can’t just cross her name off of it. The Second DMV associate  said that we just needed to have the two Bills of Sale’s (that the first person said), but that would be all we needed.  So like many things, I think its going to be just the luck of the draw as to if we have to pay anything to get it fixed the way DMV needs it to be, it will just depend on who we talk to down there, and what their perception is on the subject.  Should be interesting.. we’ll see how it goes.

Last night, we had two other  people check it out, and the last one really liked it and offered to buy it on the spot. We told him about the “adventure” we had just had, and explained it all, which he was fine with. We gave him his own copies of the initial two “Bills of Sale” as well as the third “Bill of Sale” to him, to hopefully make his paperwork issues easier in case it comes up when he is trying to get it put in his name.

Its disheartening how much pain we cause ourselves and others by being prideful and sticking so close to our guns. Guns and grudges that should have disappeared a long time ago, but we cling to them allowing them to define our actions, and sadly, we let them define us in the process, limiting our potential, and robbing from us many simple joys. We push others away when we can’t find it in ourselves to rise above our own fear, misunderstanding, and anger.  Control is not the answer, its the prison. Its only when we give up the desire to control, that we find peace and freedom.

You don’t have to agree with those around you, but regardless of what you think, it is not your place to decide whats best for others. Nor is it realistic to believe you can force a way of thinking upon someone.  There are times where relationships require limits. It is better to set bounds, but be respectful to those boundarys. Take caution to do so in a honest manner, and avoid letting situations become little knives to twist and jab at each other.  No matter what you think, be respectful of the individual, and remember it really isn’t your opinion that matters in the long run.

Be willing to access your actions, all the justifications in the world won’t alleviate the pain we cause others, even unintentional.   Be certain that what you do in the name of other’s well-being is totally honest. Be willing to let others make, what you veiw as mistakes. Life is the best teacher.

Spend more effort inspiring and encouraging others  to be the best they can be, than trying to find ways of pulling the reaction out of them that you want.

The idea of control is a trap. In truth, you have no idea. You can only guess at what you think is good, and many a time things are done passive-aggressively under the guise of doing whats best for someone else. At some point in time, you have to allow others to make their own “mistakes”.  Be willing to accept that sometimes mistakes are neccesarry to grow.

I’ve woken up the last 4 days just feeling pretty crummy. Tired and a tiny bit sick to my stomach, the latter of which subsides as the day goes on.  Not sure what the deal is, even went to bed early last night, but the energy just isn’t there, and balance has taken a lot more effort.

Guess its time to load up on the vitamins again to see if I can pull myself out of this slump.  Most times I can pretty effectively just push on, but every once in a while it gets extra tough.   Just really tired lately… ack!

We find out either today or Wednesday if we sell our Pathfinder. We aren’t needing a 2nd car at the moment, and would really like to not be paying the extra insurance for it to sit there. Its been good to us,  but I still hope it sells. Help us get a few things caught back up.

Deon’s neck and shoulders are still giving him problems.  Luckily his pain has gone down since his original injury, but when he does too much, it becomes painful and still swells up pretty quickly He has a pretty hard time getting comfortable.  On the bright side, he hasn’t smoked in two months, He had used Chantix (sp?) under his doctor’s advice. Its funny because the warnings had said that it could make him more depressed and frustrated, when actually it seems the lack of nicotine has actually alleviated some of his frustration. He had hasn’t even been tempted in well over a month.  He’s doing awesome, and its really nice to be married to a non-smoker!

We are very proud of Shelsea, we got her report card, and she is doing extremely well. She received a B in Math, and A’s in all her other classes! She seems to be blossoming very well in middle school. Her whole attitude has changed. She’s excited to get good grades, and enjoying her studies. I’m very glad!

Haiden’s new speech teacher seems to have quickly identified where the remainder of problems  with some of his sounds fall.  Mostly in how he holds his mouth. I’ve noticed a real improvement in pronunciation and effort.  She thinks that it won’t be long until he’ll have it down and not need to go anymore. He’s a pretty amazing little guy.. He’s dealt with a lot in his 9 years. He is  so smart and quick.. I have to remind myself to not get frustrated with him at times, because often he recognizes the correct answer before I do, and in his willingness to help, is explaining it all, which can be frustrating when you are the parent who is supposed to have the answers.. lol

Kylan is getting so big! He is growing so fast, and getting so tall.  He and Haiden are near the same size anymore, I have to look twice sometimes.. lol.  Kylan is really pretty thoughtful in his own right.  He made me smile the other day when we were sitting outside of his school waiting for his brother to come out. He looks at me and says “Mom, we are such a lucky family.”  I asked him why he thought so, and he said, “because we don’t need stuff to be happy, and we have each other and we have nice people in our family.”

Awww..

The subject of many songs, a small part of many movie plots, an intricate  aspect of many books, especially of the self-help nature. A  battle of varying degrees,  that I believe everyone eventually finds themselves in at some point in time… What is it you wonder?

Not what, but who… The question we pose to ourselves…  Who am I?  I mean really? Who am I really? What is my value… my purpose? Where do I fit in? Where do I stand out? What makes me… me?

People have an interesting need to define themselves. Commonly their search for definitions push them one of two ways. You either see people either striving to be “part of the group” or else striving to  “be apart from the herd”.  Either way, it stems from a similar personal wish to identify ones self. There is a problem that creeps up with this, and it is why some people really do get lost “Looking for themselves”

While we tend to want to neatly define who it is we actually are, that is not how we were made.  By nature, we are dynamic and fluid. Our actual being is consistently changing, expanding and contracting with each experience, with each new second, with each new thought, and each new lesson learned.  Who I am this second, is not who I was yesterday, nor is it who I will be tomorrow, and really I thank God that is true!

If I had been created static being, while there  may be a small amount of pleasure in finally being able to  have a set definition to totally and completely describe myself, and outline my purpose and my reasoning,   I fear that  my life would be incredibly limited to my outline. I would be more like a program executing commands, than a human living a life.

We tend to want the all the answers, neatly outlined.. and usually, we want them right NOW! But really, where is enjoyment in that? While answers are nice to have, there are many side lessons learned in the pursuit of any given answer.  The ability to change, and to move beyond our past perceptions is vital. We shouldn’t be so eager to give it up. Despite the attraction of having “neater” packaging.

Try as you may, you will never really have a set definition to answer “Who you are”. It is a project you can never totally accomplish, because as soon as you think you know, something will happen that alters part of what you had previously thought of as truth.

Besides, its not about us anyway.  When we labor so hard to “find ourselves”, and focus on defining who we are, we are missing a huge point.

In the grande scheme of things, we won’t be remembered by how we define ourselves, that will be lost when we are.  Any memory of us after we are gone is going to be more related to what events we caused, who we inspired,  and how we helped others.

We are who we are right this second,  so focus instead on making the most out of the present.

http://sendables.jibjab.com/view/mAcU8aKvdtuh0F6R

Overall,  I think the part of MS that I struggle with the most has less to do with symptoms, and more to do with fear.  So far even on my worst days when I really feel like I have no balance and I wonder if my leg is going to give out in the next step,  and can’t feel my feet,  I seem to have been able to push on through and force my numb and slower than normal, achy feet & legs to move.  It takes extra effort, but so far I’ve been able to manage. Doing a decent job at it too.. least I think. On a whole, I don’t think it even occurs to others just how much effort it takes me some times, and for that I am thankful.. and lucky.  I actually don’t want them to know.

There are times I get very frustrated to be so betrayed by my own body..  Inside my spirit is a dancer,  a runner, a hiker, a bike rider, an explorer, an active soul, but physically I’ve never been able to be as active as I feel.  I’ve been limited, but then I’ve felt that way even before the MS.  Hopefully without sounding too crazy, I can express that for me there has always been a definite and self-understood line separating me “spiritually” and me “physically”, to the point where I feel somewhat detached.

Perception is power, and understanding that is key…. I know this, and yet when it comes to the MS,  I still at times  find myself faltering, feeling unsure and afraid.  I’m scared there will be a time when I can no longer force a response from my affected limbs.. whichever they happen to be that day.  I actually cringe when I think of how much pain and frustration that others with this disease (who are far worse than me)  go through on a daily basis.   Knowing that more often than not, the fear I feel seems to intensify  symptom severity, so you’d think I’d have that part figured out and under control, but it still creeps up.

I suppose though, that instead of imagining how bad it could be, I should just realize that none of that matters. I should remember that no matter what ends up happening, I will be in one way or another doing the same thing I am right now.. just pushing through and coping.

I guess its important to remember that even in the best of scenario’s there is no true control. We are just humoring ourselves in thinking that we ever have control.  Really our individual power is not based out of control at all, but rather out of the reactions we choose,  positive or negative.

In general I’d rather be positive.. it hurts to much to be negative..